Sadness

Some things in life can make you laugh and cry hard all in the same 30 seconds! This article did that for me after reading it from "A view from her"

A couple meets online. They pour hours of their time into each other, countless letters, time that can never be replaced, words that will never be forgotten. Each of these two individuals were thinking they had found the 'right' one. They knew they had found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with.

The only problem: they were already married. To each other. Now they are divorcing after discovering each other's cyber-unfaithfulness.

If you can't say something nice,...........

Most of us have heard this saying, it goes like this.. "If you can't say something nice, then just don't say anything at all." This has been one of the hardest but well learned lessons from going through a divorce for me.

There seems to be a small bit of truth in another saying as well. "History is an endless repetition from the wrong way of living."

Early every year I can expect a letter from my ex husband on how he wants to be the 'ideal' father, have more time with the kids, make their schedule his priority and be the 'fantastic father he imagines' as if there was such a possibility after walking away from your wife and kids after 14 years. Every year his budget gets tight and funds dry up and things get rougher for him. Every year when this occurs, I get the brunt of his frustration. Patterns, are well set, and well learned.

Early this year I got such a letter. One that stated his intent to put business second and that he was going to work around the kids schedule for now on, and business would take 2nd place. While I knew better I allowed the letter to still frustrate me. Recently the kids came home and informed me that he was selling his house (2nd house since the divorce....4 years ago), selling the trailer, and the mini cooper. Granted the man has had 6 new and different cars in the past year as well.....but lets let that go unsaid, (oops :) ).

After that discussion with the kids I started getting an uneasy feeling. The feeling that I knew what was going to happen next. I hate those kind of feelings. In this instance, I really hate being right.

I learned a few years ago to put aside his frustration and accept that that is what He was going through and to not allow his words to take hold of my heart. If I was thinking and working only on what was best for the children, and running it by friends who hold me accountable for the kids sake first and foremost, then I knew I was doing fine. In one moment of kindness I even just wrote him back simply saying, sounds like you miss the kids, I understand that. Wow, I can't even begin to explain how hard it was to write that letter. Today I received another one of those expected letters.

I've learned the lesson if I can't say something nice to not saying anything, he hasn't. It still hurts to be treated the way he treats me. As if any thing I do with and for the kids is in direct defiance of him. I don't think of him that way, honestly, I hardly think of him any more at all. I suppose the fact that while we agreed to a 30 - 70 split...me having the 70, the fact is I have the kids more like 85 percent of the time. He isn't around much, I kind of like it that way. Are the kids missing having a father? Yes they are, but he isn't really the kind of example I want for them. Those are hard words believe it or not to even type. The father of my children, would not be my first pick in any instance to be with my children. My children you ask? Ok, Ill give a little there.....Gods children.

So I am faced with another letter that I know the only way to handle is to not really respond at all. To let it slide off my back, when that is really the last thing on my mind I want to do. But since I can't say anything nice, I wont say anything at all.

I sometimes sit and wonder...."How is it a couple could have 4 children and find themselves so far from being able to discuss how to raise those same children almost 16 years later?" It saddens me. I want my children to have the best life possible. Conflict free, love filled and possibilities unlimited. My dream. Too high of a goal?

Do you ever feel like doing the right thing is the thing that is the most difficult to do.....?

Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Luke 6:29

Quotes that capture.... well they capture me!

I use to really enjoy digging up thought provoking quotes. Quotes that made me think. Lately I've started that again. There is almost a sense of peace capturing the simple thought of another and finding a peace knowing that they got the very same way you feel. Its almost as if you can capture the moment and not feel so alone.

Today I ran across this from Dante Alighieri.
"Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always."

Dante Alighieri isn't your typical reading. The Devine Comedy and Inferno isn't coffee table reading, pick it up off the book shelf this looks interesting reading. Its the kind of reading I recall honestly hating in school. But today, doing a search I came across his quotes.....wow.

It makes me almost want to consider going back to school to study this in Literature again.

Further study found this ..... I know, hopeless romantic that I am.

