The Greeting, do we shake hands or not?

Luke and I finally were able to coordinate our busy schedules and have lunch the other day. I always enjoy our conversations and it seems he always leaves me pondering over something we discussed. This time was no different.

After catching up with the usual discussions, I started to share with him my internal struggle with not wanting to meet my ex's wife. My heart seems to know that this event is around the corner and so it was one of the things I shared with him. He was quick to assure me to examine my heart for the reasons I struggle. Do I hold myself to others expectations instead of just allowing what will happen? I knew that there was some truth to that. He also had some other mind provoking thoughts. I was sharing with him the strangness behind how it felt when I would reach out my hand and say to this woman, "nice to finally meet you". Isn't that how we are trained to respond when meeting someone we know exists but haven't had the opportunity to actually meet. He jumped on me for this comment. His response and this is me rephrasing it for him, was this, "when did we start to believe that we MUST shake hands with anyone new we meet?" He went on to share with me how he would feel if and when the opportunity for him comes to bump into my ex. Luke has known both Bill and I since before we were married in 1989. My ex is back to attending church again and of all the places he is attending Luke's church. While Luke has seen him in the distance he hasn't had the occasion to actually come face to face with either Bill or his new wife. This is something Luke is grateful for. But how will it feel when it comes time to actually meet him again. Luke has been through the same sort of ending that my marriage had. Both of us were married back in 1989 and his wife walked out on him about a year after my ex walked out on me. We have had plenty of time to cry on each others shoulders and now come along side each other and strengthen each other as we take the world on again. But how will it feel? His remark to me was, wouldn't it be a lie for him to extend his arm and say "hey nice to meet you and your new wife" or something along that line. Instead why not, just raise your arm and sort of wave and say "meet you". Not nice to meet you, not its good to see you, but 'meet you'. Thats what we are doing, I can't accept the choices you made, I completely disagree with with the path you put yourself on and by extending my arm out to you, I am saying I agree with you....aren't I? I had to laugh, because while actually doing this very thing would be 'well at the very least different' I liked it. It instantly made me reflect back to earlier in the month though.

I had been over in Arizona and had the opportunity to meet Dennis's ex's new boyfriend. These things are so much more complicated when you live in a small town verses where I live. So I had walked up and shook this mans hand. After talking with Luke I felt the need to apologize to Dennis for doing just that. He of course chuckled at me and assured me he hadn't made anything of me shaking this mans hand, however I felt better.

What would Miss manners say? How would Jesus resond? What is truly the best way to handle yourself in these sorts of situations? Better yet, why do we allow our lives to go in the direction that takes us to these sort of complications? Yet another question I just put out there with the understanding I won't find the answer anytime soon in this place.

Glorious Ruins

I've been spending time reading again lately. Its at the top of my priority list to include in my daily activities some of the things I know I need to feel encouraged and strengthened in my daily walk. Reading is high on that list of things I need. Taking even just 30 minutes out each day to spend lost in the words of another takes me away from 'the here and now' and plants me in another place. One area of interest of mine always spins out of 'relationships' and how we can fine tune them. Wanting so desperately to have a marriage ahead that is much more successful then the one of my prior 'life' I find myself reading or more specificially devouring information that can help me find insight into myself as well as others.

I've recently stumbled across the works of Francis Schaeffer and authors who have used his writings as the basis of what they are trying to bring home to the reader. I've found myself really locked on one particular phrase. Francis Schaeffer coined the phrase "glorious ruin' as a description for the human condition. He adapted this phrase from an old soiled painting. No one knew who the artist was, but so much of the detail in the artwork made the viewer believe it was done by someone with a definate gift. Eventually this piece of art was taken to a expert who could lift the stains and clean up the piece. He studied the brushwork, the style and was able to determine the period in which it had been created. After careful study and a long period of time this expert was able to state without a shadow of a doubt who the creator was even though the 'masterpiece' lay now in ruins. How true this is about our condition here.

