Vacation Starts Today!

1 Woman, the road and 4 children............today starts a brand new adventure. I leave with anticipation, excited hearts and hope for whats ahead :)

My Daddy

I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. It shouldn't be all that surprising, my dad or daddy has always been a hero in my mind. Very recently my dad suffered a small stroke. I haven't been processing that very well. I suppose I'm too much like my dad in some ways and hold things in and can't process it all right away.

The other night I was thinking about the attributes of a good dad. I sumed it up in three ways. I decided the best way to look at it is to ask yourself: Is your dad your father, your dad or your daddy? Now I realize for a man to call his dad daddy, it isn't quite the same. But for a girl it never changes. My dad is a daddy. I know just a few men in my life that can hold the title of daddy. Im sure its no surprise to anyone who knows me that I wouldn't bestow that title on the father of my children. A daddy.....is all that the word feels. Someone you can feel like you can jump into the lap of and share your hurts, dreams and wishes with. Now granted at almost 38, I am a bit big to jump into my dad's lap, and in fact I think I would probably scare the heck out of him if I did. But my dad is always willing to listen. A daddy would do anything for his children. A daddy would catch the moon for them even. A daddy is a hard find, one you shouldn't ever take for granted!

Some abstract things about my dad (daddy)

• My dad built his own airplane when I was 5 years old
• He built his first engine around the age of 5
• He built his own jeep from junk yard finds when I was about 10
• My dad can repair just about anything that breaks
• My dad (and a friend) almost created a new line of VW conversion bugs when I was around 12 called the LaRon a bug
• When my parents found out I had been smoking (cloves) My dad sat at the kitchen table and tried it out to see what my interest was in it........I never smoked after that
• My dad had a short temper as a child.......he has patience to spare now
• My dad has been woken up by his eldest daughter (me) at 2 am in the morning and drove 40 minutes because my water main broke and I couldn't turn the main off.
• My dad has spent hours helping me fix my home in so many ways its impossible to list
• My dad would frustrate me to no end when I was a teenager and had to ask him to help me with Algebra (he would make me do more probablems just to learn it)
• My dad use to be an Engineer
• My dad is retired (but he works more now then when he had to "go to work"helping me, my sister and my grandmother)
• My dad has always shown how much he loves my mother no matter who was around
• My dad dated my mom's twin before he dated her
• My dads heart broke when my ex walked out on us, my dad lost a best friend too
  
• My dad makes a wonderful grandpa and an awesome daddy!
  

Romance of Rain instead of Fear

Its raining!

This morning I was suppose to go in and work at the church. However, after I got there I found that Dan had to rush to the doctors and wouldn't be in, I hope its nothing serious, but it did give me the morning back. As I got back into my car it started to rain. Now being that Im in Southern California this is a BIG deal in late June. I like summer rain showers. Its funny to even hear myself admit that. With having had so much tragedy associated to rain in the past few years its hard to believe that I can actually enjoy myself in the rain.

As I was driving out towards the coast to get a couple of errands done lightning started to fill the sky and thunder shake the ground. Usually, or should I say up until now those kind of sounds have left my heart very uneasy. It still does my younger girls. I immediately got a call on my cell from the girls wanting to make sure I was aware that it was thundering outside. I smiled at their fears knowing how REAL they were and are. Fear can grab hold of our hearts and stop us from experiencing life. I quickly assured them that I would be home shortly and that I was just going to run a quick errand. They relaxed as soon as I walked in the door. But I couldn't wait to get back outside. I did shoot a couple of pictures of the clouds. To me they looked as if God was inhaling and getting ready to blow or sneeze at the earth. Funny how our imaginations get get ahold of us. I think thats what fear is. Letting our imaginations just run wild. This made me start thinking.

Lately, I have relaxed a lot with all that is entailed in being in a relationship. It is so easy to allow my imagination to start to run wild with thoughts about what ifs and whys that fear takes ahold of me. I think that the scars of my past have taken foothold too many times in my crazy mind, but lately trusting in Him seems easier. Relaxing and allowing God to work in my life and shape my life is so much easier when Im not trying to take hold of that steering wheel. I'll be the first to admit though I probably try to take it back a dozen times each day. But thats a huge improvement over the 2 or 3 dozen times I use to be at. Baby steps. It also gets easier to stop fighting (mind games and questions) and just enjoy what is before me today. The blessings we have today can be forgotten of wanting something and or the fear of tomorrow. I have before me 4 beautiful blessings (my children---of who are fighting right now with each other but we will just forget that little tidbit ), I have a roof over my head, a mortgage payment I can make, a vehicle to get me to and from places, a vacation that starts in just 3 days. While I am scared in some ways of what this vacation ahead means.....my children meeting Dennis, his children meeting me and the kids meeting each other...... God will use this time to answer many of those fears and questions and rest my heart....that much Im certain. So I can grab hold of today and enjoy the antisipation of tomorrow, or I can try to take that steering wheel back and do it my way. This much I've learned. My way, well that runs me straight into a brick wall.....I don't want to re-experience that once again.

