If you can't say something nice,...........
Most of us have heard this saying, it goes like this.. "If you can't say something nice, then just don't say anything at all." This has been one of the hardest but well learned lessons from going through a divorce for me.
There seems to be a small bit of truth in another saying as well. "History is an endless repetition from the wrong way of living."
Early every year I can expect a letter from my ex husband on how he wants to be the 'ideal' father, have more time with the kids, make their schedule his priority and be the 'fantastic father he imagines' as if there was such a possibility after walking away from your wife and kids after 14 years. Every year his budget gets tight and funds dry up and things get rougher for him. Every year when this occurs, I get the brunt of his frustration. Patterns, are well set, and well learned.
Early this year I got such a letter. One that stated his intent to put business second and that he was going to work around the kids schedule for now on, and business would take 2nd place. While I knew better I allowed the letter to still frustrate me. Recently the kids came home and informed me that he was selling his house (2nd house since the divorce....4 years ago), selling the trailer, and the mini cooper. Granted the man has had 6 new and different cars in the past year as well.....but lets let that go unsaid, (oops :) ).
After that discussion with the kids I started getting an uneasy feeling. The feeling that I knew what was going to happen next. I hate those kind of feelings. In this instance, I really hate being right.
I learned a few years ago to put aside his frustration and accept that that is what He was going through and to not allow his words to take hold of my heart. If I was thinking and working only on what was best for the children, and running it by friends who hold me accountable for the kids sake first and foremost, then I knew I was doing fine. In one moment of kindness I even just wrote him back simply saying, sounds like you miss the kids, I understand that. Wow, I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to write that letter. Today I received another one of those expected letters.
I've learned the lesson if I can't say something nice to not saying anything, he hasn't. It still hurts to be treated the way he treats me. As if any thing I do with and for the kids is in direct defiance of him. I don't think of him that way, honestly, I hardly think of him any more at all. I suppose the fact that while we agreed to a 30 - 70 split...me having the 70, the fact is I have the kids more like 85 percent of the time. He isn't around much, I kind of like it that way. Are the kids missing having a father? Yes they are, but he isn't really the kind of example I want for them. Those are hard words believe it or not to even type. The father of my children, would not be my first pick in any instance to be with my children. My children you ask? Ok, Ill give a little there.....Gods children.
So I am faced with another letter that I know the only way to handle is to not really respond at all. To let it slide off my back, when that is really the last thing on my mind I want to do. But since I can't say anything nice, I wont say anything at all.
I sometimes sit and wonder...."How is it a couple could have 4 children and find themselves so far from being able to discuss how to raise those same children almost 16 years later?" It saddens me. I want my children to have the best life possible. Conflict free, love filled and possibilities unlimited. My dream. Too high of a goal?
Do you ever feel like doing the right thing is the thing that is the most difficult to do.....?
There seems to be a small bit of truth in another saying as well. "History is an endless repetition from the wrong way of living."
Early every year I can expect a letter from my ex husband on how he wants to be the 'ideal' father, have more time with the kids, make their schedule his priority and be the 'fantastic father he imagines' as if there was such a possibility after walking away from your wife and kids after 14 years. Every year his budget gets tight and funds dry up and things get rougher for him. Every year when this occurs, I get the brunt of his frustration. Patterns, are well set, and well learned.
Early this year I got such a letter. One that stated his intent to put business second and that he was going to work around the kids schedule for now on, and business would take 2nd place. While I knew better I allowed the letter to still frustrate me. Recently the kids came home and informed me that he was selling his house (2nd house since the divorce....4 years ago), selling the trailer, and the mini cooper. Granted the man has had 6 new and different cars in the past year as well.....but lets let that go unsaid, (oops :) ).
After that discussion with the kids I started getting an uneasy feeling. The feeling that I knew what was going to happen next. I hate those kind of feelings. In this instance, I really hate being right.
I learned a few years ago to put aside his frustration and accept that that is what He was going through and to not allow his words to take hold of my heart. If I was thinking and working only on what was best for the children, and running it by friends who hold me accountable for the kids sake first and foremost, then I knew I was doing fine. In one moment of kindness I even just wrote him back simply saying, sounds like you miss the kids, I understand that. Wow, I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to write that letter. Today I received another one of those expected letters.
I've learned the lesson if I can't say something nice to not saying anything, he hasn't. It still hurts to be treated the way he treats me. As if any thing I do with and for the kids is in direct defiance of him. I don't think of him that way, honestly, I hardly think of him any more at all. I suppose the fact that while we agreed to a 30 - 70 split...me having the 70, the fact is I have the kids more like 85 percent of the time. He isn't around much, I kind of like it that way. Are the kids missing having a father? Yes they are, but he isn't really the kind of example I want for them. Those are hard words believe it or not to even type. The father of my children, would not be my first pick in any instance to be with my children. My children you ask? Ok, Ill give a little there.....Gods children.
So I am faced with another letter that I know the only way to handle is to not really respond at all. To let it slide off my back, when that is really the last thing on my mind I want to do. But since I can't say anything nice, I wont say anything at all.
I sometimes sit and wonder...."How is it a couple could have 4 children and find themselves so far from being able to discuss how to raise those same children almost 16 years later?" It saddens me. I want my children to have the best life possible. Conflict free, love filled and possibilities unlimited. My dream. Too high of a goal?
Do you ever feel like doing the right thing is the thing that is the most difficult to do.....?
Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Luke 6:29
posted by Peach at 8:30 PM
1 Comments:
Oh, dear! I suppose I should hold my tongue, huh?
We just saw my ex for the first time in 5 YEARS. So, I am all reved up about ex's. May God deal with them justly....amen? Amen!
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