If today was the last day of your life...........

If you were faced with the end of your life what would you do differently? Will people remember me when I am gone? Will I have left a mark? Have you ever had that question posed, the one that leaves you speechless?

In one of the last few sermons at church it was either Larry or Chris who asked this question of us. If we knew we only had a few days left to live, if we knew the end of our life was drawing near, what would we do and what would we change about how we are living? Oh sure, sell everything, buy that fast car, sports boat, take that trip to Europe you have been postponing, all those thoughts usually fly through the mind when we are given a question like this. But when you sit down to think about it a bit more seriously, when you have to stop to think about the real aspects of your life coming to a close, do we really know what we would do or do differently?

I found myself talking the other night about a woman who crossed paths we me for a very short time. Her name was Amy. Amy was diagnosed with a brain tumor still in the youth of life. Amy and her husband had recently just adopted a son after years of trying to have children and not being able to. She was a mother, a woman, a Godly woman who left a mark in my life that I will never forget.

Amy was one of those women who shared Christ with everyone and anyone who crossed her path. In the hospital there wasn't one single sole that wasn't talked with and prayed over during those last few weeks of her life. I remember one instance that was shared with me I have yet to forget. One day she and a friend were walking over to my house to try out one of those infamous mom's group meetings I held for years in my home. Apparently on the walk to my house she and her girlfriend along with her son heard a siren. They stopped and Amy said, "lets pray. Someone, some precious sole somewhere is hurting, lets pray for that unspoken sole." I've never forgot the woman who would pray for someone she didn't even know, at the drop of a hat. I don't even begin to hope to be a woman like Amy was. She left her mark on me, she left her mark on many. But I do know I want to live my life today with no regrets, without looking back and only with the fear to hope for what the future may bring.

Wordless

I know for those who know me well this isn't a word usually used to define me. I am usually quite capable of talking endlessly for hours at end even about a vast variety of topics. But lately, I have found myself wordless.

Maybe its been the period of deep reflection I have found myself in. Maybe its the fact I have yet another child hitting the 8th grade graduation mark. Maybe its the daughting fact my children are growing up, after sitting up till 3:00 am in the morning when you have a teenager out watching a midnight premier. Maybe its just hitting me my sister is moving to Australia in 2 weeks. Maybe its not wanting to voice my strong desires and wants, and trying hard to wait patiently on the Lord. Maybe its so so many maybe's that are attached to my life right now.

But that is who I am wordless and oh yes TIRED! :) But this too shall pass, this is a fact Im quite postive of!

Wanting Happiness, Needing Contentment

The quote I have framed on my dresser this week to focus my heart and mind on is this:

"Happiness is getting what we want; contentment is wanting what we get." Linda Dillow

I've never been bashful when it comes to things I want in life. I strive to get them, I work hard towards the goal. I have the mindset that if I really want it, nothing can stop me. Funny thing is in life it doesn't really always work out that way. This is especially true with relationships. I think Im in a place where the Lord is showing me that I don't really know what I want right now. I think I can picture the happy ending, but that's my happy ending. I know that my life is already set in motion. The Lord is in control of each event that will take place in my life. I can fight Him along the way or I can walk with Him, and even be carried by Him through the heart ache and heart break. I don't know about you but I simply want to be content in where I am.

Working towards the happiness can steal away the peace of today. Working towards the goal can take away the blessing the Lord has given me in this very moment.

Finding happiness means we are looking for that out of people. We are all sinners, we will all fail each other, over and over again. I think the years I have lived have shown me that much to be true. There is no perfect person, there is no perfect marriage, there is no perfect anything. I can simply be content with what I have been given. I can simply learn to want what I have been given. I can learn to be content.

Words that encourage-priceless

Most of us walk through our lives searching for a bit of 'signficance'. Where do I fit in? Who cares if I am here? Do I really make a difference?

Im not sure about you but those are words that cross my mind when I walk into a room of people I don't know. The older I get the more unsure of myself I can feel when I don't know what to expect. Taking this position and working part time was a hurdle for me to cross. Walking into an office environment, trying to feel like I can fit in, but not really sure I would or wanted to, it was a bit of a struggle. It's been a good fit.

