Monumental Moments

I've always been a person to pay attention to those special dates. Birthdays, anniversary's, events of significance. Until a few years ago, Birthdays and holidays were very very huge events in my home. These dates usually reflected growth, opportunity to celebrate, reflection but today we have a few that just leave the feeling of sadness and sometimes despair.

I figured it would be more appropriate to reflect about the significance of this month before the actual 'D Day'.

I've been a single parent now for over 5 years, but my marriage ended only 4 years ago. Only..... What kind of significance can you attach to the end of a marriage? Where is the opportunity to celebrate in the end of something God brought together and one person decided to walk away from?

Divorce, a word that was hard to utter just a few years ago. A word that only a few people would consider. A word that 'yesterday' most children had never heard of. Divorce, part of main stream families across the United States, a part of living, just like the birth of a child, just another event in the lives of many. We are the americanized family of the 21st century. Oh joy!

I still to this day can't stand to say that I am a divorced woman. Id much rather call myself a single parent and leave the why a big question mark. Call me old fashioned, call me stubborn, thick headed even, but I don't like the word. Divorce represents quitting in every possible way to me. It represents the ripping apart of family. Usually it is the after affect of the loss of trust, fidelity and after months of lies. It represents failure. No not as a person, but the complete idea of it. My children will never have the security I dreamed for them. The security I walked around with for years thinking I would never experience. My children have to struggle with missing a parent in their life each and every day. I can provide as much security and stability as possible but it still will never be what it was. What God intended for families.

Moments to reflect on usually bring about joy and happiness. With divorce, you find yourself in reflection over the things that will never be far to often. While I have grown tremendously in the years since my divorce, I still have so much to learn and accept. The anger is gone, the agony is gone, the pain for the most part is gone too. But there are left over emotions that can creep up and take me by surprise.

A couple of years ago I was thinking about this month and feeling rather low. I made a promise to myself to turn this date around, to make it monumental in a way that I could hold onto. This month represents to me now what for many New Years Eve is. Its the start of a new year, the start of larger steps forward. The beginning, no longer the end. Today I started thinking about what I 'hope' the new year will bring about. Today I started thinking and hoping foward again.