Can you forget how to relax?

Its been one of those weeks. Maybe its just one of those months. Or maybe yet, its just the way life is! :) Yesterday when Dennis called to check up on me in the later afternoon I had to tell him simply, "I feel like Im loosing my mind!" You laugh, but Im serious. I was out driving to a store when he called but a few minutes before that I had literally been driving in circles. I had to take Ashley to Volleyball and I couldn't remember for the life of me, where the Middle School I was dropping her off was. Now someone who is reading this may say, whats the big deal in that? Hmm, only that I knew exactly where it was, it wasn't in a hard spot, my brain just had all but shut down yesterday.

I had been doing so much this week, juggling so much, grading papers early so I can get out of town again, running kids to and from, hosting a reunion, engaging with other families who are a bit upset over the new High Schools idea to split up the freshman class and have them attend opposite days of the Junior and Sophmores. Arrrrgh, my brain just shut down. I felt like crying, but with Ashley in the car I had to put on a strong front. So that brings us to today.

Today started as crazy as ever, running around finding that kids were sleeping through their alarm clocks, trying to get the house straightened out since I work now while they are at school, and make sure they have everything they need. On top of it my 3rd grader was doing a Wax Museum at school and needed her hair up to look like Marie Curie. I had to make sure props where not forgotten, and lunches were made, and that I had all I needed to turn in grades, and bring my stuff to work. Insanity!

After running to work, and having a rather laid back relaxing early day there, I headed over to the school to see my daughter do her thing. It occured to me on the drive there I need to be more active about doing more things with her since she is my baby, and hasn't had me around as much as the older kids have. Conviction! Anyway, thats another entire post! Got to the school, no parking, fun. They finally moved a cone so I could park and in I went. I remembered to pay for the yearbook, check about the upcoming Cinco De Mayo celebration, and dropped off my paperwork for this packet. Then it occured to me, ask someone to bring the girls home for you, so you can relax a bit before they get home! I did, I asked, I received and here I sit. Not sure how to relax! Insanity of all insanities! Someone just slap me silly will ya !

In the trenches

Today has been a day I don't know if I should feel like I succeed in or failed in. Or if you can even measure the difficulty of the things I had to face. Single parenting is difficult. I am blessed with four beautiful, healthy and sinful children. The thing is when I look around me I know for the most part I have pretty good kids. I struggle day in and day out with attitudes from one or more of the girls. Sometimes lately I have even struggled with my son. The hardest part with him is not trying to 'mommy' a 15 year old boy. The girls got the better of me, or did they today?

Ashley fell apart earlier this morning. We are on the last week of the next to last packet of the school year. That means, conferences are next week. Actually, with me going out of town, that means conferences or paperwork has to be turned in on Thursday. Arrrrgh. Ashley has been good this year. She has been on the ball and really pulled herself together and stayed on top of her school work. This packet however, she fell backwards. To top it off the trip to the East Coast was an 'excuse' for her. One I had to gently remind her that going on a trip is no excuse for not getting your work done. Having recognized she has a History Portfolio due, a novel due and a analysis of a piece of music and reflecting on the lyrics, time of origination, and feelings of. She fell apart today. I got upset. This is probably where I failed. Instead of recognizing she has come a long way, I saw her falling back into a bad habit, and not wanting her to think I was going to let her slack it off. I got angry. Later I apologized, we talked and worked out a plan. This is where I succeeded. I don't remember my parents apologizing to me much. Im not complaining about that, we all have strengths and weaknesses. But I want my children to know that when you screw up, you need to apologize and set things straight. Not apologizing leaves wounds that sometimes never heal. Apologizing is like saying, hey, Im human, and Im sorry...can you forgive me? Life is good again.

Emily has been struggling with friendships. Girls are just difficult at this age. They are petty, and fight easily. I know this, I lived this, but I want to help her avoid it. So we talked and I set up some parameters. Not sure if that was smart or not. One thing after another it felt like today. Knee deep in the trenches is where I have been today.

This is the hardest part of being a single parent. You are alone in your decisions. You are alone when you say No, to the questions. You are alone, when you set up consequences. It is so easy to feel beat up after trying your hardest. Even in the best of broken families there is no counting on the other home to support your decisions. You are not a strong foundation any longer. You are alone.