Paula Reinhart states this "Don't the two words glory and ruin describe with painful accuracy what you live with every day in yourself and in those you love? For we do bear the glory of God imprinted on the image of our souls. To fall in love with someone is to be given a glimpse of the potential for the glory God put there originally. And yet we can't be with ourselves or someone we love for long without seeing another reality equally true: That image has been so marred in the fall and the stain of sin that sometimes, it's a crying shame." How can we choose not to love? I know the world would say it is easier to hide yourself away from each other if you have been hurt in the past. To shield yourself from the pain of possibly being hurt in the process of any sort of relationship. But I ask you this, Why would you want to avoid the small chance to see for any short period of time the beauty God unfolds in your life by chosing not to love.

Rush Hour Madness!

I was orginally going to title the name of this post "Sleepless in San Diego" since I felt it was fitting due to the fact I got about 1 hour of sleep last night. It became apparent however, as I kept writing that the title really didn't fit what I wanted to say.

Today after really not wanting to get up to take the kids to school since I had no sleep really whatsoever last night (for no reason I can figure out) I hit the roads. The roads in Southern California are just no fun to be on any more and more specifically the roads around here are just horrible. Years ago when my family chose to move to this area they chose it wanting to avoid the traffic and congestion of the Los Angeles area. The freeways back then, believe it or not, were single lane highways and you could find times during the day that NO one was on them. The 'period' of time has long since past. Today they there is no such thing as 'rush hour'.

Southern Californian's live their lives in a 'state of perpetual' rushedness. (I'mpretty sure that isn't a word, but in my state of mind it works!) We are so busy trying to get somewhere we get frustrated daily with the state of our lives. As I drove home and today it took me 2 times the time it should considering they have briliantly decided to work on every single road between Vista and Oceanside all at the exact same time and have one lane shut down on every road (I kid you not!) I commented to Dennis the other day that honestly I didn't realize there was really that many city workers because until lately I had never seen so many working all at the same time....which of course leaves me to wonder what it is they do when they are shutting down the roads I need to travel on! Ok back on track, two times as long to get home. On this particular drive I was sitting at a light that I had to wait for it to cycle about 6 times before I finally got to get through this specific intersection and a SUV somewhere behind me decides his time is more valuable then the rest of us and he is going to simply make his own way through. Bad call when there are huge dump trucks on the road you need to squeeze by. No SUV can be a match for a Semi Truck on the road but yet this guy in this vehicle felt he was important enough to make it work. I did get a chance to honk my pathetic bit of a horn at him, as did a few people behind me, but still all the same, he got up on the dirt and passed the rest of us. That left me wondering. Is it more selfish of the driver feeling his time is more valuable then the rest of us driving by or is it the same type of selfishness that leaves me realing with frustration? I honestly didn't like the question because it turned the table back on myself. And thats where I've left it, in the midst of rush hour madness!

I can do it?

This week has been a bit of 'fresh air' having the temperature rising up to the 70's again, I couldn't help but find myself enjoying being outside. Today with it being warmer outside then it was inside I found myself deciding to clean out a storage building with the hope of finding room to store all the items that had been in the trailer that I found a new home for earlier this week. Its a never ending process or at least it can feel like one trying to dispose of the items that are from your past.

A few weeks ago I found therapy in shredding documents from years past, the start of our business, things that had no 'tangible' value to keep any longer. Today I found myself discarding 'things', ok GARBAGE from the past. Scraps of wood from the period where I was into tole painting and he into woodworking, playground items for the huge playground fixture we built in the backyard, and gallons and gallons of paint from endless 'projects' this house has seen and lived through. Nothing worth value, but items that as a home owner now of almost 15 years you collect, pile up, or simply forget you have. I've put off dealing with a lot of these things simply because I didn't want to dredge up memories, or because it something I just didn't want to deal with. I'm trying a new approach to life.

I ran into a neighbor at Target this week. She's one of those you make sure if you see her outside you choose carefully when you want to run into. It's not that she's unpleasant to talk with, quite the opposite, but the thing is its never a 'quick' conversation. She and her husband have lived in the home across from my house for a bit longer then I have been here. We talked brielfly about the housing market and it left me dazed and confused. Most of the homes on this hill she told me are going for 800K or more. My home being not as big as the homes she was talking about wouldn't go for as much, but still. My focus had changed up till then about simply wanting to do what it would take to get it on the market and get out from under owning a home. But has that been a way of running away from things? We talked quite a bit and she is one to leave you feeling stronger and like you can tackle anything if you put your mind to it. I left feeling encourage that no matter what I attempted I could do it. If I wanted to expand this home, and get every dollar out of it I could do it. That leaves me wondering however, should I do it? Where do you draw the line on what you can do verses what you should do? This is the element I hate having to deal with alone. I want someone to tell me specificially what to do. Maybe that makes me a chicken. Maybe it means I don't have the courage to try something and fail. Or maybe, I simply just need to make this a top priority of prayer and let the Lord guide me.

