New Beginnings

I feel a bit like a school girl tonight. Brand new school year ahead of me and tonight is the last day of summer vacation. Its not quite the same, but its close. Tomorrow is my first day back at 'work'. Im careful when I say that because being a single mother of four children my job is full time non stop 24/7. I accepted a very flexible position with a friends business. Working again, part time, not earning much, but earning a pay check all the same. Part of me wants to dream up ways to use that first check and blow it shamelessly, but the other part of me, the responsible part says pay off that sewer line credit card bill as soon as possible. Its really no fun growing up! :)

New beginning jitters, Im so excited! Im purposely trying to face life differently. No longer will I allow those fears of 'what ifs' to take hold of my heart and stop me in my tracks from trying to move forward. Me, Jenice, I am taking another step forward at regaining my life. I am very excited to see how this will work out!

What is it I want to do?

What do I want to do? This has been the question posed to me quite a few times as of lately. My son will be turning 15 in a month. This means that almost 15 years ago I left the 'workforce' and made being a mother a full time job. I did dabble on and off and worked on short term projects, helped in our business and then as the years went on found myself overseeing ministries but I didn't recieve a 'pay check', just the fulfillment of knowing I was being used by God in the way I knew He wanted me to serve. One of my biggest struggles since the divorce is not having confidence in myself to jump in where I feel the Lord is tugging me.

After the encounter at the airport a couple of weeks ago the lady I met actually offered me a job. That was a first for me, and probably would have taken anyone by surprise, meeting someone in an airport and then an hour later being offered a job. While I was entrigued and blessed by the offer I did turn her down. Then this week I recieved yet another job offer. Luke called me up late last week and told me about a couple of postions opening up in his business and he recalled me saying that I was considering 're-entering' the workforce. The idea alone of 're-entering' the workforce is a lot for me to swallow. After talking with the owner of the business quite a bit I think I have yet again turned down another job offer, knowing I am just not really ready to 'bite' off more then I can chew right now. There is so many complications to my life right now I really just don't know what to do. I finally have a 'personal' relationship that I can count on. I don't want to mess that up. I have four children who rely on me--I can't screw that up. But what is it I want to do? There are times I can feel like a small child in the middle of a candy shop with so many choices before her and really completely unable to know what to do. I have to dedicate time to writing this book, I dont want to sacrifice that. I don't want to force my ex to take me back to court over issues pertaining to money if I start to bring home a pay check, but at the same time I feel that receiving money from my ex keeps me feeling like a kept woman and under his control. I don't like the way that feels. But where does that leave me?

I know I should get a swift kick in the butt and be reminded of the blessings I have and to stop struggling with what what I don't have. Am I asking to much to want that feeling again in my life that I am where I need to be and serving in the way I am suppose to be serving? Is that a selfish desire or one put there by the Holy Spirit?

On my knees.....on my knees.

The Love of the Potters hands

I've been struggling with several trials in my life as of recently. I realize I'm not alone in this many of us at any given time are struggling with a variety of issues before us. This has caused me to stop and reflect on another of the lessons we use to use in the illustrations with parents and training of their children. We would often use the concept of our childrens hearts being like that of a ball of clay. As a young child their hearts are soft, permiable, even plyable, moldable and soft. Hearts easily conformed and worked with. As the child grew older the heart took on shape and began to harden, making our job as a parent all the more difficult to train and discipline. This was the purpose for training our children while they are young.

I started thinking more and more about this principal today. I started to see how this apply's with that of each of us. The trials we all face, some more difficult then others, are just that, trials. Opportunities for each of us to grow and face 'changes' in our lives. Trials serve as motivation for change, motivation to grow and learn. Our lives moldable and workable in the potters hands. If not for the love of our Father we would be left on the shelf hardened in the shape we are at, unchangable, unable to grow. But with the constancy of 'trials' we feel God's love for us in a tangable way. The question is, do we choose to look at trials in a way of 'potential' and love or do we choose to look at it simply as discipline?

"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand."

Unsuspecting Encouragement in an Airport!

I've spent some time in the past talking and writing about how I feel or more appropriately how it makes me feel to know that I have put a smile on someones face. When someone reads the silly license plate holder on my car and I see them pointing to it and laughing, or for random simple acts of kindness. I love what that does for my heart seeing what it does for someone else. Recently the table was turned and I had the same sort of thing reversed on me.