I parent knowing I do have Christ on my side supporting me. Its head knowledge but I still feel battered. Parenting wasn't suppose to be something you take on alone. It was suppose to be something a man and woman came together and stood together supporting each other. I miss that.

He>i

Im fortunate to have a a few friends in my life that help me take a good look at myself at times. Today I got to speak to Luke on the phone for a bit and that conversation led to a hard look at myself. I work with Luke 3 days a week now, but we don't get much time to chit chat other then admire the newest and greatest electronics on the market. Today he knew I needed a friend and called and we talked a bit. I didn't lay anything earth shattering on him, he just listened. I suppose I listened to myself at the same time. I think I see an issue the Lord wants me to face. Im a people pleaser. Thats a hard position to live in at times. I want everyone around me 'happy'. Thing is, we can't control the factors in everyones lives. We can only do our part. If Im on the phone with a friend, or a special somone and they seem depressed. I take it as, Im not doing my part to make them happy. Wow, just typing that out is difficult to face. I want the tone of the voice to demonstrate a 'happiness' that we are talking. I want the person to feel better when they are with me. Thats a heavy burden to walk around with.

Driving my son to youth group tonight I was thinking about just that. I stopped thinking and worring about the tone of the last conversation with the person I just had and acknowledged that today was beautiful. I'm healthy, and have so many blessings in my life. More then I can count, why do I allow the so called unhappiness of another to effect me so? I started thinking about the bumper sticker I saw on the truck in front of my while I was waiting for Ashley to finish Volley Ball practice. HE> i was all it said. Wow what powerful words, what a powerful statement that is. HE is so much greater then anything I can say, I can do, or I give. I like this quote by Bruce Walker

"We cannot be happy without God. This simple fact is easy to forget. As people rail against religion, particularly Christian faith, they rail against their only chance to be really happy. Without God, nothing really matters. Without God, luck and whim and opinion are our false gods."

Im not in control of the happiness of others. I do need to take care of being the best person I can in Christ. I need to love others and care for them but not take on the burden of their life so that it effects my own personal 'happiness'. Life is to short not to take full opportunity of the blessings in front of our own eyes.

Do we think to much?

I've been pondering the question if women reflect or think about the things men do too much?

It's hard for me to turn off the thinking. I'll lay in bed trying to sleep but thoughts keep coming into my head. Men can sit in front of the television and fall asleep within minutes, how do you do that? I can be in the car driving and fail to get off the correct off ramp because my mind is 100 miles away thinking about some conversation I had, or something I need to do....constantly thinking. At work while I sit in front of the computer working I can easily replay every conversation I had the weekend before, and find myself crying at times. I think 'we' think to much.

What would it be like to not assume a man was thinking something? (when usually they aren't) What would it be like to stop thinking up the perfect way something should turn out? (when it almost never turns out like you dreamed) What would it be like to just take life as it comes without making more of the things we think about? (sounds too simple) What would it be like to stop thinking as much as we do?

Something to think about :)

Writers Block no more!

It's funny when it happens, you find yourself sitting there thinking about something and all of a sudden words just rush into your head and you can't help but sit down and write it all out. A few weeks ago I was on a plane and this happened. My mind was spinning, one of those kinds of evenings if I had been sleeping or trying to sleep I would have had to get up and sit at the computer until 3 in the morning writing out all that was in my head. The thing was I was in an airplane and completely UNPREPARED! This was a lesson I learned, never go anywhere without a notebook ever again. I would love to spend the money on a laptop for myself, but that doesn't seem to make sense at the moment so writing the old fashioned way will have to do. That evening I found myself writing on napkins, backs of magazines, WHATEVER I could get my hands on. Maybe one day Ill look back at those notes and chuckle. Hard to say, but for now I am bursting at the seams knowing that all the emotions I have been struggling with are stirring up pages and pages I can write with. This past weekend I spit out at least 2 dozen pages for the book. I hope the words keep coming!

Interesting

Interesting tidbit:

Two of the blogs I regularly read listed this map on their blogs recently.

I am not sure what to make of it, should I be more depressed that there are so many single men living in my neck of the woods, obviously uninterested in settling down or should I be thinking why is it there are no single women living on this side of the US? I guess for men looking for women, the West Coast is NOT the place to look? Silly really really silly!

