Just a Childhood Prank?

I found myself in a interesting predicament last week.

My eldest daughter Ashley (14 in the next couple of months) was invited over to a friends house for a sleepover birthday party. At first I hesitated, knowing the last few parties these girls have been getting a little carried away, but since it was at one of the pastors daughters of our church girls, I decided not to worry and to let her attend. Ashley is incredibly mature for her age, and gets complimented on it regularly, but she is still just a girl. Saturday I ran over to pick her up before her dad got back into town to have them the remainder of the weekend.

Ashley gets into the jeep and starts talking 100 miles per hour. Of course for anyone who knows me well, yes yes she is much like me and we can understand each perfectly! She starts telling me immediately that they went out and tp'd (toilet papered) a friend (neighbors) house last night around midnight. A cop came up and checked out what they were doing, other teenagers were apparently out tagging, and a group of other teenagers ran up and spooked them. Childhood prank? The part that keeps confusing me even still today is that the mom was the one to drive them over to do this. Call me old fashioned, but I don't want my children doing something like this. She knew that.

Immediately she says to me, I have my hole morning planned out mom (the whole 'hour' she has before her father shows up). She immediately wants to go over and help the boy and his mom clean up the yard, her conscience had gotten the better of her, and she was feeling completely guilty. She even spent most of the time in the car not feeling like she could do as much as the other girls. By the time she went over they had already gotten the yard cleaned up, and no one was home. Then her dad showed up.

I was perplexed. Was I wrong in my thought process? I know my dad would have whipped my rear had I done anything like that as a kid, but even still is that the reason why I didn't agree with it. I thought about this the rest of the day and then went to church Saturday night. I prayed on the way over, "Lord please help me and give me an obvious open door to discuss this with the mom of the birthday girls, or Ill take it as a sign to let it go" I guess my lesson learned, when you pray specifically, be prepared for the Lord to answer you!

As I entered into church (remember I attend a HUGE church) guess who was walking straight at me. Ugg, Lord Im uh uh uh really I didn't mean to be so specific, uh uh uh. Immediately she asked if I had heard about the antics and I told her I had, but that I was a bit disappointed. She quickly dismissed it as well these boys do this all the time, what comes around goes around. Needless to say, that conversation didn't go so well. But I let it go. Immediately after church, however, she came right back and apologized to me. Im not sure if it was the sermon "Can you hear HIM now" is our new series, on the Voice of God, of just the leading of the Holy Spirit, but all the same....the conversation that followed made me feel much better.

What did I learn you ask? It is SO hard being a single parent and questioning your beliefs each and every day. I also don't think I can go wrong being a little bit old fashioned in my thoughts. My daughter, has a conscience! But, she is still a young girl. In one moment I felt so proud of her, and the other I was sad I had allowed her to be put in a position that I still don't really know how to guide her to respond to in the future. How do you fit into the crowd without making waves? Should a child at 14 even have to worry about this?

The worst of it is that this is just the beginning. The best part of it, seeing your children struggle but know what is right and wrong, and why! I don't have the answers, maybe I never will. But I just take each day as it comes and try to provide the best training ground possible for my children before they take the world on. My kids will make a difference!

362 Days and Counting

In my early 30's when I was at a point in my life that had me being a public speaker I wanted to be older then I was. Melinda, a dear friend of mine who went to be with the Lord the same month I was served divorce papers had encouraged me early after having my first child to go into ministry. Up until then I had had no desire to share with others, minister to others, but after having children my life changed. My focus and life's purpose changed. Its amazing what having a small child can do to a person. Melinda's encouragement brought me to a place in my late 20s and early 30's of being in a 'spotlight'.

Talking to mom's and women all over the San Diego area, thinking about who I was then brings tears to my eyes, because I am nothing like that person. The idea of standing in front of others brings about a fear that I never had then. But the one thing I wanted years ago that I am running from like crazy now was 'age'. I knew as a young mom I really didn't have the cap of wisdom, ok grey hair to go along with what I was saying. I was constantly humbled by the thought of who am I anyway that someone would care to listen to me. I wanted to be 'older', I wanted to be 40. 362 Days and counting to that day I dreamed of now has me trembling in my boots. This birthday wasn't one I enjoyed, celebrated or even wanted. I think the Lord is being patient with me, in my silliness, but at the same time, wouldn't it be nice if we could turn back the clock?

I found myself looking back over music from the 80's tonight. That's what brought about this reflection. 'Funky Town' now there's a song my children couldn't help but laugh at, not that I could blame them. But music brings about pleasant memories for me, its a way to bring about focus in my life again. A way to prepare my heart to charge forward in the next 362 days ahead. Will I still be single? Will it still matter? Reflecting on the past, and hoping for the future!

