The need to cry

I realized something tonight about myself. In some strange way it can be comforting to learn things about yourself. Even more so I think when those things you learn help explain your own perceived weaknesses.

I cry easily. Those who know me know if I am passionate, lonely, happy and/or angry Ill cry. I cry when Im scared and I cry when I am uncertain of myself. Dennis told me not to long ago he believed in some ways I cry because I just care to much about people. There may be some truth to that too, but tonight I learned a big part of why there is a need inside of me to just let the tears flow.

I got hit hard with the mean metal box thats down the street today. No, not the upside the head, or along the side of my car kind of thump. The kind of hitting that makes you stop and just well... cry. The mean metal box I am referring to is the mail box. How can such a big piece of metal bring such joy or frustration? Today it brought frustration when I looked over all my bills. It was as if every bill I could possibly get hit all at the same time. Insurances, credit cards, etc. etc. etc. I try to budget a month forward each time its a pay period. This helps me know what I am looking at for the month ahead instead of well just what needs to be paid today. I feel pretty good about that practice. It has been a type of 'budgeting' for me and it helps me plan accordingly. Today I was weak and it all hit me hard. Poor Dennis didn't know what he was in for when he called. It was like the flood gates opened and I just couldn't stop crying. I know he felt helpless in a sense being a state away, but its really nice to know he can help hold my head above water when I start to feel scared. As I was talking to him I started to apologize for being so weak and explained what it felt like and all of a sudden it was a strange sensation as I started to hear myself explain why I need to cry.

I told him this "its like I keep trying to figure out a problem on my own, over and over again. I know I am a smart enough woman to figure out things, so I am sure I can in most instances. I can do this I tell myself. Keep thinking, don't give up, I can figure out the solution." Me me me....I can do it. Funny thing is, anytime we try to do things apart from the Lord we fail miserably. I think thats why I cry. Its when I finally allow myself to feel helpless, I release it. I realize "I" cannot do all things....only "HE" can. What a realization. I can cry, I should cry, and when I do....I allow Christ to carry me again.