362 Days and Counting
In my early 30's when I was at a point in my life that had me being a public speaker I wanted to be older then I was. Melinda, a dear friend of mine who went to be with the Lord the same month I was served divorce papers had encouraged me early after having my first child to go into ministry. Up until then I had had no desire to share with others, minister to others, but after having children my life changed. My focus and life's purpose changed. Its amazing what having a small child can do to a person. Melinda's encouragement brought me to a place in my late 20s and early 30's of being in a 'spotlight'.
Talking to mom's and women all over the San Diego area, thinking about who I was then brings tears to my eyes, because I am nothing like that person. The idea of standing in front of others brings about a fear that I never had then. But the one thing I wanted years ago that I am running from like crazy now was 'age'. I knew as a young mom I really didn't have the cap of wisdom, ok grey hair to go along with what I was saying. I was constantly humbled by the thought of who am I anyway that someone would care to listen to me. I wanted to be 'older', I wanted to be 40. 362 Days and counting to that day I dreamed of now has me trembling in my boots. This birthday wasn't one I enjoyed, celebrated or even wanted. I think the Lord is being patient with me, in my silliness, but at the same time, wouldn't it be nice if we could turn back the clock?
I found myself looking back over music from the 80's tonight. That's what brought about this reflection. 'Funky Town' now there's a song my children couldn't help but laugh at, not that I could blame them. But music brings about pleasant memories for me, its a way to bring about focus in my life again. A way to prepare my heart to charge forward in the next 362 days ahead. Will I still be single? Will it still matter? Reflecting on the past, and hoping for the future!
Thank you to all the Happy Birthday Wishes I haven't had time to respond to yet. You did a wonderful job at not allowing me to forget the day I wanted to forget :P
posted by Peach at 11:22 PM
4 Comments:
Happy belated birthday even though it wasn't one that you were crazy about. I just turned 41, so I know what you are talking about. I always figured I'd have my life figured out by now...that I'd be married, have children, be set financially, etc. None of those things have happened, and like you, I wonder what life will be like one year from now. So, you aren't alone. Hang in there.
I think that we women get an insecure, disconnected sort of complex after we've been abandoned. This world isn't well designed for women alone. Are you out of public speaking entirely?
I have a hard time picturing myself speaking again, but then again I would never have imagined I would have had the courage the first time. For now, I don't see it, but who knows what the Lord has in store! :)
Thanks for the birthday wishes Lee! Wouldn't it be cool to be able to just freeze time :P
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