Strength or Weakness?

Four years ago marked the begining of the change of path I lead today. I've been acting as a 'single' and 'single parent' for a bit over four years. Nothing really worthy of noting, but its been on my mind. On my drive home I was talking to my eldest daughter. She was telling me about how close she felt Amanda, her 14 year old step sister, was to excepting Christ into her life. It is a passion of Ashley's to help Amanda lead a different life then that of her mother. She wants her to be a different person and not end up hurting people or being the same kind of individual. That makes me tear up when I think about how great of a passion this is of my daughters after the life we have led.

During this this conversation she says to me, 'wouldn't it be cool if Amanda could go to Awanas this week with me?" My tender heart could't resist but to say, 'yes you should ask her to go "-- and then with a quick reflection of knowing her dad wouldn't want to come back 2 hours later to pick her up, I stated "and maybe she could spend the night" I think I heard my daughters mouth hit the floor on the other end of the phone.

I haven't met my children't step mother. She has been ever present since the day my ex husband walked out on us, but I have had absolutely no desire to meet her. Honestly for months after he left us, I would park my car so that he would have to park outside in the dirt, for not wanting to have her anywhere near my home. I wouldn't call her by her name, she was referred to as 'whats her face' and the mention of her in any form would cause a range within my heart to grow.

Since this time I have grown. But one aspect still remains. I haven't met her yet. For some they can't understand how I could not want to meet the woman that occasionally helps raise my children. Honestly I know this is an area of growth within me the Lord is working on. While talking to Dennis the other night I told him...."Im ashamed of the fact that I don't have the 'strength' to meet this woman." He assured me that it was'nt a matter of strength, it was simply who I am and that if needing someone there by my side was what I needed, then that was what I needed and to not judge myself for feeling weak. I still struggle though.

Amanda came and joined us last night. I didn't go to the front door to meet her or her mother, if she had been there. I was busy on the computer ordering pizza for the kids. "Thats my story and Im sticking to it!" I need to face this fear and struggle, I need to allow Christ to carry this burden of mine. One thing I decided months ago was to not have the children carry the sins of their parents. Having Amanda in my home isn't a threat to me, she is a child, one who needs to know who Christ is....and "What would Jesus do" in this exact situation?

An honest reflection of my weakness.