Sitting in the airport is NOT a high thing on my list of things I like to do :). Then again, I don't know very many people who do enjoy sitting in an airport. Usually I like the hundreds out there, plug into a MP3 player and disappear into the masses. My last trip to Arizona, however, I found myself being more of myself.

I arrived at the Southwest Gate a bit earlier that day. I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of traffic down to the airport that afternoon. I found myself sitting against the wall in line next to a woman a bit older then myself. She had forgotten to bring her cell phone charger and was trapped in line with absolutely nothing to do. Her personality (I usually call it the realtor type A personality) was one who could make conversation anywhere about anything. Instead of plugging in and disappearing, I found myself asking her after a few minutes of pleasant no important small talk what it was that was bringing her to Arizona. She went ahead and began sharing her life with me. She described her job in detail and it facinated me. At one point I offered my phone to her so she could call into the office, I still find it interesting when people are amazed at small acts of kindness. Later while in line we were informed that the flight was going to be about 20 minutes delayed. She asked if she could pay me to use my cell phone and I shook my head and handed it over to her. Unable to remember her husbands cell number (isnt that the way of life today, we are so plugged in we don't know each others phone numbers!) I quickly said, well it looks like we have the same cell's why don't you just use my battery and make the calls you need. She sat there commenting that it would take a woman to come up with a quick fix like that and thanked me again. While in line she shared with me what the divorce earlier in her life did to her, she shared with me how long it took for her to be willing to marry her husband of today. She shared with me the struggle of finding 'herself' again and trusting God to make her life work out. I couldn't believe what an encouragement she was to me. When we can trust ourselves again to walk forward we can trust that even if we make a mistake we can go forward.

I want to be that sort of encouragement to someone or people again in my life. Not in a prideful way, but in a servants heart sort of way. For years I served mothers who simply were scared to be the mother God called them to be. I encouraged them in meetings, workshops, phone calls and more. Today I want to offer encouragement to those who want to take that step forward in life. Today I want to encourage people around me to "Dare to Dream". Today, I want to encourage myself to dare to take that next step forward. Trusting God each step of the way!

Seeing your name in print

Last weekend while in Arizona we headed out to Chandler and hit the mall with the kids. Honestly I am not a huge 'shopper' --I know Im a woman but I just don't really get the whole idea of spending a Saturday at the mall there is so much else I would much rather be doing, seeing, living but not really the mall. Since Dennis had the kids he was trying to do something for them and having 3 girls who love to shop, the mall seemed the place to go. A mall with a Build a bear shop in particular. This mall was a nice one, one that would put a huge smile on my girls faces if we get the chance to visit, and of course seeing there was a Barnes and Noble there, I was happy :). Wandering around while the girls ran up and down the isles I found myself in the parenting isle. I wasn't sure if I had shown Dennis the book that had the section I wrote in it so I scanned the rows. I didn't see the title I was looking for but picked up another in the Childwise, On Becoming Babywise series and my eyes about jumped out ! My NAME! I still remember what it was like to see the book that I received my first 'token' payment from. I was flat out broken, broken from all that I had encountered going through my divorce and then to have some part of my prior life actually be important enough to be asked to use as an appendix to another book being written. Words just don't describe how much that moment stood out as the beginning of my climb out of that dark pit of despair. Last weekend I found several books (at least 3) with my name in them. Acknowledging the workshops I had held in my home and written papers on to hand out to all those moms who were here . Those papers were used, and assisted in Gary and Anne Marie's writing of their 'secular' series. I want to write a book. Maybe just saying it outloud is something I need to do each day. I remember the words well of someone who encouraged me not to long ago that I need to 'carve' out that time each week to make this happen. That is my goal to figure out how to do just that!

