Tears and asking forgiveness

Last night was a very emotional evening for me. I had just returned from taking Dennis to the airport and the kids came home. There are times like last night when I struggle inside knowing Im trying to do the right thing and work with my ex husband and letting him see the kids when it works best for him. He travels a lot so I work my schedule around his, but everything inside of me is saying maybe its time to stop being as generous. The kids came home and I was already a bit on the emotional side from having said good byes a short while earlier.

They got home a bit later since they had been watching the game at their fathers house. Upon their arrival home we had a few minutes of cuddling and then the stories began. Of who said what and what took place and so on and so forth. The words that hang in the air even today for me are these "daddy said " we are going to go live with him and only visit you mom". As the party who was taken by surprise by my husband walking out on us, taking surprise by the fact he had been having an affair on me, taken surprise by the words "I don't think I ever loved you" each of these events were a constant stab to my heart. Last night it was as if the 'knife' was twisted and shoved harder into my heart. What causes someone to become so discontent with his life he has to take it out on someone who trys hard to stay far away from him in order to avoid being hurt any more? What causes someone to constantly use his children as a wedge to hurt and hurt their children in the process?

Im reading a new book called Happily Remarried by David & Lisa Frisbie. The couple is out of our church and brought two families together after having their lives ripped apart. While the title can be a bit misleading, its an amazing resource of encouragement to those who have been or are still walking in my shoes. Courage to see that you can have a successful marriage ahead and move through the baggage of your past is something hard to find on the shelves of book stores. This is a comment they state in response to some of those hard questions I pose.

"Divorce puts some of us right back in middle school again-entangled in a web of complicated and difficult relationships, besieged by changing loyalities, and burdened with emotional pain. We recognize we're not quite as professional, not quite as mature, and not quite as responsible as we believed we were."

As I listened to the girls explain what took place I felt the blood in my veins roar and out of my mouth popped some very unneeded and ungodly comments about their father. I think I actually shocked my son. I was mad, hurt and reeling in pain, once again by a man who by all rights should no longer have this effect on me. I did apologize to the kids that night and asked their forgiveness for the things I said. They each forgave me, but that brought me to my knees last night. "Lord, do I still have that much to learn in trusting you and knowing that you will work all this out in the end?"