It's still smoky......... wanting to breathe again

Driving on the 10 home today the smoke was still lingering in the Palm Springs Valley. This was the first time driving home that I was actually hoping it would be windy in that Windmill zone of the valley....the valley that usually scares the pants off of me driving home. Guilt plays a bit with my conscious for escaping this weekend and having a wonderful time in the midst of knowing how many families have lost so much from the aftermath of last week.

I wanted to breathe....I wanted to just leave it all behind....and I did.

Bill had the kids for an extended weekend this weekend so I headed off and Dennis and I got to play outside. We took the jeep out, and while it was hardly the kind of 4 wheeling Hewanted to do in it, we got to let the air out, take the clips off the sway bar and head out and play. It was a lot of fun, but nothing compared to yesterday. See I like to play in the dirt and drive too....he knows that, thats why I got a quad just like his ;) . So yesterday we headed out with the quads after church and got 'lost' in the forest. Lost is a general term when you are out and about with a mountain man like Dennis. We headed out and found an old Uranium mine and on the way I got to watch him play lumberjack. Seems our Santa ana winds had fun in Arizona too. There were so many dropped trees in our paths we had fun winching and pulling the logs off the path.....not fun as in ha ha, fun as in WORK. Then after we headed out and found this little piece of heaven in the middle of nowhere....off he took me to go Horn hunting. A city girl like myself who was raised by a country man and mother this kind of thing doesn't scare me, but is new all the same. Now while He was the first to find the Horn he made sure I found it up on the side of the mountain before going after it. But me being the greedy girl I am, I wanted a set.....so much for being greedy. We headed off on a small hike to see what we could find up in the hills, I thought I was being smart and took a different path then he did....ducked under a tree and smacked my head good. Pain....pain pain pain.....and yep, lots of tears, he was by my side in seconds. I didn't really think I had hit it that hard until I moved my hand and blood started running down my face. So much for being the 'pretty girl' on the hill....I was a bloody mess! I think I fell in love all over again that afternoon. The way he cared for me and cleaned me all up, I think the pain was worth it just to learn more about the man I want in my life. And so here I sit, home again, just wanting to relive that afternoon over and over again....waiting and wanting and missing him like crazy.

A Pink Moon

Breathing outside makes you cough, the air isn't the crisp air of Autumn. Ashes fall from the sky, and cover the ground like it would if it was snow, making a mess of things and it leaves a reminder of what we are living.

Four years ago fire desolated and scared families but the fires of San Diego this year nothing comes close to in my lifetime.

I received a call from my mother early Tuesday morning. "We are being evacuated." Helplessly I sat waiting for them. My mother franticly worried, was suppose to be at the hospital waiting on my grandmother coming out of surgery this morning, what was happening? A new fire. A fire in an area that had just been cleared out by fire 4 years ago. Not again. Over 25 percent of the families in Southern California were evacuated! Thats just insane. The evacuations came at an eager response on the part of California to outdo the last emergency in my mind. Whats been stated over and over again, 'we have learned from the aftermath of Katrina", but this is not Katrina. Families have lost 'stuff' but with warning....lots of warning.

My parents finally received word late this afternoon they could return home. This was after last night none of us getting sleep when Vista had been added to the list of threatened communities and the city in which my parents live was listed as one of the newly fire eaten paths. My mom thought of silly things, like 'who was going to be there to feed the birds outside'. She was scared, I was scared. Its an unnerving feeling to be so helpless and without word to what is really going on..

Tonight there was a pink moon. The largest whole moon seen in a very long time Im told, and for us, its pink.

I cry and pray each night for all the families I know who still are not sure if their homes are standing....

Co-Ed

My eldest daughter Ashley will turn 14 in 15 minutes. My house is filled with youthful teenagers, both boys and girls. This was her choice, to have a Co-ed Birthday party. A rock n roll party filled with full fledged records, and video games.

With the amount of hours I have been putting in as of lately, almost full time plus all that I am doing I feel it in my bones this party. I was in tears over how I was literally aching last night. I am getting older along side my children. Scary thought.....even scarier when the parties turn from all girls to CO-ED. Even scarier when you hear the girls discussing party games and the dreaded "truth or dare" is being prepared.

So I sit here in my room cowering for a few minutes while the tunes from Guitar Hero run through my small home. Laughing and giggling and 3 more hours to go! You would think that as kids get older a party could be contained in a smaller amount of time. The younger the child the more help they need, but nope, the older they get the more time they want to just 'hang out'.

My baby is 14!

Not your typical post--pet

OK I've written about the I-Dogs before. I think they are just the cutest thing out there. I like them so much I did go out and buy myself one last year.

He is adorable, and makes me smile when I turn on music and see him lite up. But have you seen the new one?????? He taps his toes!!!!! OMG how totally cute! And you don't have to clean the yard up after them!