Valentines

Today is Valentines Day. A day that has for the past few years brought a lot of pain to my heart. Today while Im still alone, I dont find myself reflecting on that fact as much. The kids have kept me plenty busy today, not one minute did I have to sit around and sulk. We even ended our evening after I talked them into another Romantic flick. We watched Elizabethtown. The girls, the younger two got bored and took off to watch a Winnie the Pooh Valentines Day special but Ashley and I watched the movie. Its always fun to see how you pick up parts of a movie you didn't notice in times past, and I have seen this movie at least 3 or 4 times since it came out. What stood out to me this time was the end. I was taken back watching how in the end he stood there in the midst of a hurried, crazy environment, maybe a reflection of our lives? And there she stood. The moment he saw her everything around him became clear. I have that belief. That when that one special person is in our lives, live becomes clearer. We can see straight, see the direction we want to head, and feel the courage to take the steps to get there. The pain of our past can still make that very difficult to give up the rains and take that simple leap of faith. But even as Drew see's Claire after his entire life has fallen apart around him, things clear up and he sees what he wants. He knows what he wants.

Claire made one comment I have been reflecting on mid way through the movie. She and Drew are on the phone and she says to him, "Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room." What did that mean exactly? I started thinking about a conversation between Dennis and I. He stated " I see things as black and white" not grey around the edges.....is that what they meant..........I wonder......do we see things easier as grey around the edges instead of sharp corners?

Floating in the Clouds

This weekend I flew out to Arizona to get away. It was a greatly needed break, but since Dennis had his kids this weekend it wasn't really a 'rested' break. After the complexity of the weekend he drove me back to the airport. It was pouring rain outside. As we dropped back down to the valley the clouds were dancing in the air. Creeping around the mountain tops, hugging them it seemed.

The plane ride home, short as always was a bit bumpier then usual due to the cloud layer we passed through heading back down into San Diego. I don't think I had ever flown through clouds at night, or at least been sitting in a window seat to watch it. Flying into San Diego at night is always pretty, but flying into the airport through the clouds was exillirating. My heart leaped flying through them and it instantly made me reflect back to my childhood. Those innocent moments of laying on the grass and thinking in amazement what it would be like to dance on the clouds. Who of us didn't think that as a child? Those moments of being lost in thought, innocent moments of bliss. Moments like those make me want to be that young again.

“Happiness is like a cloud, if you stare at it long enough, it evaporates” Sarah McLachian

Burried in Paperwork!

"I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. "

Peter De Vries

Pulling myself out of the endless reams of paperwork I have found myself burried under this week its made me really stop to think.......when did our lives that are so technologically based become so completely stunted by the continual dumping of paperwork? In a world becoming more and more oriented by the need to understand computers, why in the world haven't we gotten away from paperwork? I somewhat recall the later years of my education and this organization called "Greenpeace" that called for the reduction of waisted trees. I recall the need to recycle and have on my driveway a huge recycle can that we use each and every week. However, I am still continually amazed by the mass amounts of paperwork that we find ourselves overwhelmed with.

This week I am not only preparing conference forms for my High Schooler who attends one of the most technologically advanced High Schools in the area, I am filling out ticket order forms for my childrens up and coming performance in the King and I, I am filling out High School and Elementary re-enrollment applications for the upcoming school year, Conference forms and mad levels of paperwork for my 8th graders upcoming conference and DC trip, and my younger two's conferences next week. I also have insurance forms, bills, report cards and probably another half dozen forms, or "required" elements that need my signature or some part of my attention given this week. Madness! While Im not one that wants to see the world automated in a way that our foreheads are stamped and we walk into a room and the automation of time knows where and what you are doing as many of the movies we see show and make humor of, I still believe that there is a HUGE waisted amount of busywork or paperwork that as individuals we spend way to many hours dealing with in our lives.

I should add with some humor, that I am not really the only one who feels this way, it was an official act by the White House back in 2003 to actually deal with just this when they implimented the Implementation of the Government Paperwork Elimination Act.

While Im not usually one to notice the above mentioned act, I did stumble across it while writing this and found it a bit amusing :) What a name and no wonder its been forgotten, probably burried in PAPERWORK!

Misdirected focus on paperwork, on procedures, and on bureaucracy frustrates teachers and fails to give children the education they need.
Christopher Bond

Where did the time go?

Before having children I worked for a company called Computer Economics. Saturated in the midst of a computer newsletter company I learned a lot. The owner took a liking to me (in a healthy way) and sent me to a lot of classes on programming and how to work on computers. At the time I was his assitant, the office manager and the systems information manager for the company. I felt like I knew something about computers. Where did that time go?

