Quiet and Empty Nights

"Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid."

by Frances in Under the Tuscan Sun

These nights alone when the children are gone and I have no plans leave me in a mood thats hard to explain. Depressed, you might think, no no longer. Angry, no, of what? No, the mood that having the house all to yourself, leaves me simply sort of sad. A couple of weeks ago it hit me hard that I am a single woman and have been for some time now. A small light bulb went off, and it was as if I could step away from myself and completely look at who I am today, and where I was at. Self reflections some might say. I don't think until now I've really been able to do that. The pain of betrayal, the pain of the divorce backed up by a constant state of survival, I don't think I could really look at who I was and am until now.

Tonight I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun" again. This movie I watched a few years ago right after my ex walked out on me. It gave me a small lift of spirit. Tonight I watched it again and I was once again encouraged to do more. I struggle, I struggle with the desire to live this life I see pictured in my head. A happy marriage, kids running around, grandchildren around the corner, sitting in a swing hanging from a porch, loved. An image, a wish, a strong desire of what I would call happiness. I've worked so hard to get myself 'whole' once again. I've worked so hard at rebuilding my shattered life. I've put my focus on Christ and what He wants for me. But still Ill admit, I wish............

During the movie Frances falls apart (well a few times, but that part I completely understand), at this point she has a new home, a Villa in Tuscany. Shes left her home in the States and moved to Italy, she has a 3 bedroom home, and feels so alone. Her friend Martini comforts her by sharing with her an illustration that was for me a huge comfort. "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come. " My life doesn't feel so empty today. I have my children (most of the time), a man that I love dearly, and a life I want to live to the fullest. My life is just beginning. My life has huge potential to come. Its the waiting, the waiting thats so difficult, especially during these quiet and empty nights.