Chick Flicks

I've been slowly hand picking out some of my favorite all time movies and watching them with the girls lately. The girls are now huge Meg Ryan and Julia Robert fans. I have had to be careful on the movies I choose for them because I don't want to expose them to parts of life they have no idea about or cause the questions to fall that Im not prepared to answer with them yet. We watched Serendipity with the brief exception of one scene, Run away Bride, as well as all the Jane Austen based movies I insist they will love and they argue but always agree. Meg Ryan has been at the top of their list of want to watch movie stars after seeing You Got Mail. Joe verses the Volcano we watched over the weekend too and they got a kick out of that one. I wanted to watch When Harry Met Sally, but since there was just too much I would have to fast forward through on that one for them I chose to watch it this afternoon while the kids were still in school.

Something in that movie just seemed to leave a question hanging in the air. Watching Harry slowly come to the conclusion he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Sally during the New Years Eve he spent alone made me wonder, isn't that the way it usually is? Its like the picture gets clear all of a sudden and you know without a doubt what you want your life to be like ahead. But do we always jump with as much enthusiasm as Harry did in the movie?

Harry's words made tears well up in my eyes even though this was probably the 10th time Ive watched the movie. "Well how about this way. I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love when you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts, I love that after I've spent the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm alone, and it's not because its New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible."

Contentment

I've been pondering this idea for a few days now. It's been another one of those 'the Lord is trying to get my attention' seasons.

This weekend the sermon Chris gave at church drove this straight to home "my heart". Where am I when it comes to contentment?

Typically speaking I don't struggle with 'wanting' things to much. Oh sure, drive a nice little sports car by me and Ill salivate a bit. A cute new outfit, yes that will get my attentiont too, and well for those of you who know me you know the things that make me 'want' but as a general rule-Ive been content, or so I thought.

We've been going through 1 John in a series at church, "John's Handy Dandy Spiritual Lie Detector Booklet, 10 Questions that Separate Spiritual Posers from the Real Deal. I've really been enjoying this. This weeks question was simply put, "What am I chasing after?" Chris laid out a few choices that show you how to discern where your real priorities in life are. These made me stop and think. In the second choice he listed it stated "Do I choose the lust of the eyes or contentment?" Ill admit in reflection after Saturday nights message, I've been struggling.

Its not an easy thing to stop and look at yourself with a critical eye. But I have been struggling. Where am I going to be at when 40 hits me around the corner. I've been looking at the state of my home, and wishing I had made better choices and I was telling myself that I needed to focus this next year ahead on getting this place on the market. The biggest area of course, is looking at who I am, and my 'marital status'. I don't want to be alone anymore. I am not content when it comes to crawling up in a big bed alone anymore. That's when it hit me. As much as I can see it in others, Im doing the same. I find myself running around like mad to not have those quiet moments of not knowing what to do with myself. I book myself and the kids like crazy to keep our schedules plenty busy and without time to stop and reflect. In my very action of avoiding what I don't want to face, I run away from finding the 'contentment' of each and every day as it is. Would it be so bad to have a quiet moment to sit down and read a book? To have nothing better to do then find contentment in watching the rain fall outside? To sit and live in the moment.... It hit me today, I've been running, running away from exactly what it is the Lord wants for me.

Fear

I know in the past I have written about my struggles with fear. The past couple of days I've had my heart tested a couple more times.

Im not really sure why events usually take place in groups of two or three. Just as you start to feel like you are getting your head out of the water another wave comes rushing in. That has been the past 48 hours for me.

Emily's birthday started out just as it should. Morning group hugs, spankings and the ripping open of wraping paper as she poured into her gifts. Her 'party' isn't quite over since tonight I will be invaded by 8 or so 10 year old girls for Em's first official sleepover. The thought "what was I thinking" has occured to me over and over. But back to Wednesday. The day went as it should until that evening. I heard water dripping.