The need to cry

I realized something tonight about myself. In some strange way it can be comforting to learn things about yourself. Even more so I think when those things you learn help explain your own perceived weaknesses.

I cry easily. Those who know me know if I am passionate, lonely, happy and/or angry Ill cry. I cry when Im scared and I cry when I am uncertain of myself. Dennis told me not to long ago he believed in some ways I cry because I just care to much about people. There may be some truth to that too, but tonight I learned a big part of why there is a need inside of me to just let the tears flow.

I got hit hard with the mean metal box thats down the street today. No, not the upside the head, or along the side of my car kind of thump. The kind of hitting that makes you stop and just well... cry. The mean metal box I am referring to is the mail box. How can such a big piece of metal bring such joy or frustration? Today it brought frustration when I looked over all my bills. It was as if every bill I could possibly get hit all at the same time. Insurances, credit cards, etc. etc. etc. I try to budget a month forward each time its a pay period. This helps me know what I am looking at for the month ahead instead of well just what needs to be paid today. I feel pretty good about that practice. It has been a type of 'budgeting' for me and it helps me plan accordingly. Today I was weak and it all hit me hard. Poor Dennis didn't know what he was in for when he called. It was like the flood gates opened and I just couldn't stop crying. I know he felt helpless in a sense being a state away, but its really nice to know he can help hold my head above water when I start to feel scared. As I was talking to him I started to apologize for being so weak and explained what it felt like and all of a sudden it was a strange sensation as I started to hear myself explain why I need to cry.

I told him this "its like I keep trying to figure out a problem on my own, over and over again. I know I am a smart enough woman to figure out things, so I am sure I can in most instances. I can do this I tell myself. Keep thinking, don't give up, I can figure out the solution." Me me me....I can do it. Funny thing is, anytime we try to do things apart from the Lord we fail miserably. I think thats why I cry. Its when I finally allow myself to feel helpless, I release it. I realize "I" cannot do all things....only "HE" can. What a realization. I can cry, I should cry, and when I do....I allow Christ to carry me again.

What the!

Scanning through some of the blogs I read each day, I came across one from Focus on the Family... my mouth just about hit the floor...and then my stomach started to hurt.

Just when you think California has come up with the strangest laws, they come up with another that just makes me sick! WHO DECIDES ITS OK TO NOT WANT OUR CHILDREN TO HOPE FOR A NORMAL LIFE??????????

Mom' and 'Dad' banished by California
Schwarzenegger signs law outlawing terms perceived as negative to 'gays'

---

Posted: October 13, 2007
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2007 WorldNetDaily.com

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Mom and Dad" as well as "husband and wife" effectively have been banned from California schools under a bill signed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who with his signature also ordered public schools to allow boys to use girls restrooms and locker rooms, and vice versa, if they choose.

"We are shocked and appalled that the governor has blatantly attacked traditional family values in California," said Karen England, executive director of Capitol Resource Institute.

"With this decision, Gov. Schwarzenegger has told parents that their values are irrelevant. Many parents will have no choice but to pull their children out of the public schools that have now become sexualized indoctrination centers."

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has delivered young children into the hands of those who will introduce them to alternative sexual lifestyles," said Randy Thomasson, president of Campaign for Children and Families, which worked to defeat the plans. "This means children as young as five years old will be mentally molested in school classrooms.

"Shame on Schwarzenegger and the Democrat politicians for ensuring that every California school becomes a homosexual-bisexual-transsexual indoctrination center," he said.

read on here...

Some things are better left un figured out

There are things in life that you can spend way to much time thinking and questioning the why's about. Like:

• why a man would cheat on a woman
• why days after your husband walks out on you your house floods
• why sometimes there are rainbows and sometimes there isn't
• why within 18 months of your husband walking out on you you experience 2 more floods
• why they call rap music
  
• why the sky is blue and
• why while your daughter is visiting her father for the weekend he decides to have a heart to heart and 'text' her from down stairs to tell her that he is sorry he divorced her mother and wishes he could take it back. Just don't go there, don't let your brain try to figure that out. Im just not going to let myself ponder this one! Yeah right.....

Letting Go... Letting God

Being a mom has been a natural thing for me. Its been what I dreamed of from as far back as I can remember. As a child my goal in life was to be a mom. I wanted to be just like my mom. I pictured myself as the legendary "Kool-Aid" mom growing up. The hardest part about being a mom is letting go.

Today my baby girl, the youngest of my children headed off on school trip to Sacramento. She's only 9, shes my baby. I've let each of the kids go on a trip away from me. This wasn't something new, but with her....shes my baby. Why is it so hard to let go?

I think the divorce taught me to not only let go of the kids each time they head off with their dad, but it taught me to trust that God was in control in all things. I still worry. Am I weak to worry? Could I be stronger?

I love being a mom!