My eldest daughter has been saving her pennies. She and I agreed she could have her own laptop. So she has been saving up for one. She brought home from her fathers a ton of electronic pet stuff (old samples) to sell on ebay so we have been doing just that to get the final amount she needs for her computer. Yesterday I spent the day diving into the web sites that offer comparisions and reviews on all the laptops out there. Of course we can't afford one much over the $900 range so that limits us, but at the same time I keep questioning myself. Processor chips have changed so much, and change almost daily. She likes to do some gaming as well as enjoys to do graphics like I do, so there has to be a decent level graphics card in the computer as well. One moment Im sold on a Dell the next on an HP. Im back to thinking the Dell Inspirion will be the right system for her. I want it to be an investment for her she will enjoy, one she might even be able to use for the next 4 years as she enters High School. She is in the middle of writing a novel and I want her to have the tools to do all that her young 13 year old mind gives her the courage to think she can do. What I would do in some ways to be that young again and to have the world lay ahead of me as she does.....where did the time go?

Tears and asking forgiveness

Last night was a very emotional evening for me. I had just returned from taking Dennis to the airport and the kids came home. There are times like last night when I struggle inside knowing Im trying to do the right thing and work with my ex husband and letting him see the kids when it works best for him. He travels a lot so I work my schedule around his, but everything inside of me is saying maybe its time to stop being as generous. The kids came home and I was already a bit on the emotional side from having said good byes a short while earlier.

They got home a bit later since they had been watching the game at their fathers house. Upon their arrival home we had a few minutes of cuddling and then the stories began. Of who said what and what took place and so on and so forth. The words that hang in the air even today for me are these "daddy said " we are going to go live with him and only visit you mom". As the party who was taken by surprise by my husband walking out on us, taking surprise by the fact he had been having an affair on me, taken surprise by the words "I don't think I ever loved you" each of these events were a constant stab to my heart. Last night it was as if the 'knife' was twisted and shoved harder into my heart. What causes someone to become so discontent with his life he has to take it out on someone who trys hard to stay far away from him in order to avoid being hurt any more? What causes someone to constantly use his children as a wedge to hurt and hurt their children in the process?

Im reading a new book called Happily Remarried by David & Lisa Frisbie. The couple is out of our church and brought two families together after having their lives ripped apart. While the title can be a bit misleading, its an amazing resource of encouragement to those who have been or are still walking in my shoes. Courage to see that you can have a successful marriage ahead and move through the baggage of your past is something hard to find on the shelves of book stores. This is a comment they state in response to some of those hard questions I pose.

"Divorce puts some of us right back in middle school again-entangled in a web of complicated and difficult relationships, besieged by changing loyalities, and burdened with emotional pain. We recognize we're not quite as professional, not quite as mature, and not quite as responsible as we believed we were."

As I listened to the girls explain what took place I felt the blood in my veins roar and out of my mouth popped some very unneeded and ungodly comments about their father. I think I actually shocked my son. I was mad, hurt and reeling in pain, once again by a man who by all rights should no longer have this effect on me. I did apologize to the kids that night and asked their forgiveness for the things I said. They each forgave me, but that brought me to my knees last night. "Lord, do I still have that much to learn in trusting you and knowing that you will work all this out in the end?"

Wednesday and Fridays

Wednesdays and Fridays are usually my favorite days of the week. The kids are home on these days and we homeschool and get to have a much more restful morning getting up and hitting the books. I snapped a few pictures of the antics Ashley and I enjoy each of those mornings......

By the time we let Cleo (puppy) out of her kennel Kitty has usually claimed Ashley's pillow. Often times of course this occurs mid way through the night and Ashley wakes up with a crook in her neck, but all the same the pillow is Kitty's. --That is until Cleo is up :)

Cleo bounds into the room and sometimes needing help is lifted up into Ashley's bed. This leaves the stare down. The two sit there as if life was normal, the cat refusing to admit she is pissed off and the dog trying hard as she will to not want to pounce on the cat. Eventually "kitty" gets mad and starts to bat at the pup. This is funny since she never uses her claws, but it gets Cleo all the more excited. Cleo wants the pillow! Eventually the cat gets mad and takes off, and Cleo 'wins' getting the pillow and Ashley to herself. The cat, she gets even...and eats Cleo's food :) Its a dog eat dog world don't you know :) And that is in a nutshell the antics of our Wednesday and Friday mornings...as well as those weekends I get to spend with the kids.