The sound of water dripping does things to my head that I can't begin to explain. I suppose the only person who can understand the fear that grips my heart would be my father since he has been here to help me through each instance in the past three years dealing with the issues that have come up. Water was dripping and I couldn't figure out where. I decided to be 'grown' up and even though it was dark and I absoultely hate crawling into the under house crawl space I would venture out there and see what I could find. Right after opening the door and looking around I could see damage. Water damage, and I think in that instant I saw it times 10. I instantly called my father and walked him through what it was I was hearing and what it was I saw. I had been pretty calm until as I started explaining to him what I saw I melted. My poor father didn't see it coming (or maybe he did) but he calmly walked me through a way of getting me past that 'emotional nuclear meltdown' into seeing what the problem was specificially. Getting away from the emergency of the situation as I saw it, to looking at it from a critical 'is this really an emergency'? Im not really sure how he did it, but the long and the short of it is this, I had a problem I saw it as the house was falling apart but my father calmly got me to see that it was simply just another problem. The problem was this, the valve in the shower when turned to the shower causes water to drip out of the pipe. Not a seriously horrible problem, but a problem. One that could be 10 times worse. My father pointed out it could simply be that a pipe needs to be rethreaded....I laughed at him and said, "dad I won't believe its that simple. Nothing with this house is ever that simple, Ill think we have to rip apart the bathroom wall, and in the small chance we don't I wont be disappointed if we do." Around midnight Wednesday I finally fell aspleep.

Thursday morning came and went quickly. I rushed the kids to school and started getting things done around here. Around 2 I get a call from Andrew. Very unusual, he is still in school and by the time I find my cell phone he's hung up. A few minutes later I get another call. "Mom, the school is being evacuated!" My hearts already been put through a meat grinder the day before, I wasn't prepared for this. "Andrew, I quickly say, what's going on?" " Mom there is a fire and they are evacuating the building." Click. OK, my son isn't one for many words, and he isn't one to hang up on me, so I know something is going on and he isn't in control of things right now. It's hard when faced with the realization as a parent you can't be in complete control of your children. It's hard enough when they get to the age and start having their own opinions, but when something like this takes place and you simply can't be there to assist them, it's difficult at best. A few minutes later I call one of the ladies I carpool with and arrange to have Jess picked up from the other school so I can head out to pick up the boys. I get a quick call from the other mom to find out her son is out of the building already and they are getting the kids organized and moved over to a Walgreens. I don't want to overwhelm my son, I could hear the fear in his voice when I talked to him, so I calmly head on over to Escondido.

As I near the area the fire becomes very apparent, I can even see the flames leaping in the air on the freeway drive over that direction. I get another call finally from Andrew that he is safely over at Walgreens and where am I? I can smile about that now, because I know at that moment all he wanted to see was me and for me to get him out of the area. It took time driving through all the traffic in the area to avoid the fire zone and get to where the kids were. The fire started to look like a tornado at one point and jumped into another building. The moment I got the kids into the car my heart was 'safe' again. The fire had been just a few yards down the road at a huge new condominium complex. The principal at this small high school made great decisions that day in getting the kids out of the school. My son was still shaking when I picked him up. The boys all seemed to relax teasing about which new greasy taco stand was going to be the next building to go up in flames. I got to be mom in a way that day in a way I can't really describe. I think hero in some ways might be the closest explanation to what Im trying to say. My son needed me, and I was there. When we need each other, it's a wonderful feeling to know that you can count on those you need to be there.

a.k.a. M&M

Ten years ago this morning Emily Anne came screaming into this world. Hard for me to believe I have another daughter who has entered the world of double digits!

Emily is my middle daughter and special in so many ways. She was born a year after I miscarried another child. I remind myself of this fact often when struggling with her that while I am struggling I wouldn't have had her had I not lost the other child. Emily is so much like me.

Six weeks after Emily came into this world she almost left it. She had been crying in her crib and all of a sudden she stopped dead quiet. The sound left me bothered, hard to explain why the sound of your child not crying would bother me, but it did all the same. I ran into her room to find her laying there blue. Tears pouring down my face as I lifted her into my arms and then she started to scream again. Not a single word can I muster up to tell you what that did for my heart. For 6 months after Emily was put on an Apnia monitor to keep track of her sleep cycles. This allowed me to eventually fall asleep again while she slept, but it was a rough 6 months.