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm thoughts to ponder :)

The Pursuit of Happiness

"Maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue. And maybe we can actually never have it no matter what. " Chris Gardner

A couple of weeks ago I saw this movie for the first time. I cried, my children cried, and then I found myself for days after thinking about this movie. It isn't very often that that happens, but this movie made me think.

Chris Gardner is struggling. He can't pay his bills, he is struggling in his career, and to top it off his wife leaves him with his son. Chris finds a way to take care of all that has to be taken care of and continually shows his son to be the top priority of his life. Throughout the movie Chris played by Will Smith finds me sitting there thinking how in the world can this much happen to one human being? That is how life happens though. We find oursleves in one huge challenge after another. The movie is created off of the real life of Chris Gardner, and he has become a huge inspiration to me. In the movie he is talking to his sons and states this "You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period."

I have a dream. One that haunts my thoughts, day in and day out. Im going to get that dream, Im going to pray and work towards that dream. I won't quit, Im going to pursue 'happiness' withall I have. What is your dream?

The Loss of a dream?

Divorce is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My life as it was is no more, and will never ever resemble the 'dream' I had in my heart from that very young innocent child.

Hard words to face, hard words to type, hard realization sets in. Can you truly ever have a 'dream' fulfilled once it has fallen and been completely trampled upon?

The pain from that period of my life is over. I don't walk around in a cloud of dispair, torment and bewilderment as I did for months. My life today is stronger in ways I would have never imagined life being, but the scars of that period are as tender as the day the wound was inflicted. I have a tenderness in me for single parents that never existed before this period of my life. I have a passion in me about quitting, walking away, and divorce that I never had in me until now. I understand now why God hates divorce.

I haven't lost anything of great 'value'. In fact God has continually blessed me and protected me over the past few years. I can honestly think of times where I knew he was literally carring me through the trials I was facing. Days when I had absolutely no strength in me left, I knew he got me through, not of my own but of His.

But the dream, my dream, is it lost? I dream of having this 'life', being a woman a man can love completely without fear of what I may do. A dream of 'family' that I just can't let go of. I struggle. Will I, can I, is it possible for me to ever have that 'image' in my mind ever again? Was the dream I had wrong to begin with and thats why it failed? Am I only thinking selfishly in my thoughts when I say I want to be married, and 'happy'? Arrrrrrrrrgh

The older we get the more we are set in our ways and beliefs. The older we get the more baggage we all walk around with. Maybe its the Lord desire for me to be single the rest of my life. Maybe I need to let the Lord set that new 'dream' for me instead of my simple mind setting a goal that just may never be realized. Maybe.

First Paycheck.....?

I really have too much to be doing to sit here and write, but I have found myself missing the therapy of sitting and writing out my thoughts. I think I have had to many as of lately.

I got my 2nd paycheck last week so this post is a little past due, but since I am sitting here enjoying my first paychecks earnings I thought I would write in honor and reflection of what I have learned so far now as a 'working' single parent.

Life takes on new meaning when you have more responsibility and more things to juggle. I didn't quite know what it was I took on at first and in my usual eager self was almost too eager to take on more and more responsibility. I am fortunate to have the owner looking out for me and recognizing that my children are my first responsibility so before my actual boss was able to overload me he stepped in and changed things around. Im grateful. I like the flexibility I have, working in the office is a bit of an escape even for me at times, but I can easily fill a thumb drive and take it home and squeeze in hours here and there. The thing is this....life is just more hectic now then ever. I can also say I know more about video games now then I think I ever wanted to know :) I am also my sons hero in that I can pick up fun accessories for his Xbox360 at a nice little discount. Perks, but life has changed for me.

Im still 'handling' it all, but I am having to reflect hard on my life and access things differently. Im looking at all aspects of my life right now and making some hard decisions. I suppose that has been whats kept me so quiet. Sometimes there can be so much to think about, and just not an easy way to dive in and decide what you need to relect on the most. Overwhelmed, in many ways am I right now....granted with a perky new 22' computer screen :)

Arrrrrrgh! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrrgh!

Ever felt the need to just growl? I am feeling this need on an hourly basis this week!


Can you believe Easter is this weekend???????????????


Where has 1/4th of this year gone??????????????


Get a grip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Im tired of being single Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


All of the above are constant thoughts of mine this week..........stay tuned!