What is it I want to do?

What do I want to do? This has been the question posed to me quite a few times as of lately. My son will be turning 15 in a month. This means that almost 15 years ago I left the 'workforce' and made being a mother a full time job. I did dabble on and off and worked on short term projects, helped in our business and then as the years went on found myself overseeing ministries but I didn't recieve a 'pay check', just the fulfillment of knowing I was being used by God in the way I knew He wanted me to serve. One of my biggest struggles since the divorce is not having confidence in myself to jump in where I feel the Lord is tugging me.

After the encounter at the airport a couple of weeks ago the lady I met actually offered me a job. That was a first for me, and probably would have taken anyone by surprise, meeting someone in an airport and then an hour later being offered a job. While I was entrigued and blessed by the offer I did turn her down. Then this week I recieved yet another job offer. Luke called me up late last week and told me about a couple of postions opening up in his business and he recalled me saying that I was considering 're-entering' the workforce. The idea alone of 're-entering' the workforce is a lot for me to swallow. After talking with the owner of the business quite a bit I think I have yet again turned down another job offer, knowing I am just not really ready to 'bite' off more then I can chew right now. There is so many complications to my life right now I really just don't know what to do. I finally have a 'personal' relationship that I can count on. I don't want to mess that up. I have four children who rely on me--I can't screw that up. But what is it I want to do? There are times I can feel like a small child in the middle of a candy shop with so many choices before her and really completely unable to know what to do. I have to dedicate time to writing this book, I dont want to sacrifice that. I don't want to force my ex to take me back to court over issues pertaining to money if I start to bring home a pay check, but at the same time I feel that receiving money from my ex keeps me feeling like a kept woman and under his control. I don't like the way that feels. But where does that leave me?

I know I should get a swift kick in the butt and be reminded of the blessings I have and to stop struggling with what what I don't have. Am I asking to much to want that feeling again in my life that I am where I need to be and serving in the way I am suppose to be serving? Is that a selfish desire or one put there by the Holy Spirit?

On my knees.....on my knees.