Remember tonight For it is the beginning of always. A promise Like a reward for persisting life so long alone. A decision To ignore or simply arise above the pain of the past. The covenant, Which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, Of the chance taken and the challenges that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, Braced against the tempest of the world. And love Will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is a mere formality Only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made long ago In the sacred spaces of our hearts...

Words simply cannot describe how tired I feel!

Todays schedule:

Alarm goes off 6:30 am.... Noticing I am the only one up, means I have to actually crawl out of bed immediately (instead of lay there and think about moving) and get the kids going. Today is a school morning!

Heat soup for the girls, pack lunches, so on and so forth.....out the door by 7:25 am

7:45 am Drop off all 4 kids at the younger two's school. High schoolers are carpooled (thankfully over to the High School) I head to work.

8:00 am I finally GET to the Freeway

8:12 am I arrive at work

Things are positively insane at work with Halo 3 being release next week. New systems are going out, orders are out of control, I am no longer just data entry...somehow I became the Assistant Buyer (How in the world did that happen?)

11:30 am I learn of another conference meeting

12:00 noon Conference meeting

2:00 pm (walk out of the conference, shut down my computer and head out)

2:20 pm Pick up Juice It up for me and the girls ( I haven't had lunch or breakfast for that matter)

2:35 pm Pick up Jessica from school, Em called wants to go a friends sisters Volleyball game, Im too tired to think the logistics through and cave.

3:00 pm Drive into driveway

3:15 pm Leave home and head to the High School to pick up a SUV load of High Schoolers

3:41 pm Arrive at the High School (talking on a cell phone to a girl friend I have'nt talked with in a long time....need to make use of the wasted time I spend on a freeway, granted CA made it illegal to talk on cell phones, rebel that I am)

3:50 pm Drive to drop off spot with load of kids

4:20 pm Drive into driveway I'm home...

4:30 Call Insurance company, deal with an issue with the Jeep
4:40 Call High School and deal with a refund they owe me
4:45 Sign my son up for Drivers ed ..........cough cough cough...........DRIVERS ED!!!!!!!!!!!

5:30pm Log back into work ( I didn't get two orders in I needed to because of the conference)

5:40 pm Dennis calls for a short reprieve.....I love that man!

6:00 pm back to work

oh no, whats for dinner, yell at Jess for eating a snack at 6:20, guilt fogs my mind, why don't I have dinner figured out yet????

6:36 pm Em arrives home, I decide its snacky dinner night, popcorn chicken, potato skins and whatever else looks good goes into oven

7:15 pm dinner

7:45 pm sneak back in to figure out PSP orders I need to do tomorrow

8:10 pm shut down computer, tickle the girls for a bit,

8:30 pm pray with the kids, tuck the girls into bed, and then sit down to read my email.

9:04 pm, I finish writing this.....I need to lay down!

Bedtime for me you ask? Ill be lucky if its before Midnight!

Can you HEAR me now?

Can you HEAR me now....is what I have been feeling a lot lately in many of my relationships. Trying to pull out exactly what it is I'm feeling and share it with those I'm closest to.

Isn't that exactly what blogging is? Isn't it a way to reach out, a way to express what one thinks, feels, and sometimes even cry's over. I think I cry to much.

I've been thinking about today about my writing, or more importantly my lack there of. I committed to many.. many moons ago I was going to write a book. I've written here about my struggles in writing, I've written others about my struggles. I start to write and wonder, who the heck would care about what it is I have to say or think or even feel. But isn't that what I am doing even with just this simple few paragraphs and minutes of my time? Writing and jotting down those thoughts and feelings that seem to occupy the recesses of my brain.

What is it I'm trying to get across. I feel alone! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Yes I feel alone, silly huh. I'm surrounded by 4 children for all but 4 nights of most months. With two teenagers in the house now and two younger social critters, its usually more then just 4, but lets just leave it at 4. When I'm with Dennis its usually with his daughters and like last weekend we made a group of 9. I feel alone you ask?