So my advice to all who may stumble here: Enjoy the day as it is, take time to open the windows and breathe the air that God has made for each one of us. (I realize on a raining day its much more enjoyable then in 100 degree weather) Look around you and find one thing worthy of being noticed and dance in the rain. The kids may think you are crazy, but what a boring life we would have without a bit of craziness to keep it interesting!


Quote of the month/year/my lifetime! :

"If you want to know real joy in life, then be willing to let pain tutor your soul." Paula Rinehart Strong Women, Soft Hearts

Do You Ever Wonder?

Why the moon is out sometimes at noon?
Why the day is always to long when you want it to go quick and too short when you want it to last forever?
Why kids can surprise you when you least expect it?
Your prayers never go unanswered? (just not always they way you want them to)
Why people can't be nicer to each other?
Why people can act cowardly?
Why the act of being loving can be difficult for some?
Why headaches hurt so much?
Why its easier to allow yourself to slip away and not face the world when you are in pain?
Why moving can be difficult?
Why change can scare you?
Why finding the perfect job is difficult?
Why waiting on God to answer a prayer is harder then anything........granted I know Im impatient! ?
Why men seem to have more patience then woman?
Why women seem to know things before they are spoken?
If what God wants for us to be is loving why do we fight it so hard?
Why the waves crash over and over?
Why.......................
Do you ever wonder?

Conviction or Decision?

Yesterday I spent a great part of the day looking over my finances. How depressing! Ive taken on way to much debt in the past couple of years with the impression that "I deserved" things. It shames me when I think about how selfish my vantage point has been in looking at things that way. I know very well how I got to that point, with my self image where it was and self esteem flattened from what my ex put me through, but none the less......I have taken on too much and put off paying way to much for too long. (And to think I have honestly been trying to come up with a way to buy a boat or a seadoo!) I hate what seeing things for what they are do to my heart. Dennis has been good at not letting me sit in that self pity pool for too long and giving me a swift kick in the butt. I know none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, but this one really does shame me.

Yesterday I took a much closer look at my financial picture. After quite a bit of thinking and praying about this the past few weeks I've come to a decision or is it a conviction....Im not quite sure. Its time for me to get a job! Yes one that actually brings in a pay check! Oh heck, you have no idea how scary of an idea that is when I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years now. So I suppose its a decision I have made and now the conviction aspect is that I need to find just the right one. Something I can do hopefully at home even would be ideal. How cool would that be to homeschool the kids when they are home and not at school and be working and earning money all at the same time? So where do I start?

I did start off by writing friends who own businesses and letting them know that Im looking. Its hard place to put them. I don't want them feeling the need to provide for me, but I want them to know all the same Im looking. I look at things this way. God has moved my heart in this direction I think. I can't sit back and wait for him to drop an opportunity in my lap.... the actuality of that occuring is very unlikely. OrI can start opening my mouth and taking to people and moving in the direction I feel He is leading me. If this is the direction God has intended for me then the doors somewhere will open, if not Ill have them slammed in my face. It isn't easy to realize that I could be facing rejection over and over again, but thats where my determination sets in. Im excited about seeing God working in my life and to see what will happen ahead!

Trusting with the Heart

In moments of quiet reflection I will sometimes pull out my old study bible. Its like living memories and tears all over again when I skim through it. Sermons and quiet moments of reflection and prayers answered or pleaded for are marked along the side of this bible. When specific verses stood out or meant something or broke through to my heart Ive written the date next to the specific scripture. On the night that I stumbled across some words about divorce and sat on the phone talking to a friend who helped me learn how to break the words down and do a word study ...all these notes written in this bible. This Bible I will never part with. It represents a 'security' blanket to me in ways that some might not understand and others would.

