Who I was who I am and where Im going

Christmas is here! I love this time of the year, no no no I really LOVE this time of year! I'm so greatful to have the ability to love this time of year again. Four years ago my life was changed in ways I'll never completely recover from, however one area the Lord has rebuilt me in has been to enjoy to the fullest this time of year for all that it is.

We decorated the tree on Monday, knowing the kids would be gone this coming weekend to get a head start on the decorating. We go all out! For years I had more then one tree in the home, we still do, the girls have one in their room, Ashley insists on a live tree in her room, and then the tree in the living room. I also keep a smaller one in the entrance, but years ago I even had one in the kitchen. . . a live one. After two years in a row of watching the live tree droop and fall apart on the floor I gave up (for now). One day I hope to live somewhere where you can actually cut one down and bring it in super fresh, but for now we still do the best we can. In addition to picking up new ornaments each year, representing the places we travel to, visit or do, I try to get a ornament to represent some sort of important thing that happened to our family.

A new tradition I started was starting a village with the kids. Since the first year I had to handle Christmas alone, this was something new for us. The kids really look forward to the battle that is sure to take place arguing over what home, store or item we purchase for that year. They are expensive so we can only get one, but it would almost not mean as much if we didn't fight over it. This year I wanted the coffee shop, I even had Ashley agreeing with me (my other coffee lover) but no, the girls insisted we had to have a house. We have stores but no houses, so this is what we ended up with.

Christmas is a time of reflection for me. Who I am, who I was, which you can't help recall as you hang all the ornaments up on the tree, and where am I headed. One thing that has been really on my heart is where am I serving the Lord? A few months ago I started to really think about who I was in loved doing. Speaking to women and encouraging them was something I really enjoyed doing. I felt as if this was where the Lord wanted me. I miss that. I even popped in a tape I did a few years ago (like 10!) at a Christmas gathering of 200 or so women and listened to myself talk to them about incorporating Christ as the center of the Holiday season. Tears ran down my face as I remembered the pain I felt standing there 8 months pregnant and speaking. So I have been reflecting on what element of that could I still be today. One thing that keeps coming to my mind is the struggle of being a single parent, and the lack of support there really is for us. Churches across the US have singles ministries, but seldom do you encounter a ministry that is there for single parents. It shouldn't be surprising when its all we can do to keep our head above water, keep clothing washed, the house cleaned, bills paid, and the kids to and from all of their activities. This made me start thinking more and more about an online ministry. My head started spinning with the idea and then at church that week Chris made me really stop and reflect, why was it I was interested in this. Was it to serve the Lord or to make me feel good? I honestly couldn't answer that. I wasn't sure that the idea was motivated by the desire to leave my mark, to do something 'worthy', instead of serving God 100 percent. Its something I am praying hard about. I spent a bit of time even designing the web site's beginning, a simple blog. I've spent time researching what is out there, and talked in length with Neek who's husband run's CARM and have them praying about weather this would be to much for me to do or not. Keep me in your prayers so that the Lord would use me where He wants, not where I want.