Feelings of Inadequacy

Today my 7 year old brought me to my knees. She was invited to attend a birthday party with friends from school. I was excited for her, since she is new to this school and just now starting to adjust. So I dropped her off to watch Curious George...cute movie, brought tears to my eyes even (I know Im hopeless we got to see this up in Idaho) and then she went over to LampPost pizza after. I went in to pick her up and she is beaming....she had 3 stuffed animals she won from one of those silly game machines. She has been plunking way to much money in them for way to long now. (In Vegas as I was asked about all the slot machines Ash explained to her that she kinda was addicted to those stuffed animal machines like people get addicted to slot machines in Vegas....I had know idea how right she was) after the excitement settled down a little bit, the mother came over to me. there is just nothing worse(humbling so) then a mom coming to talk you.....they always have a look in their eyes...(I know this because I have had many a talk to moms myself). She asked me if I was aware my daughter had $17.00 in her pocket. I informed her I was not. So from there you can imagine how the conversation went. Me feeling humiliated...and then I find out she had asked her if I knew she had that money....and Jess said yes. So now I have a daughter who not only snuck money out of the house, is addicted to games and now lies! I did the best I could at the place to talk to her without causing a scene....required her to give one of the stuffed animals to the birthday girl...and then as soon as possible ducked out of the party.

The drive from there was proceeded with tears from me at first....later from her. Explaining integrity and honesty to a 7 year old is hard. (and hard is even understated) I miss the days of the kids being young enough to put over my knee or to drop them in a crib when they did something wrong. Usually it was something as simple as touching the wrong thing...or going into a place they were not allowed....its soooooo much more difficult now.

As we continued home and had to run a couple of errands I started to think though. I was upset and frustrated and humiliated...but then I remembered my own childhood...

I remembered how when I did something wrong it would be hours if not a day or more before I felt like things were restored with my mother. The feeling that your mom doesn't love you is the worst thing in the world. I know it still is a huge part of me today in how I respond to things. Neek had pointed this out to me when I wrote this blog. So I made sure before we went back in the house that I said all that needed to be said and cleared the air and told her nothing more would be said about it.....and I told her I love her.

I think honestly this is when I miss or struggle the most at being a single parent. To have someone to just tell me I did the best I could....that Im not a total failure as a parent....to encourage me if you will.