The other day I was in a rather emotional mood and sat down and started thumbing through it. Rereading those highlights, reliving those moments and found this highlighted. Its one of those Psalms that have stuck with me through these past few years and I have leaned on it a lot.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will no be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Psalm 56, 3-4

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Trust for some can be a five letter four letter word. Trust requires allowing someone into your heart. It is allowing yourself to believe, hope, and dream with someone. Trust means putting your faith and hope in someone outside of yourself. Giving up the control to control what happens in your life. The question is, can a heart be broken too many times and not able to completely trust again? How do we prevent the heart from hardening?

I've been thinking about this for some time now. I know in the past I have 'trusted' too easily. Trusted and believed in people who may or may not have earned the right to be trusted in my life. I see the good in people. I believe in the good in people. My 'faith' in people has been shattered more times then not.

Finding myself in such a place to have to allow myself to 'trust' again is difficult. Believing in the good is harder when the bad and even terrible has happened to you. The scars of the past are hard to 'make-over'. Even with 'cosmetic' surgery and decisive picky selection of whom to 'trust', it is harder as the wounds of the past have left their scars.

I'm fortunate to have found a man who has patience and faced some of the same scars I have in the past. But I still struggle. Will he change his mind, such a silly thought when one thinks about it. Will I get a letter, see him become indifferent, stop loving me, walk away? We should take note to realize how important the heart of a person is and treasure it as a precious gem. One that can't be replaced. I don't understand how someone can stop loving another. It makes no sense to me what-so-ever. When I love its not a temporary passion, its a passion of my heart. When its removed, a part of me is 'thrown' away. Scars of the past. Those scars heal, but leave their marks.

I suppose though to not love would be even harder then to love. To not trust would be even more impossible then to trust. To not trust or love would be to not live. And what kind of life would that be? A rather lonely and empty one I think.

Determination of a spider!

Yesterday I struggled most of the day with one of those horrible headaches that leave me wondering why in the world I don't talk to my doctor about getting some kind of medication to deal with them. Towards the end of the day I was laying in bed looking up and noticed this spider running across my ceiling. I sat and debated in my head should I or shouldn't I get up to get that darn thing. Ultimately I called out to my son and begged him to bring up the vaccum cleaner so I could 'suck' the life out of him :). I got up not completely human yet, still struggling with the headache, and vacuumed him up........so I thought.

Later that evening Dennis and I were chatting for a rather lengthy phone call. He had asked me about a few 'what ifs' and what were my dreams for the future and even us. Not a simple converation mind you, a very sweet and rather complicated one in fact. Then in the midst of a comment I was making I feel this thing drop down on me and move.............the SPIDER! Yep, apparently I had not 'sucked' his life but rather gave him more reason to torment and spook me I suppose. After screaming in his (Dennis not the spider) ear and dropping the phone I got composure and started looking for the darn thing. It was no where to be found......grrrrrrrrrrrr. Dennis laughed at me and we finally got back into our conversation and then low and behold on the wall, that stinkin spider was crawling up it. I had to get it, everything in me wanted that spider DEAD! And so I thought I had killed it, until this morning.........as I woke up and looked up, what should my wandering eyes would appear but yes that eight legged spider smiling and tormenting me! As I write this the spider is currently still racing around on the ceiling. At first I didn't want to wake the house with the vaccum and now each time I want to get him he is in a more difficult spot to get. I don't want to risk NOT getting him this time, I want that spider dead........his minutes are NUMBERED!

I suppose in many respects my personality is much like this illustration. I have determination and then some about most things in life. Strong willed some may call it. I prefer to look at it as passion and spunk :). Obsticles in life, trials and problems are just that to me. Things to get over, around or under. I am facing many of those right now, (then again who isn't) but with the spunk and determination of that 8 legged spider crawling around on my ceiling. Without obsticles in life I think life would be rather dull. Without trials our character would be, well rather stale. And without problems it would probably mean we had stuck our head into the ground and refused to live. Thats not me.

The simple trials and problems I face today or each day seem trivial in many respects. I think the Lord helps us realize the strength we have from Him as he walks us through the frustrations of life.

Oh criminy, where did that spider go to now!

"One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity."
-- Albert Schweitzer

"The courage to face the trials and to bring a whole new body of possibilities into the field of interpreted experience for other people to experience – that is the hero’s deed."
-- Joseph Campbell, The Power of Myth

No Rules........Just Drive!

No Rules .............Just Drive (humor from a wore out traveler)


Being that I have spent my entire life in California I am quite aware that this time of year we have a surge of tourists that increase the ever populated streets and highways of California. Our state survives on those who travel to visit the vast areas of tourist trap locations. Today, I was rather surprised however, to see such a huge surgence from a state where many Californian's have moved to get out of California and if ever speak to them they have nothing but negative comments to say about Californians. Today on my drive home it seemed to me that half the state of Washington must have been driving into or around California.