I can recall the visit to Children's Hospital with her six months later in vivid detail. The doctor looked at her square in the face and then sat down and said to me. Oh yeah, she's a fighter she doesn't need to be on this device any longer. Little did I know how acurate that doctor would be in describing my daughters personality so perfectly.

Emily is out there in your face defiant at times. I believe when dealing with a child like this you have to call yourself lucky. I know that doesn't seem to make sense but honestly you know exactly where she stands all the time. If she is happy, you know she is happy, if she is angry, you hear the anger, if she is selfish, you hear the results of her selfish acts. Nothing is hidden under the surface. Emily became my 'shining' example of so many topics I later did workshops for mothers on. Through the tears of my struggle as a young mother many learned through the battles I had with this little 2 and 3 year old girl. You always know whats up with her. I call this a blessing. Emily in my life is a blessing to me.

Emily was named after the two most influential women in my life when she was born. Emilie Barnes and Anne Marie Ezzo.

Forgiveness

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. " Martha Gandhi

I'll be honest, Im struggling with this again. The realization kind of has hit me upside of the head over the weekend. Things between me and my ex haven't been as 'calm and peaceful' as I would like. Do I hold to high of expectations, where it comes to him still? Do I visualize an existance after a 'divorce' that just can't happen?

This week while I was struggling Dennis was the first one to point me in the direction that I was holding onto bitterness where it comes to my ex. I started really thinking about this and then the sermon this week, half of it was based on foregiveness and it rang home in my heart. Then again last night it happened again, I opened the book I have been slowly reading (not because it isn't good, but because it is so good I want to implement what Im learning before snow plowing through the text). As I opened up the book "Strong Woman, Soft Heart" I opened up to where I had left off, chapter 8, Forgiveness" Experiencing a Heart Set Free. I fell on my knees after reading this and prayed that this struggle would be removed from me. Why is it so hard to let go of that pain? I know what the scriptures say about an unforgiving heart. I know it in my head, but applying it to day by day life after you are hurt by someone in a way almost unthinkable is difficult. It helped me reading what unforgiveness looked like to Paula Rinehart:

"Sometimes I try to picture what unforgiveness would look like in my heart if I could actually see its presence. I suspect it looks like a cement. A dark, sticky cement that shuts down my heart, piece by little piece, and turns it into something as hard as stone. I am not aware of this happening, of course, because everything still works and I am still moving through life. But there is less of me to offer others, less of me that can really respond to God. My heart has shriveled in some hidden buy very hard way. "

I don't want to be remembered in this life here as a woman who struggled with bitterness, hurt and pain. Who walked her life struggling with unforgiveness she couldn't trust her heart to not be broken again. I want to LOVE life and those apart of my life with the fullness God gives us the ability to do so. I know that if I am struggling with forgiving my ex in any way, then others around me will feel those effects of it. The cost of that fact alone is unexceptable to me. Maybe its true after you have been hurt in some ways as I was with my ex I will struggle with the effects of it the rest of my life. I suppose I can live with that fact as long as I continue to trust that the Lord is continuing to teach me and help me grow through each ugly rearing of unforgivness. I want to be remembered as a woman to LOVED life and those around her fully. Who continually gave of herself but with the Lord's help not on her own accord. I want to be remembered for my smile not my frown. I want to be remembered for my laugh not my tears.

What has happened to us?

It occured to me after leaving Starbucks this morning (after hitting the gym that is, --for some odd reason I feel impowered to HAVE starbucks coffee after going to the gym) that we live in a day and age that when someone extends a common courtesy such as holding the door open for the next person behind you, we are put in such a state of shock and dismay we almost don't know how to say thank you. This was the case today. As I was leaving Starbucks I held the door open for the woman behind me who seemed shocked more then words can describe.

Neek recently brought it to my attention that if a woman is crossing the road a man driving a car will be more likely to stop and allow a woman to cross the road then he would be for a man. If you put a woman behind that same vehicle and keep the sex the same on the road, she WONT stop for the other woman. Thats just SAD.

