Why is my faith so important?
This question was posed to me a few months ago. I was kind of disappointed I never really had the opportunity to share the answer to it. It has sat on my mind for some time and so I thought it I would answer it now.
Not so easy though...sometimes you just know things but they are hard to put into words. Articulating just the right words can be difficult at times. But sometimes if you just start it gets easy, that's the hope here. So I'll attempt to write it out....but I may revise it in the days ahead.
I suppose the best way is to go back to the beginning. I was 5. I was 5 years old when I first was invited to start attending church from a neighborhood friend. She and her family were very active at church and invited me to start attending Sunday school. I learned the usual stories one learns from Sunday school, but unfortunately the most important aspects of my faith were not taught to me at this church. In fact, my experiences in going to "church" from early childhood on were pretty horrible to say the least. The influences I gained were more on the bad side then good. Around the age of 12 I went through that 'rebellious' stage. I decided that I didn't want to attend church any longer, and gave my parents a really difficult time about it, so much so they stopped fighting with me over it. Around 14 or so I went through a really rough period ...things happened that shouldn't happen to a 14 year old. (or anyone for that matter) That brought me to my knees and made me start searching for something to give me a purpose in life. Later in my teens I reaccepted Christ into my life. This time with a compete different understanding of what it meant. A personal relationship. Not a church relationship. And that was my start. Up until then I had had a "religious" experience with the church. I had no understanding of what prayer was about, in fact I was uncomfortable at the thought of it.
Today...my faith is what gets me through all that takes place. Without it I'd be a basket case. In fact without it I doubt that I could be sitting here and typing this. When I stop and think or hear someone talk about all that Christ has done for me...it makes me cry. I mean, I'm not worthy. To think of someone so perfect who sacrificed so much for me! Honestly up until now I have been scared to watch the movie "The Passion"....I know how it will affect me, but I think I need to face that fear and watch it.
Without my faith in place I face continual judgement. And not how you may think....not from others, (but yes from others to.) I judge myself and think the worst of myself. It's part of who I am. Not feeling like I can meet the standards I set for myself. Not feeling worthy of being loved. Not feeling like I even matter. Feeling that I could never do right, or fill the standard I set. Don't get me wrong, I still fall into this at times. Usually when my faith is tested or weakened. But ultimately it is during those periods of time it becomes stronger because I learn to trust in Him again.
It's the only way to make sense of so many things that take place and don't take place. It would be easy, so much easier to just blame the 'sins' of the world on anything but ourselves. We take an active role in so much that happens and that takes place around us. We make our beds so to speak. We have made our beds. For some that may seem a downer....for me its a reason to believe. I've seen my prayers answered. I've also seen my prayers go unanswered or in reality be answered in ways I didn't think about in the first place and even at times in ways I didn't want them to play out. There is a peace in my heart knowing I'm loved for who I am and what I am....no matter what I am. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I know for me the world wouldn't make sense if I didn't have my faith in a Father who loves me, a Son who died for me and the Holy Spirit working within me.
Not so easy though...sometimes you just know things but they are hard to put into words. Articulating just the right words can be difficult at times. But sometimes if you just start it gets easy, that's the hope here. So I'll attempt to write it out....but I may revise it in the days ahead.
I suppose the best way is to go back to the beginning. I was 5. I was 5 years old when I first was invited to start attending church from a neighborhood friend. She and her family were very active at church and invited me to start attending Sunday school. I learned the usual stories one learns from Sunday school, but unfortunately the most important aspects of my faith were not taught to me at this church. In fact, my experiences in going to "church" from early childhood on were pretty horrible to say the least. The influences I gained were more on the bad side then good. Around the age of 12 I went through that 'rebellious' stage. I decided that I didn't want to attend church any longer, and gave my parents a really difficult time about it, so much so they stopped fighting with me over it. Around 14 or so I went through a really rough period ...things happened that shouldn't happen to a 14 year old. (or anyone for that matter) That brought me to my knees and made me start searching for something to give me a purpose in life. Later in my teens I reaccepted Christ into my life. This time with a compete different understanding of what it meant. A personal relationship. Not a church relationship. And that was my start. Up until then I had had a "religious" experience with the church. I had no understanding of what prayer was about, in fact I was uncomfortable at the thought of it.
Today...my faith is what gets me through all that takes place. Without it I'd be a basket case. In fact without it I doubt that I could be sitting here and typing this. When I stop and think or hear someone talk about all that Christ has done for me...it makes me cry. I mean, I'm not worthy. To think of someone so perfect who sacrificed so much for me! Honestly up until now I have been scared to watch the movie "The Passion"....I know how it will affect me, but I think I need to face that fear and watch it.
Without my faith in place I face continual judgement. And not how you may think....not from others, (but yes from others to.) I judge myself and think the worst of myself. It's part of who I am. Not feeling like I can meet the standards I set for myself. Not feeling worthy of being loved. Not feeling like I even matter. Feeling that I could never do right, or fill the standard I set. Don't get me wrong, I still fall into this at times. Usually when my faith is tested or weakened. But ultimately it is during those periods of time it becomes stronger because I learn to trust in Him again.
It's the only way to make sense of so many things that take place and don't take place. It would be easy, so much easier to just blame the 'sins' of the world on anything but ourselves. We take an active role in so much that happens and that takes place around us. We make our beds so to speak. We have made our beds. For some that may seem a downer....for me its a reason to believe. I've seen my prayers answered. I've also seen my prayers go unanswered or in reality be answered in ways I didn't think about in the first place and even at times in ways I didn't want them to play out. There is a peace in my heart knowing I'm loved for who I am and what I am....no matter what I am. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I know for me the world wouldn't make sense if I didn't have my faith in a Father who loves me, a Son who died for me and the Holy Spirit working within me.
posted by Peach at 5:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home