Do you ever?

Do you ever reflect back and wish you could relive a period of your life? As a divorce' you might think that I am referring to the time in which I decided to say yes to my ex husband. You would be wrong. I love my children way to much to ever wish an instant of their lives away. But I do think back.

I like to think back to the time of my childhood. I was raised in what I would call a 'normal' strict home. Mom and dad had rules. Break the rules....loose your privileges. During those middle school and early high school years...I lost a LOT of privileges. Looking back, Im glad mom and dad were who they were. Im glad they loved me in a way that they wanted the best life possible for me.

My mother and father just returned from visiting my grandparents in Iowa. It makes me sad to hear how much their health is failing. I am/was my grandmothers favorite :). Well, I was the first grandchild too...so I guess that goes without saying. No one was allowed to sit at grandma's organ, never mind touch it....except for me. I like those memories of my childhood. I like remembering being a child. I guess I want that for my children and grandchildren (way ahead in the future). Childhood should be just that....simple, innocent and fun!

Devistation often rebuilds into something Beautiful

I started writing this a year or so ago. Tonight on the flight home I sat near a woman who was coming out to help rebuild some of the homes that burned in the fires. It made me think about this piece...and being thankful.

The devastation beautifully rebuilt

A man sits down after lighting a campfire while out camping in the wilderness one evening. He is completely unaware of the wind shift that is about to take place along that hillside. While he sits there the soft sound of winds start to rustle in the trees behind him. He hears the winds but thinks nothing of it. He is there, living in the moment unaware of what is about to take place.

The wind picks up several mall pieces of ash off that small campfire lifts them up, up, up into the sky like firefly’s dancing in the air. One small piece of ash falls onto a patch of dried up brush sitting within the forest. The leaves begin to smolder and eventually the brush ignites into a roaring flame. That flame is caught up into the winds and within minutes the entire field is lit up and on fire. In the days ahead the grounds and surrounding acres of beautiful countryside are burned down to black ashes and soot. The remaining effects are blacked, scared and ugly terrain. Sadly looking over the hillside it would be difficult to ever imagine that hill being beautiful again.

Winter hits just one month later and in coolness of one minute inside of one day snowflakes begin to fall from the sky. Within an hour there is a white blanket covering that hillside. For months the blackened land is covered, masked even with beauty we could not have foreseen. Time in that place seems to go in slow motion. Days tick by, hour by hour, minute by minute even second by second some days.

Slowly as times moves forward the skies begin to warm and the snow begins to melt away. The scared remains of the land are once again harshly revealed. Nothing is moving, nothing living it would almost seem. The warmth of the sun to the dark scorched land is like loving arms wrapped around that hillside. The hillside begins to warm and find strength. Somewhere, somewhere from within that hill small stems of greenery begin to pop out from within that scared rocky ground. The protection of that ‘blanket’ provided during that time of needed rest, the moisture, and the warmth of the sun has given the land the ability to grow once again. As the months and years move forward something surprising is revealed. That hillside within that forest had been beautiful by definition, but today the newly re-grown forest has taken on a completely different look and yet not. There is a degree of familiarity but at the same time a sense of newness, freshness, strength that wasn’t there originally.

Be encouraged. I dare say most of us shall face events in our lives that will wipe out the ‘life’ we had planned and foresaw. The amazing part is when our eyes are opened and we begin to see the beauty we could not and would not have seen before then.

It can take you by surprise the day the realization hits that the past misery can be replaced with something much more beautiful then one could have ever imagined for oneself it can take you by surprise and bring you to your knees in a sense of amazed gratitude. I would never wish one anyone I have met or will meet ahead in life the things that I have gone through, the pain that I have felt. The pains that I have faced may even seem to pail when you meet people who have walked similar roads in their own lives. However, I will say to anyone I meet that God can use those instances that bring us to our knees to draw us closer to Him and often times through that we begin to see what can be ahead for us and sometimes even catch a glimpse of the life ahead we may lead.

Advice for the Single

Have you noticed that your married friends often have advice and opinions of how a single mother should live? I have. I have for the past 5 years (4 years officially) been a single parent. And for the past 5 years I have friends who are married (never divorced or widowed) who like to keep me accountable to how they believe I should live. Much of it is biblical, and I love them for the accountability they give me....but some of it. Arrrgh

A couple of weekends ago I was blessed to have both Dennis and Neek out. I had really wanted them to get to know each other since they are both the most important people outside of my kids. If I needed anyones blessing about a life with Dennis I needed Neek's. I got it :)

One night after Dennis had left Neek and I were up chatting about me and him. Girl Talk :)
She admitted to me that she still felt it would be best for a single mom to continue to raise her children without getting involved in a relationship and confusing things all the more. The Dr. Laura speech I have heard from others. "Mom should stay single and uninvolved until the kids are grown and out of the house" My response...."OK but folks where do you find that in the bible?" No one ever has a good answer for that one.