In order to survive driving in California anyone knows or should know that you must drive 99.9 percent of the time offensively. Im not really sure when you would drive defensively but Im sure some time in your lifetime of living in California you might have that rare opportunity to actually relax behind the wheel.....so I throw that .1 percent in just to cover that 1 lifetime experience. Washintonians stand out like a sore thumb on the highway. Californians don't have rules. We don't abide by the rules of the road; there simply is only one rule of driving here. Get out of my way! That's it. Plain and simple. Now I'm sure to those who have ventured into our state and find that at times we have 16 lane freeways it may be a little overwhelming. Especially to those from states like Washinton who have signs posted everywhere to stay in the right lane unless you are going to pass. Those poor Washintonian souls on the California highways simply just don't know what to make of all the lanes and where to drive. My advice to those silly tourists...........GET OUT OF THE WAY!

See in California our lives are so busy we don't have time to think much about rules and such, we just DRIVE. We have a place to be at, most likely we are running behind because of an earlier scheduled event that went past time due to TRAFFIC and now we are late. Freeways are obsticle courses. That means yes, we may cross over 3 lanes of traffic without notice to get off the freeway. We may zoom in and out of traffic and even pass in the right slow lane, and honestly we would get upset if you move into that lane because you are the slower moving traffic. And keep in mind....Californian's are notoriously good at creating new lanes on the freeway. Best advice I can give, don't think just drive, no Rules......... just drive, and for heavens sake do NOT drive the speed limit! While that sign may say 65 mph in the city zones, anything less then 80mph is where you might see or hear some kind of foul comment out of a Californian who simply does not have the time to figure out or even look to see you are from out of state. Does that include you Jenice, you might ask? No no no, see thats why I have a fun car, to ignore the silly people on the road. All I need to do to relax in the midst of the stupidity of the California highway is drop the top and Im happy (and in California there is a high likelihood that even while on the freeway you can drop your top...since traffic will slow you down to 10mph at times) :)....now if I can get those fools to stop chasing me down the highways Id be even happier! And one last piece of advice, if you have to drive on the California highways Ill say this: be sure to play Nichole Nordeman's Brave CD as loud as possible. Dance in your car while you drive and for heavens sake take time to enjoy the beauty that is around you!

Roadtrip

Tomorrow I head out on another road trip. This one won't have the sweet connection that the last few have had for me, but all the same its a road trip. This weekend my 'Casanova' (good movie by the way :) )of a cousin is getting married. None of us would have thought it would have ever happened. He's had more girlfriends then I have fingers and toes. Good looking guy Ill give him that, but man has he been picky. I suppose in looking over my life its probably a good thing, maybe his odds are better getting married in his early 30s instead of early 20's. I do wish him the best though, and well that new bride of his better love this guy who is trying to give her the world.

Family reunion of a type I suppose Im getting myself into. I keep getting emails from my family about so and so who will be there that he or she is divorced and has so many kids. Family you just have to love them! But a wedding, a wedding. I haven't been to a wedding in a long time. I'm not sure how it will feel. I love weddings, I love what a wedding represents. The two souls becoming one before God. The dream.

The trip to San Jose should be fun. I wish I had someone coming with me, but being that its fathers day weekend, my kids, Dennis and his kids and well most of the human race will be rather occupied...why they chose this weekend for the weekend I dont know...but a trip up the coast should be fun and I hope to get a lot of pictures taken. Plus this will just get me much closer to the end of the month when I get to spend almost 2 weeks near Dennis....I can't wait! :)

Cars

This movie was just too cute. Disney/Pixars Cars made me laugh, cry and smile throughout the entire flick. Its hard to imagine that such a cute movie having a romantic theme mixed into it. This did.

The movie takes place along Route 66 which now has 'romantic' elements to me but all the same it is worth every penny to see this movie. I will say this in addition to being a cute romantic flick it also reawakened my desire to race a sports car. What I would do to sit behind a race car wheel and feel the speed!

Gazing Upward not Inward

It shouldn't be surprising to think that when one's life falls apart around you that one would find themselves feeling self pity. Almost 4 years ago my life changed overnight it almost seemed. The 'perfect' life I was leading, the 'perfect' example of a family was ripped right out from under my feet. Four years ago this month my ex husband began an affair with his now wife and changed mine and the kids life forever. That was what or how I viewed things until more recently. Until more recently I looked at the things that had been taking place in my life was happening to me not around me or including me. My gaze was inward.

