Who am I ?

Interesting concept to think about really. Who am I? I had some time tonight to sit and think about this thought. Ive been playing around and trying to dedicate more time to writing again. Blogging has helped me get back into the groove if you will, so today I was thumbing through some of my past 'starts'. I call them starts because I get started and never really get into what ever it is Im trying to convey or write. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that my thinking can just get crazy ( ok nonsensical :P). This was something I started writing a year ago:

Emotional Rock Bottom the New Beginning

I don’t recall the hour or the day exactly but some time after that 2^nd court battle I can remember feeling a tremendous rush of emotion hit me when I realized that my life as I had been and who I was was over. The next question that hit me upside the head was simply, who am I now? I recall the evening after watching some sort of chick flick that showed a man and a woman in their late 60s after being married for so long still in love at that point facing what we all face as we get older. The love illustrated by the couple was so overpowering it brought me to a startling emotional downfall and I cried like I hadn’t cried since the night that I found out what my ex had done. The difference this time was this cry was a cleansing cry. A cry to release all of that ‘what if” and “only ifs’ that we tend to hold on when things happen to us in life. What if I had approached or handled this differently. That night I realized that it no longer mattered what if I had, I was now at the point that It didn’t happened I didn’t do that and there was no going back to change it …it was time to move forward.

But the question of who was I was as scary as facing whom I was no longer. I knew that now, I had faced that over time. I was no longer the wife of my ex, extreme hostess, yes doer of whatever was asked of me…but who was I now?

(I believe the chick flick I was referring to was The Notebook.)

I cried when I read this. Why you ask? Because for one I could remember the emotions of what it felt to live what I did. and secondly, because I wondered how much have I really moved on since then? Do I know who I am or want to be?

I am strong willed and when convicted my passion for what I believe it is unswaying. I know some of the things I want to be or who I want to represent.

I was talking with a friend this past weekend about how difficult it is to be single and or dating again after being married. At one point in my marriage I had what a marriage is suppose to be. A secure relationship, companionship, best friend, and all the wonders that go with that. Once you have something you know what you are missing when you dont. Don't get me wrong, being single does have its advantages too. You dont have to get someone else's opinions before doing things, consider what they are doing before commiting to things, etc. However....honestly the plus's of being married far outweigh being single. No matter how great it is....there is nothing sweeter then falling asleep in the arms of someone you love. Having someone who cares about you and notices things ...small things about your appearance, personality or anything that may be off. Someone who just 'knows' you and loves you with all they are. Even with as hard as a marriage is to keep solid, the advantages far outweigh the hardships. One thing we both agreed on when we were chatting this weekend was this:-- Its easy ....so easy to take for granted the things you dont think about when you have that person in your life. The securities, the being nearby, the conversations, having someone who believes in you and what you want to accomplish, somone who just simply loves you for who you are, just the simplist of things. We both agreed that no matter what lay ahead for either of us....we wont take those little things for granted again.

"Trust! A bridge that connects two hearts together."

"Love is personified in that moment of sharing your greatest weakness not your strength." Jenice