Its always the women who love to give the single moms advice. Don't get me wrong, I suppose I would have more issue if no one cared about me all together....but I need the advice to be biblical....where is it in the bible?

Neek and I went at it. She is the only friend I have that I can go head on with on some issues and it never affects our friendship. A true testimony of Iron sharpening Iron. She admitted that if she was in my shoes she might feel differently but she wants to protect the kids. How can I fault her for that?

For me its like this. God designed the family. Man and Woman he created. In that union we are blessed with children. The family is disrupted, ripped apart and off of what His design for family is when a man or woman walks out of his or her family or one of the two die. Its no longer 'healthy'. To try to say that a blended family is healthy is hard, because you are starting on rocky territory to start with. Open wounds, scar tissue and the sins of the past are often still part of the present. Nothing about this is healthy. All we can do is trust God.

If we believe that God brings a couple together, He already knows where the difficulty will lie. Which of the children will struggle the most, where we would have the biggest hardships. Does that mean it won't work? Absolutely not! Will it be hard? Yes! Will it be blessed? Absolutely if you follow God's will for your life. This is what I believe.

Bottom line is this no matter what if a family is broken there will be difficulty. Honestly all families will have difficulties...broken or not. Weather or not a mom raises her children alone or with a godly man in her life...there still will be struggles. I just know for myself...I wasn't made to be alone. My purpose in life has always been to serve in a marriage and have someone near me to help me go through life. When cars act up to be the strength I need to tell me it will be ok. If the house was to flood again, I know I could handle it....but I also know I would be stronger if I had a husband. As a parent I would be stronger, and as a person. Having had a husband I feel like only half a person anymore. But for now God has had me single to find it in myself that I can handle what life deals out. I was young when I first got married, not even 21 yet. The next and final time around I know I will see marriage differently....the things that use to bother me....will seem as insignificant as what the weather will be like tomorrow.

I think Neek saw things a little differently after we talked. After I shared with her what it is truly like making 100 percent of the decisions about my children day in and day out alone. It is always easier to have an opinion of something we don't live. I use to have a very different perspective of single parents then I do today. I hope to one day be able to minister more in this area.

Oh the Things we will learn...learning to say "sorry, I can't"

From day one of being a single parent saying the word "No" to my children upon a request has been difficult. I have had a passion in my heart for my children to have a "normal" life in spite of the cards that were dealt to us. I might only be one person, but I didn't want that to become an excuse. As I lay on the sofa a little bit ago completely fatigued and exhausted I said to my son upon his request to go to Bible Study tonight..."Hunny can I just say No tonight?" Guilt ridden I lay there feeling like a horrible parent. This was the second time "it" happened this week.

This week has been conference week for my younger children. The week in which all 6 weeks worth of work has to be turned in, grades submitted, and the various forms the state requires of the school. All three of the girls love to act and be in school or church drama groups. This is probably my own fault considering I involved each of them by the time they were 3. My thought was they would feel more comfortable later in life learning to stand up in front of a gathering of people. I think I proved myself right...they just love to perform. Actually, they love the performance the practice they could do without....but then who of us wouldn't feel the same way?

My daughter is in drama in High School and is getting ready to perform Little Women coming up next month....I am already exhausted from the additional driving that entails....and then the form came home with my younger two. " Seaussical, Jr".......oh man.. that is such a cute show and I absolutely LOVE Dr. Seuss!! The younger two have been begging and pleading and I finally got the guts to say, I can't, I just can't. But I have been feeling guilty...until today.

I was laying there thinking maybe just maybe I have been looking at this all wrong. What would I love to do right now or in the next week? Well, I'd love to learn to fly! I would love to fly off to the Bahama's next week, or even more practically to Australia to visit my sister who lives there now. But is this going to happen? Nope. Disappointments happen in life on a regular basis. We don't always get to do what we want to. Thats Ok. I know that, but why is it I believe I have to give my children everything?

I'm sure if I was sitting in a doc's office they would offer me some benefit of understanding what it is I am trying to do. I am sure there is some deep rooted physiological reason for me wanting to protect my kids and give them everything. Maybe it is as simple as I love my kids and want the world for them. But that isn't what our lives will have. It's time I start looking at it from a different angle and allowing the fact that I am a single parent to come in to play, instead of killing myself in the process of doing it all.

Choices

"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it."

Last night during dinner we had one of 'those' conversations. One of those conversations that leave you praying that God gave you the right words to speak and convict in your children's hearts.