Thank you to all the Happy Birthday Wishes I haven't had time to respond to yet. You did a wonderful job at not allowing me to forget the day I wanted to forget :P

Oh but I want to DANCE!

Enough belly aching over what I want, enough of the whining over what I don't have, its time to dance....that was a decision I made today sitting at the beach.

I took the day off after working this morning. Two of my children have started school ( High School can you believe it!) but since the work load is still rather light today was the PERFECT day to go to the beach. The crowds were smaller, tourists have headed home, the water was warm, the sky was clear, it was Beautiful.

I sat reading for some time the newest of my treasured collection from Angela Thomas, " When Wallflowers Dance". In times past I would have never considered myself a wallflower, but since my divorce, I think its a term that could fit me quite easily. I spent a lot of time this afternoon in quite meditation. Wondering, seeking and soul searching. In reality I have spent the greater part of the past week in a type of soul searching period. Consider your ways as the scriptures state has been my state of mind. Today it kind of hit me.

The reality is a year ago I wouldn't have thought I was still going to be living here in this town and having my children going off again to two different cities and not one of them in the one I live in to attend school. I didn't think I was going to have to face the intensity of making the decisions at the beginning of a school year alone again. God has had a different plan in mind for me then what I had. Not that the plan I hope for still isn't attainable, but not this year. School starting up again this year caused me a lot of pain. There isn't much of a choice in my mind, I want the best education for my children and I don't want them dropped into a school with hundreds or thousands of children, so I'm back to the rat race of driving again. I started feeling the resentment building up. Dennis is overly patient with me that much I know! Today however, I am not going to whine any more. Today, I am going to start learning how to dance again. I am going to put my desires and dreams on hold and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the last moments I have with two of my children in high school, there sure isn't much time left, so I will not spend it complaining about the traffic, the loneliness or the struggle anymore. At least, thats the plan.

Unlocking the past

I haven't been in the mood to write much lately. Overwhelmed in life, finding myself in a period of quiet time this weekend I thought I would sit and reflect a few minutes.

Another small aspect of my life is coming to a close. Wednesday my mother walked me around my grandmothers property showing me the things to keep an eye on while its on the market. My grandmother is now living in assisted living and my parents have spent a huge part of their life getting the place ready to sell. Just in time for a slump in the market unfortunately. So on Wednesday when I came home from work, the girls and I headed over to Oma's place to see what they have done.

Walking around the property my heart was flooded with childhood memories. Simple, sweet and tender memories. The rock in the backyard that was so huge in my childhood just a small boulder now. The towering avocado trees not so big any more. Flower and fruit trees much sparser then years gone past. Its just not the same with Oma not there. My dad's 'stuff' gone. Hard to believe, my dad keeps everything, anything and parts with nothing. In years gone past my grandmothers place was one of those places he would tuck things away at, so he wouldn't get the look from mom. All those areas had been cleared out. It was just....... different. The same, but not the same. Empty.

Today my mother got an offer. One too good to turn away from, and in two weeks the place will be someone elses. Another piece of my past, unlocked and walked away from. Sadness fills my heart.

Struggling with focus

Leaving the theater this afternoon after going to see Bourne Ultimatum with my son it kind of hit me. "This is my life". It isn't at all what I wanted, but I am blessed all the same to have the things I have. Life seems to be passing me by while I sit reflecting on the things I want instead of all that I have. I honestly don't know how to get past the wants and desires in my life. I don't know how to get past the other side of the garden always seems greener. I picture a life I want for myself, for my children but that isn't apparently what the Lord has in store for me, at least for now. How do we get past the struggle?

I framed on my computer cabinet door the saying " Happiness is getting what we want, Contentment is being happy with what we have" I suppose I need to change my focus, my focus needs to be put back on contentment, not happiness. "Happiness" can come and go so quickly. The birth of a child can make two parents the happiest they have ever felt, and then in a fleeting second the death or divorce in that family can rip that family apart.....happiness gone in a flash replaced with emptiness. I suppose I feel empty. I don't like this feeling. The struggles of life have gotten the better of me, the passion disappeared. I want it back. I think it comes with the feeling of contentment. Being 'happy' in all things. The thing is, I just don't know where I belong. Im a single mom, struggling in relationships, job, parenting, home remodeling, and to top it off this is the month I get to celebrate the passing of yet another year of my life. Arrrgh.

I need to change my focus, from happiness, to contentment. I just wish it was as easy as all that.