Doomed .......to think the best in people

I have a small problem. I think people are generally better then they really are. I want to think that people around me especially would treat me the way I would treat them. This generally leaves me hurting. I did it again, I started to believe or even hope the best of 'him' was showing through.

My mother warned me, so did Neek. Dennis pointed out I was just being to nice. Yes, he is at it again.

Thanksgiving is around the corner....can you believe it??? It was just Christmas yesterday I believe. Holidays are difficult, this holiday is really difficult for me.

Five years ago this week I found out my husband was having an affair. Bill had just left to go get the card detailed and cleaned up for an important meeting that week and he had left his cell phone behind. I saw the phone and thought to myself...pick it up! Find out what horrible thing is going on in the business that he is keeping from you. You know something is wrong...find out so you can help....or even just pray more specifically. What I found out wasn't what I could have imagined being on the the other end. . . . A woman crying and saying how much she loves and misses him. I think my heart cracked in to 10000 pieces that day. This just isn't what is suppose to happen in a marriage. This is what happened to mine.

Thanksgiving that year we went to my parents like usual. It was awkward, horribly awkward. I didn't want to tell my parent what was going on. I wanted them to think the best of him, even with all he had done. I wanted to protect him. Stupid girl!

Even after all that time, I still hope for the best in him. I start seeing the 'humane' side of him showing up and I start to hope things will get easier. Why does a man who walks away from his family not understand that it wasn't my divorce darn it! He got his divorce! I never asked for it, never agreed to it, and while yes I was there, I didn't participate. But he got it all the same. And so I accepted it after some time.

This Thanksgiving he wants to have the kids after not being around for this holiday in the past few years. We agreed that I would have the kids every Christmas...(I wouldn't budge on that one) and he could have them Thanksgiving...but I got them the day after and through the weekend. That first year, he took the kids I cried all Thanksgiving...and I sat home alone. It was the worst holiday of my life. Even worse then the one I spent with my family...because at least it was family that year.

Each time my children leave me to spend time with their father it rips me in half. I didn't ask for this life, I didn't want this life. I know I am blessed in ways I hardly begin to realize. I know it could be so much more difficult....but all the same, this wasn't MY CHOICE. But I guess sometimes in life, we just don't get a choice. Sometimes in life we just have to learn to accept the hand that we have been dealt.