Gazing Upward not Inward
It shouldn't be surprising to think that when one's life falls apart around you that one would find themselves feeling self pity. Almost 4 years ago my life changed overnight it almost seemed. The 'perfect' life I was leading, the 'perfect' example of a family was ripped right out from under my feet. Four years ago this month my ex husband began an affair with his now wife and changed mine and the kids life forever. That was what or how I viewed things until more recently. Until more recently I looked at the things that had been taking place in my life was happening to me not around me or including me. My gaze was inward.
It shouldn't surprise anyone the grief that is felt when you watch a marriage of almost 14 years fall apart around you. It should come as no surprise that the pain one feels watching your children watch their father walk out of the house for the last time. I would not wish that kind of pain even on my worst of enemies, if I had any. But pity can take hold of your heart and give way to a constant gaze inward.
God uses these events I think in our lives to shake us up, to make us turn towards him. I did, each time he shook me up, just not for very long. Im not one to learn things quickly, I suppose. My parents would wholehardly agree to that from my earliest childhood memories I remember always hearing, Jenice will you always learn things the hard way? I have.
After my marriage broke up I watched a very close friend die of breast cancer. A few months later the first of 3 floods occured in my home within a 2 year period. No one should face 1 flood let alone 3. After the first flood our family dog Sadie, collie, jumped to get out of her pen. The pen was made out of a picket fence, she was found the next morning by the kids who will never forget that trauma. Each of these events made me stop and turn towards God and move my gaze upward towards him, but then life would start to fall back into place and me I'd start to look inward again. Self pity, self desire, wants.....me....inward gaze.
Picture a 3 year old little child playing with a remote control car. What does a child at this age do with a remote controlled car? They love to drive it.....into the wall! That's been me until more recently. Recklessly driving my life into a wall. This became abundantly apparent when at the end of last year I found myself in a relationship with a non believer. I had justfication in my mind for everything I had been doing up until that point, it shouldn't shock me or anyone who stumbles across this that I found myself looking for love, just in all the wrong places. I needed to be loved. I was steering myself straight into a brick wall.
That relationship came to a screeching hault at the end of last year and as much as I tried to fight and make that relationship work out, it didn't. It wasn't what God had in mind for me. I see that with wide open eyes today. You couldn't have convinced me of that then. My gaze was inward, not upward.
In February of this year God got my attention, and this time I payed attention. On our trip up and down from Idaho we had had perfect weather until that stretch home from Couer d'Alene. That morning it started to snow. Me being the California girl born and raised that I am, has absolutely no idea what it means when the streets are swirling. The freeway was freezing up. Cars started spinning out of control left and right around me. I had this brilliant idea to follow a semi truck in front of me. Pretty good idea in theory. In practice, it didn't work, I have because of being a California raised female, no idea about anti lock brakes. They kicked in when I tried to slow down when the truck ahead of me was. I had no option but to pull into the passing lane that was very evidently slick and freezing to avoid colliding into the semi truck. As soon as I pulled over into the lane, God took hold of my life....literally.
As I pulled over to avoid colliding with the truck immediately the truck started to spin out of control. The girls in the back started to scream, they thought we were going to die. My coffee flew all over my lap and I sat there thinking ....this is it as I watched the semi trucks fly by me. A few minutes later or seconds even, when I finally realized the truck had stopped moving I realized that I was facing on coming traffic, but safely on an onramp island off the side of the road. The truck had made it across two lanes of traffic and landed safely out of touch. Accidental happening? Convienient? Ha, to think it was anything but God, you would be kidding yourself. God took that steering wheel, my life and put it back on track. I've stopped kicking and screaming and fighting Him. Im listening now. My gaze is upward looking for His direction, not mine any longer. Is it easy? Not at all. It means no longer 'planning' for the things I want. Making decisions based on what I want or see happening. It means listening and waiting. For anyone who knows me, waiting, you must be crazy! Im not the patient sort. The thing is, with my gaze upward instead of inward, its not so hard.
It shouldn't surprise anyone the grief that is felt when you watch a marriage of almost 14 years fall apart around you. It should come as no surprise that the pain one feels watching your children watch their father walk out of the house for the last time. I would not wish that kind of pain even on my worst of enemies, if I had any. But pity can take hold of your heart and give way to a constant gaze inward.
God uses these events I think in our lives to shake us up, to make us turn towards him. I did, each time he shook me up, just not for very long. Im not one to learn things quickly, I suppose. My parents would wholehardly agree to that from my earliest childhood memories I remember always hearing, Jenice will you always learn things the hard way? I have.
After my marriage broke up I watched a very close friend die of breast cancer. A few months later the first of 3 floods occured in my home within a 2 year period. No one should face 1 flood let alone 3. After the first flood our family dog Sadie, collie, jumped to get out of her pen. The pen was made out of a picket fence, she was found the next morning by the kids who will never forget that trauma. Each of these events made me stop and turn towards God and move my gaze upward towards him, but then life would start to fall back into place and me I'd start to look inward again. Self pity, self desire, wants.....me....inward gaze.
Picture a 3 year old little child playing with a remote control car. What does a child at this age do with a remote controlled car? They love to drive it.....into the wall! That's been me until more recently. Recklessly driving my life into a wall. This became abundantly apparent when at the end of last year I found myself in a relationship with a non believer. I had justfication in my mind for everything I had been doing up until that point, it shouldn't shock me or anyone who stumbles across this that I found myself looking for love, just in all the wrong places. I needed to be loved. I was steering myself straight into a brick wall.
That relationship came to a screeching hault at the end of last year and as much as I tried to fight and make that relationship work out, it didn't. It wasn't what God had in mind for me. I see that with wide open eyes today. You couldn't have convinced me of that then. My gaze was inward, not upward.
In February of this year God got my attention, and this time I payed attention. On our trip up and down from Idaho we had had perfect weather until that stretch home from Couer d'Alene. That morning it started to snow. Me being the California girl born and raised that I am, has absolutely no idea what it means when the streets are swirling. The freeway was freezing up. Cars started spinning out of control left and right around me. I had this brilliant idea to follow a semi truck in front of me. Pretty good idea in theory. In practice, it didn't work, I have because of being a California raised female, no idea about anti lock brakes. They kicked in when I tried to slow down when the truck ahead of me was. I had no option but to pull into the passing lane that was very evidently slick and freezing to avoid colliding into the semi truck. As soon as I pulled over into the lane, God took hold of my life....literally.
As I pulled over to avoid colliding with the truck immediately the truck started to spin out of control. The girls in the back started to scream, they thought we were going to die. My coffee flew all over my lap and I sat there thinking ....this is it as I watched the semi trucks fly by me. A few minutes later or seconds even, when I finally realized the truck had stopped moving I realized that I was facing on coming traffic, but safely on an onramp island off the side of the road. The truck had made it across two lanes of traffic and landed safely out of touch. Accidental happening? Convienient? Ha, to think it was anything but God, you would be kidding yourself. God took that steering wheel, my life and put it back on track. I've stopped kicking and screaming and fighting Him. Im listening now. My gaze is upward looking for His direction, not mine any longer. Is it easy? Not at all. It means no longer 'planning' for the things I want. Making decisions based on what I want or see happening. It means listening and waiting. For anyone who knows me, waiting, you must be crazy! Im not the patient sort. The thing is, with my gaze upward instead of inward, its not so hard.
posted by Peach at 12:22 AM
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