Lights! Camera! Emotion!

Tonight the kids and I did our annual tradition of dropping off the 'mystery' stocking at my girl friends home and then driving around to look at the lights. Something not so 'traditional' took place along this drive.

The kids started rehashing the years gone by. Christmas's long ago, more specifically the one that started us on our present path...four years ago. That December four years ago we had had our trip to Maui and the kids were remembering what it was like to see Christmas, or the beginnings of Christmas in Hawaiian style. They remembered the trip, and the fact it was the last 'family' trip we made....and that began the strand of long winded questions....

"Why did daddy decide to divorce you mommy?" "What if daddy wasn't married would you still love him," "Mom, how can you make sure when you get married that you don't marry someone who will divorce you?" "Mom, do you still love daddy?" "If daddy, didn't do what he did, would you still love him?"

This conversation took me by surprise. I'm not really sure what prompted it, besides knowing the kids will be heading off in a few days to spend their week long winter break with their father. I think the knowledge that there may be a lot more changes in the near future taking place also prompted this conversation, but maybe it was just time we had this conversation to clear the air. I was even surprised after a while when my son spoke up. I had been thinking he was probably thinking to himself...man why do these girls have to dig this all up for mom again. But I was wrong. His comment to me was, "Yeah, I remember not really being able to say anything, feeling kind of numb, not sure what to say or feel" I realize for a almost 15 year old son, this is a huge thing to 'cough' up. My son watched his dad, his 'hero' in life, turn into something he would never want to be. My son is blessed with an uncanny ability to see things as black and white. He knows what the scriptures say, and knows what his dad did was wrong. I don't think I will ever really grasp how much the actions of my ex effected my son. I'm just thankful for tonight though and the opportunity it gave my children to open up -with me- and talk. It wasn't easy, but I feel closer to them.