Last week I was called into the owners office, always a bit intimidating. I had a couple of ideas about what I was called in for, but I still wasn't 100 percent certain. A week before I had been called in to be told that a coworker has cancer and she wanted us to all act as if life was normal around her. Thats isn't so easy to do. So last week, I wasn't really sure what to expect, at the same time the guy who is directly wasn't in the office either.

The owner is a great business owner, and a great Christian man. He wanted to thank me again for all I've done, and check with me about some projects that a bunch in the office were talking about giving me. He knew it wasn't in my so called 'job' description but wanted me to know that everyone likes me and trusts me so its easy for them to want to give me more. Cute really, but this can be an issue for someone like me who doesn't know how to say 'no'. He let me know that he was aware of my needs, needing to be there for the kids first, and needing flexible hours. He didn't want to give me more and ask more of me, unless I was ready or wanting. We talked and came to a good compromise, one that helps the business but keeps me flexible. The conversation made me feel important, needed and appreciated. Something, honestly, I haven't had in a really really long time.

Motherhood can be difficult, children don't know to appreciate all that a mom does for them. I don't have a spouse here to encourage me and support me. Im a lone in the process. For years I never would have seen or suggested that a mom might need a job to find significance. But for today, in my circumstances of life, I highly suggest it. I'm blessed that I have a job that the business understands where my priories lay. Im blessed to have the flexibility to work how and where I need to. I'm blessed and feeling encouraged again in life and that's simply put, priceless.

A fixed focus

It's hard not to notice after a day like today that summer is just around the corner. My youngest celebrated her last single digit birthday today. My baby is 9. May is full upon us. Summer felt like it hit today with temperatures in the mid 80's and the sky crystal blue. A day like today I have been longing for with our prolonged 'winter/spring' May grey as they call it.

With another school year soon coming to a close it has had me thinking about the year to come. While at the same time I am trying desperately not to think of things as I would like, dream of a future I want, I have to start thinking about the new year to come.

Next year Ill have two children in high school. Scary thought. Sometimes it feels like Im living in a cloud getting through, getting by, week by week. Running the kids to and from school, to and from friends houses, to and from churches, here there never ending. I added up the time I spend driving the kids places a week or so ago and found that I easily spend 8 -9 hours driving my children "places" each week. I started asking myself, am I loosing focus? What is the focal point of my life? Shouldn't we have a focus of our lives?

Five years ago my life changed. My husband had already walked away from us and life was changing. Sure he was coming home now and again, but life was different. I started loosing my focus. Im not sure I ever regained a focus or thought much about what my purpose really is. I don't think that's what God intends for our lives. We need to have a 'focus' a purpose, a reason for all that it is we 'do' each day. The end of the school year has always been a time for me to reevaluate 'stuff', this year Im choosing to reevaluate my focus and purpose and make sure that everything it is I do is based on that vision.

Ephesians 5:15-17 (NIV) Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Prescription for Contentment

The other day before heading out to Ashley's volleyball practice I was looking over all the books in my small library. I knew in my heart I was needing to read something that would grab my heart again. Something to give me drive towards hope and focus. I picked up the book by Linda Dillow "Calm my Anxious Heart" and that evening I lost myself in almost half the book. Her words captured me, calmed me, and made me cry.

I would like to think I have a content heart. I would like to think I walk around not wanting, but I dont. Her illustrations of single women craving a marriage, married women craving to be with another man, or mothers wanting to travel, grabbed my attention. Its that simple illustration of 'the grass is always greener'.

How many of us can walk each day in a state of complete and utter acceptance and fulfillment for where God has us? I'd venture to guess the majority of us fail in this in almost an hourly regularity.

She gave a prescription at the beginning of the book from a woman who served as a missionary in Africa in 120+ degree weather. She had samplings from her diary and this is what she came up with:

Prescription to contentment

Never allow yourself to complain about anything--not even the weather.

Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.

Never compare your lot with anothers.

Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.

Never dwell on tomorrow-remember that tomorrow is God's not ours.

I framed these words and placed them both on my desk here and at work. It almost seems like to much to bite off all at once, so I'm choosing to work on one a day. I write this in a sense of commitment to work towards enjoying the day as it is and not wanting for something else. I write this to find that greater peace the Lord wants us all to have. Can you imagine our world if we all worked towards this simple prescription? What a place we would have!