Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. " Martha Gandhi

I'll be honest, Im struggling with this again. The realization kind of has hit me upside of the head over the weekend. Things between me and my ex haven't been as 'calm and peaceful' as I would like. Do I hold to high of expectations, where it comes to him still? Do I visualize an existance after a 'divorce' that just can't happen?

This week while I was struggling Dennis was the first one to point me in the direction that I was holding onto bitterness where it comes to my ex. I started really thinking about this and then the sermon this week, half of it was based on foregiveness and it rang home in my heart. Then again last night it happened again, I opened the book I have been slowly reading (not because it isn't good, but because it is so good I want to implement what Im learning before snow plowing through the text). As I opened up the book "Strong Woman, Soft Heart" I opened up to where I had left off, chapter 8, Forgiveness" Experiencing a Heart Set Free. I fell on my knees after reading this and prayed that this struggle would be removed from me. Why is it so hard to let go of that pain? I know what the scriptures say about an unforgiving heart. I know it in my head, but applying it to day by day life after you are hurt by someone in a way almost unthinkable is difficult. It helped me reading what unforgiveness looked like to Paula Rinehart:

"Sometimes I try to picture what unforgiveness would look like in my heart if I could actually see its presence. I suspect it looks like a cement. A dark, sticky cement that shuts down my heart, piece by little piece, and turns it into something as hard as stone. I am not aware of this happening, of course, because everything still works and I am still moving through life. But there is less of me to offer others, less of me that can really respond to God. My heart has shriveled in some hidden buy very hard way. "

I don't want to be remembered in this life here as a woman who struggled with bitterness, hurt and pain. Who walked her life struggling with unforgiveness she couldn't trust her heart to not be broken again. I want to LOVE life and those apart of my life with the fullness God gives us the ability to do so. I know that if I am struggling with forgiving my ex in any way, then others around me will feel those effects of it. The cost of that fact alone is unexceptable to me. Maybe its true after you have been hurt in some ways as I was with my ex I will struggle with the effects of it the rest of my life. I suppose I can live with that fact as long as I continue to trust that the Lord is continuing to teach me and help me grow through each ugly rearing of unforgivness. I want to be remembered as a woman to LOVED life and those around her fully. Who continually gave of herself but with the Lord's help not on her own accord. I want to be remembered for my smile not my frown. I want to be remembered for my laugh not my tears.