The kids and I are sitting down for dinner (the spectacular spaghetti meal that I had spent hours preparing....ha ha) While eating, one of the kids ask..."Is Chandler our step brother or half brother, since dad adopted him?" Gulping my food down my throat I prepared to answer the question, one that many parents face today after divorce. I explained in terms the best way I could that he was still their step brother...... of course this leads to Ashley piping up..."yeah but Amanda and Chandler (both of their step mothers children) are half brother and sisters too." Thanks Ash! That causes more questions, and where I had to hold my tongue back when I explained that their step mother had made some back choices when she was younger and pretended she was married and had Amanda. Two different fathers, for two different children all before the age of 30. Andrew pipes up, thats because Amy (the kids step mother) her parents were divorced too. This is when the conversation really began.

I thank the Lord for last weeks sermon up in Arizona. The pastor there did a sermon on if our path was already set by our parents or not.

Bottom line is it comes down to choices. We can follow in the path set by our parents, grand parents and even that of our great grand parents...or we can choose...a better path. I did my best to bring this up and chose a different way to explain it to my kids. First I asked them this..."So since your mother and father are divorced, does that give you the right to seek divorce one day in your marriages ? " A resounding "NO!", good I'm doing something right with these kids! Then I brought it around to a different way of looking at it. "Let's say you are living in a non-believing family, like many are, does that mean you can't ever come to know the Lord?" Of course the kids knew the answer to that one too....."NO!". So do we ever have an excuse to live our lives a certain way because our parents or grand parents did? Absolutely NOT!"

The conversation at that point turned once more, I wanted to take this opportunity to drill more into my children's hearts why Divorce is so WRONG. They know the biggest reason why, they know it goes against God's will. Is that reason enough? I want them to know inside of their hearts to look for someone who is passionate about not allowing their own hearts to ever go in that direction. I don't want quitters in the lives of my children. This is something I am passionate about. So we talked about the scars.

Lee wrote this up in his blog not to long ago..."I don't want to endure the pain that comes with scarring just so I can remember past events, but I'm also not afraid of getting them because they are evidence of a life that has been lived. "

I really like what he said, it has been something I have really put a lot of thought to. Yes, I have scars in my life I will live with the rest of my life. I will be more cautious to trust, I will be easily convinced I'll be cheated on, I will easily think the worst of myself. Scar tissue. But without the scars in my life, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. We all have opportunity to make choices each and every day. I want my children to look back at our time together and say, wow mom had it rough, but wow she really did the best she could. She set the right example for us, even in the midst of having 'life' dumped upon her. Mom, she lived her life. Isn't that the most we can hope for?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

Doomed .......to think the best in people

I have a small problem. I think people are generally better then they really are. I want to think that people around me especially would treat me the way I would treat them. This generally leaves me hurting. I did it again, I started to believe or even hope the best of 'him' was showing through.

My mother warned me, so did Neek. Dennis pointed out I was just being to nice. Yes, he is at it again.

Thanksgiving is around the corner....can you believe it??? It was just Christmas yesterday I believe. Holidays are difficult, this holiday is really difficult for me.

Five years ago this week I found out my husband was having an affair. Bill had just left to go get the card detailed and cleaned up for an important meeting that week and he had left his cell phone behind. I saw the phone and thought to myself...pick it up! Find out what horrible thing is going on in the business that he is keeping from you. You know something is wrong...find out so you can help....or even just pray more specifically. What I found out wasn't what I could have imagined being on the the other end. . . . A woman crying and saying how much she loves and misses him. I think my heart cracked in to 10000 pieces that day. This just isn't what is suppose to happen in a marriage. This is what happened to mine.

Thanksgiving that year we went to my parents like usual. It was awkward, horribly awkward. I didn't want to tell my parent what was going on. I wanted them to think the best of him, even with all he had done. I wanted to protect him. Stupid girl!

Even after all that time, I still hope for the best in him. I start seeing the 'humane' side of him showing up and I start to hope things will get easier. Why does a man who walks away from his family not understand that it wasn't my divorce darn it! He got his divorce! I never asked for it, never agreed to it, and while yes I was there, I didn't participate. But he got it all the same. And so I accepted it after some time.

This Thanksgiving he wants to have the kids after not being around for this holiday in the past few years. We agreed that I would have the kids every Christmas...(I wouldn't budge on that one) and he could have them Thanksgiving...but I got them the day after and through the weekend. That first year, he took the kids I cried all Thanksgiving...and I sat home alone. It was the worst holiday of my life. Even worse then the one I spent with my family...because at least it was family that year.

Each time my children leave me to spend time with their father it rips me in half. I didn't ask for this life, I didn't want this life. I know I am blessed in ways I hardly begin to realize. I know it could be so much more difficult....but all the same, this wasn't MY CHOICE. But I guess sometimes in life, we just don't get a choice. Sometimes in life we just have to learn to accept the hand that we have been dealt.