I do, because he's in Arizona, my closest friends in Idaho and me well.... I get to face an empty bed each and every night. Yes I feel alone. A single parent with 4 kids, working my butt off (to bad not literally), and balancing a relationship I have been feeling like I'm falling apart. Fragile and alone. I don't fit into the old social circles, its so much work to try to fit into a new social circle and with a great deal of potential and hope that I could be moving soon.....I'm scared to get close to anyone else Ill have to say goodbye to.

I guess I just don't know what it is I want. I want to write, but I'm scared to write. I want to put this house up on the market, but I'm scared to do that. I want to be supermom, but I'm scared I won't be able to ever come close to that again, I want to get married again, but the silly part of it is I'm even a tad bit scared of that! What if I am really a horrible wife that my ex made me out to be....Lord can you HEAR me now? I'm fragile and I need you!

Monumental Moments

I've always been a person to pay attention to those special dates. Birthdays, anniversary's, events of significance. Until a few years ago, Birthdays and holidays were very very huge events in my home. These dates usually reflected growth, opportunity to celebrate, reflection but today we have a few that just leave the feeling of sadness and sometimes despair.

I figured it would be more appropriate to reflect about the significance of this month before the actual 'D Day'.

I've been a single parent now for over 5 years, but my marriage ended only 4 years ago. Only..... What kind of significance can you attach to the end of a marriage? Where is the opportunity to celebrate in the end of something God brought together and one person decided to walk away from?

Divorce, a word that was hard to utter just a few years ago. A word that only a few people would consider. A word that 'yesterday' most children had never heard of. Divorce, part of main stream families across the United States, a part of living, just like the birth of a child, just another event in the lives of many. We are the americanized family of the 21st century. Oh joy!

I still to this day can't stand to say that I am a divorced woman. Id much rather call myself a single parent and leave the why a big question mark. Call me old fashioned, call me stubborn, thick headed even, but I don't like the word. Divorce represents quitting in every possible way to me. It represents the ripping apart of family. Usually it is the after affect of the loss of trust, fidelity and after months of lies. It represents failure. No not as a person, but the complete idea of it. My children will never have the security I dreamed for them. The security I walked around with for years thinking I would never experience. My children have to struggle with missing a parent in their life each and every day. I can provide as much security and stability as possible but it still will never be what it was. What God intended for families.

Moments to reflect on usually bring about joy and happiness. With divorce, you find yourself in reflection over the things that will never be far to often. While I have grown tremendously in the years since my divorce, I still have so much to learn and accept. The anger is gone, the agony is gone, the pain for the most part is gone too. But there are left over emotions that can creep up and take me by surprise.

A couple of years ago I was thinking about this month and feeling rather low. I made a promise to myself to turn this date around, to make it monumental in a way that I could hold onto. This month represents to me now what for many New Years Eve is. Its the start of a new year, the start of larger steps forward. The beginning, no longer the end. Today I started thinking about what I 'hope' the new year will bring about. Today I started thinking and hoping foward again.

A Turning point

Driving back from Arizona this weekend it hit me full force how much work I still had ahead of me. With a broken toe, 7 hour drive, a full car to unpack, 4 children to get ready for school the next day, and two with school work still to do, I couldn't expect much out of them. They were as tired as I.

You could say I lucked out and didn't hit much traffic on the way home, or you could say it was simply an answer to my earnest prayers, but the drive went rather well. Im always an emotional wreck when I come home from a trip, I have questions that I want answered, confused and filled with just about every emotion under the rainbow, we made it home. The kids were great, since I can only hobble around with my left toe broken, they unloaded everything....but then it just sat there. A lot of it is still just sitting there.

Years ago this would have stressed me out. Years ago I would have wanted the suitcases stored away, the laundry all caught up, things put back where they belong, but then years ago I wasn't working a almost full time job now, plus homeschooling, and all the duties of being a single parent.

The turning point for me is this. Will it matter if the suitcases get put away today, tomorrow, or a few days from now? Will it matter if I don't get all the laundry caught up? Of course not! But it will matter if I end up biting my kids head off in the process. It will matter if I walk around grumpy on top of emotional. It will matter if I simply end up being no fun to be around! That was the recognition I faced. Ugg, maybe I am growing up.......! Sad state of affairs! :)