Oh the Things we will learn...learning to say "sorry, I can't"

From day one of being a single parent saying the word "No" to my children upon a request has been difficult. I have had a passion in my heart for my children to have a "normal" life in spite of the cards that were dealt to us. I might only be one person, but I didn't want that to become an excuse. As I lay on the sofa a little bit ago completely fatigued and exhausted I said to my son upon his request to go to Bible Study tonight..."Hunny can I just say No tonight?" Guilt ridden I lay there feeling like a horrible parent. This was the second time "it" happened this week.

This week has been conference week for my younger children. The week in which all 6 weeks worth of work has to be turned in, grades submitted, and the various forms the state requires of the school. All three of the girls love to act and be in school or church drama groups. This is probably my own fault considering I involved each of them by the time they were 3. My thought was they would feel more comfortable later in life learning to stand up in front of a gathering of people. I think I proved myself right...they just love to perform. Actually, they love the performance the practice they could do without....but then who of us wouldn't feel the same way?

My daughter is in drama in High School and is getting ready to perform Little Women coming up next month....I am already exhausted from the additional driving that entails....and then the form came home with my younger two. " Seaussical, Jr".......oh man.. that is such a cute show and I absolutely LOVE Dr. Seuss!! The younger two have been begging and pleading and I finally got the guts to say, I can't, I just can't. But I have been feeling guilty...until today.

I was laying there thinking maybe just maybe I have been looking at this all wrong. What would I love to do right now or in the next week? Well, I'd love to learn to fly! I would love to fly off to the Bahama's next week, or even more practically to Australia to visit my sister who lives there now. But is this going to happen? Nope. Disappointments happen in life on a regular basis. We don't always get to do what we want to. Thats Ok. I know that, but why is it I believe I have to give my children everything?

I'm sure if I was sitting in a doc's office they would offer me some benefit of understanding what it is I am trying to do. I am sure there is some deep rooted physiological reason for me wanting to protect my kids and give them everything. Maybe it is as simple as I love my kids and want the world for them. But that isn't what our lives will have. It's time I start looking at it from a different angle and allowing the fact that I am a single parent to come in to play, instead of killing myself in the process of doing it all.