A Fun Contrast!

Since today is really another day that I feel like I am going to look back on one day and wonder how it was I survived it I thought it might help to record todays activities. Sometimes it feels like the days just slips through my hands. Im not sure where it went, I got stuff done but where did the day go??????

6:30 am Alarm goes off (why oh why do I have that darn thing still set to Buzz Buzz Buzz?)

6:45am I finally get the energy to get up and wake the girls up

6:50am Energy Drink, shower, and pull together paperwork for conferences

7:35 am Head to Girls school after arguing with Emily for the past 30 min about todays upcoming labs (she all of a sudden doesn't' want to swim after begging to take this class)

8:00am First conference with Emily's teacher (shes doing great....10 min later we are done...wait till 8:30 for Jessica's conference)

9:00am Leave the school and talk briefly with Dennis

9:20am Home just in time to get one subject of our Homeschool day done...

9:40am head out for labs at the YMCA

10:00 drop off the girls for labs (art & swimming)
I get a small reprieve I get to go shopping at Kohl's while I wait on them to get done!

11:30 pick up lunch

11:45 pick up girls

12:00 drop off girls check on the older two to make sure they don't have any urgent needs on their school work

12:10 head to work

2:20 leave work head home

2:30 walk in door, start a load of laundry, deal with ants that are in the house, vaccume carpet and somehow look over the girls school work they did while I was at work.

3:30 Turn on laptop and work from home for the next 2 hours

5:30 start dinner (start to wonder if this feeling I have is me breaking into 100 pieces)

6:30 sit down with the kids for dinner

6:35 K calls and rescues me from having to pick up the kids from Youth Group tonight! Praise God!

6:45 head out to pick up C from K's house and take all 3 to the church for Youth Group
(I do love elderly people but honestly after the sun sets they shouldn't be driving out on the streets because they usually end up going the wrong way!)

7:05 pm back home, drop another load of laundry in, sort it and throw it into piles for the kids to deal with, mine currently sits in a pile on my bed.

7:23 pm I sit here typing, knowing I have to clean up the kitchen, bake cookies for the kids for lunch tomorrow, prepare for tomorrow, really I should just shut off the laptop and deal with all the rest of my work tomorrow.....but I dont like to get behind.

What lays ahead?

8:30 Tuck the girls into bed

9:00 - 9:30 ish Dennis will call for our nightly chat

10:30-11:00 we will say goodnight

12:00 I may get lucky and hit the pillow

Tomorrow, it just begins again.

I just look forward to Fridays.....they are a small bit of peace in the midst of insanity!

Milestones

Last month was a huge milestone for me in many reasons, one was at work. Our company reached 1 million in Microsoft sales this month. Huge deal, the owner honored me and my boss for all of our efforts, it was a new thing for me. Claim Jumper was brought in to celebrate, gift cards handed out and consistent thank you's for all our hard work. It was work, I worked way too many hours last month.

Up until this year my accomplishments went unnoticed for the most part. Oh boy, I potty trained another child, yes Andrew learned to put away his toys! Ashley is reading! Things that mean more then I can explain to any mom when the moment hits, but no one acknowledges you accomplishments. At work its very different.

I know more about video games then I ever wanted. I can tell you that we sold over $1200 in Madden 2008 XB360 in two months. That we sold over 290K in sales in Halo 3 alone this month. I know when video game prices will drop before the public does and my son had the Halo 3 game beat a week before it hit the shelves. Yes I won the mom of the year award for that one, and no one believed he had the game at school. But I ask this....does any of thatl really matter?

I could tell you the top games in the industry and what the military would buy. I know the UPC codes for dozens of Xbox 360 games and the systems and for some reason this fact haunts my sleep. I know that this month Xbox is releasing a special deal on Xbox. That PS3 is may drop in price before Thanksgiving....but who really cares?

I also know that as a rule we spend way to much time wrapped up in playing video games, we allow our lives to slip away. Something I have been drilling into my children every day. Life is too short....don't let it waste away sucked to the screen of a tv or a computer. Enjoy life as it is, enjoy the people in your life, because before you know it they won't be around.

Think about how much of your life you have sat watching tv, playing video games or glued to your computer screen. Kinda scary isn't it! I think I would rather continue to avoid the television and computer after work. It means I spend more time with those I love.

Can you be too honest?

I think that I could easily say that I am a sucker for being honest. I am possibly too honest with my feelings too often. I sometimes wonder if its too much for a man to hear a woman be as open and honest as I can be with how I feel? Can you be too honest? I struggle with this. If in this world we can't be completely honest with those we love....what and where does that leave us? If here on this earth we can't open ourselves up to those we trust and leave our hearts exposed, should we be in a relationship at all? But can you be too honest? Can you give to much of your heart? I wonder about this, I have wondered about this.....maybe I will always wonder.