It shouldn't surprise anyone the grief that is felt when you watch a marriage of almost 14 years fall apart around you. It should come as no surprise that the pain one feels watching your children watch their father walk out of the house for the last time. I would not wish that kind of pain even on my worst of enemies, if I had any. But pity can take hold of your heart and give way to a constant gaze inward.

God uses these events I think in our lives to shake us up, to make us turn towards him. I did, each time he shook me up, just not for very long. Im not one to learn things quickly, I suppose. My parents would wholehardly agree to that from my earliest childhood memories I remember always hearing, Jenice will you always learn things the hard way? I have.

After my marriage broke up I watched a very close friend die of breast cancer. A few months later the first of 3 floods occured in my home within a 2 year period. No one should face 1 flood let alone 3. After the first flood our family dog Sadie, collie, jumped to get out of her pen. The pen was made out of a picket fence, she was found the next morning by the kids who will never forget that trauma. Each of these events made me stop and turn towards God and move my gaze upward towards him, but then life would start to fall back into place and me I'd start to look inward again. Self pity, self desire, wants.....me....inward gaze.

Picture a 3 year old little child playing with a remote control car. What does a child at this age do with a remote controlled car? They love to drive it.....into the wall! That's been me until more recently. Recklessly driving my life into a wall. This became abundantly apparent when at the end of last year I found myself in a relationship with a non believer. I had justfication in my mind for everything I had been doing up until that point, it shouldn't shock me or anyone who stumbles across this that I found myself looking for love, just in all the wrong places. I needed to be loved. I was steering myself straight into a brick wall.

That relationship came to a screeching hault at the end of last year and as much as I tried to fight and make that relationship work out, it didn't. It wasn't what God had in mind for me. I see that with wide open eyes today. You couldn't have convinced me of that then. My gaze was inward, not upward.

In February of this year God got my attention, and this time I payed attention. On our trip up and down from Idaho we had had perfect weather until that stretch home from Couer d'Alene. That morning it started to snow. Me being the California girl born and raised that I am, has absolutely no idea what it means when the streets are swirling. The freeway was freezing up. Cars started spinning out of control left and right around me. I had this brilliant idea to follow a semi truck in front of me. Pretty good idea in theory. In practice, it didn't work, I have because of being a California raised female, no idea about anti lock brakes. They kicked in when I tried to slow down when the truck ahead of me was. I had no option but to pull into the passing lane that was very evidently slick and freezing to avoid colliding into the semi truck. As soon as I pulled over into the lane, God took hold of my life....literally.

As I pulled over to avoid colliding with the truck immediately the truck started to spin out of control. The girls in the back started to scream, they thought we were going to die. My coffee flew all over my lap and I sat there thinking ....this is it as I watched the semi trucks fly by me. A few minutes later or seconds even, when I finally realized the truck had stopped moving I realized that I was facing on coming traffic, but safely on an onramp island off the side of the road. The truck had made it across two lanes of traffic and landed safely out of touch. Accidental happening? Convienient? Ha, to think it was anything but God, you would be kidding yourself. God took that steering wheel, my life and put it back on track. I've stopped kicking and screaming and fighting Him. Im listening now. My gaze is upward looking for His direction, not mine any longer. Is it easy? Not at all. It means no longer 'planning' for the things I want. Making decisions based on what I want or see happening. It means listening and waiting. For anyone who knows me, waiting, you must be crazy! Im not the patient sort. The thing is, with my gaze upward instead of inward, its not so hard.

First Day of 'Work' Jitters

Today was my first day of going back to 'work'. I say the word 'work' loosely because I am having more fun then working with it. I also will NOT be earning a pay check. But none the less today was my first day at going into an office after 13 years of being a stay at home mother and sitting at a desk and 'working'.

Dan at North CoastChurch has taken me on as his "Graphic Arts Intern". I get to assist him in designing bulletin inserts and other stuff that becomes overwhelming to someone like himself who serves the entire church and all their ministries as the Graphic Arts director. Today for instance I worked on a insert for this weekends bulletin plus redesigned a DVD cover for one of the sermon series that Larry has done.

It feels funny learning again, being challenged again, but Im so excited. I have more software programs I need to take classes on, and more things I want to become more productive at, but for now its just fun to be a help 1 to 2 days a week. :)