Years ago in the parenting classes we were teaching in the series "Growing Kids Gods Way" there was a few illustrations of this that we would teach off of. Teaching our children to stand up inside of a bus if an elderly person enters the bus and allow them your seat. (this is difficult to teach in this day and age when the majority of us don't use public transportation .. for simple saftey reasons) The idea of respecting our elders was what we were trying to impart. We would also teach the idea of putting away the grocery cart after filling your car with groceries and not just leaving it by the side of the car. This illustration surprisingly enough would cause major debates. People would struggle seeing that their 'Christianity was at question' for simply not putting away a grocery cart. Of course this wasn't the idea, the idea was to teach our children to be 'others' sensitive and the best way our children can learn is from our example. If we consider others....in this case others vehicles more precious then the 30 seconds of our time to return the shopping cart we are putting others ahead of our selves. A simple illustration, but one that still caused more debates then one could imagine.

I am still shocked when I am treated by a man with what some may call 'old fashioned' ideas. When a man holds the door open for me I almost don't know what to say. I do teach my son this, but for 13 years of my marriage I usually watched the door slam in front of my face. I can remember being on a date a couple of years ago with a man who insisted on walking on the street side of the sidewalk. I didn't understand why until he explained it to me, and again I was shocked to think of someone thinking of me before himself. When I watch Dennis inside of his 'monster' truck get down and quickly walk around to hold the door open to my side of the truck I can't help but smile. He holds the chair for me when I sit down, another one of those simple 'old fashioned' ideas that saddens me to think in a few years the majority of our culture will fad away, unless we the few the simple make an effort to show our children the importances of these simple actions. To think of that small effort required to put a smile on another face, is it really that much of us to ask?

Organized or avoiding what NEEDS to be done

This was a small debate Dennis and I got into the other night. I was well, faultering in my ability to see straight with school about to start back up and all the activities the children participate in all in full swinging action. I was telling him I was seriously thinking I was going to need a 'PDA' in order to stop my head from hurting trying to remember all that the kids were a part of. His comment to me :) "Jenice, you are not GETTING it, you need to stop adding more things instead of figuring out how to organize yourself so you WILL add more things to your schedule" I'm going to stop right here and just say something. It is VERY unnerving when someone has figured me out better then I know myself! The moment he stated that fact I stopped and was 'speechless' and for those of you who know me, well that just DOESN'T happen very often. He was and is right, however, I still had to go shopping on Monday after a migrane set in and I realized looking over the Musical Theater schedule there was just no way I could keep it straight in my head without simply loosing my mind (for those of you thinking I already have....:P well :P) So today I have spent the past 2 - 3 hours trying to plug in all the information, and honestly I have to still keep taking breaks because trying to figure it all out and where to even begin is overwhelming....but I am now officially a MOTHER in the 21st or 22nd -(which century are we in anyway????) with my fun new calendar!

The Need for Rest

You Calm my fears
You hold me near
Draw me closer to you
I give my life to you

New Years, new beginnings, a time for peace and a time for rest. It always takes me by surprise how completely exhausted I am each year after Christmas. This year has been no different. In fact with the trip following Christmas I think I have been even more tired. Each evening I have been trying to stop and watch a movie, but find myself waking up middle of the night with a crook in my neck, the television sounding like a broken record as it restarts the beginning over and and over and freezing my bottom off. The moment I hit my pillow and stop it seems my body decides I need sleep. Rest, rest, rest has been the advice from one good friend to another. Lovely thought, just one that I have a hard time implementing. Four children for one thing, this keeps me on my toes. Their needs never ending, and me with a servants heart. This weekend I have had one crossing thought after another about projects I want to dive in and enjoy. But I think I will force myself to rest.

Rebecca St. James song is one that makes me always stop to reflect, stop to think, stop and Rest in Him.

How lovely is Your dwelling place
Oh, Lord Almighty
For my soul longs and even faints for You
For here my heart is satisfied
Within Your presence
I sing beneath the shadow of Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

One thing I ask and I would seek
To see Your beauty
To find You in the place Your glory dwells

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

Strength or Weakness?

Four years ago marked the begining of the change of path I lead today. I've been acting as a 'single' and 'single parent' for a bit over four years. Nothing really worthy of noting, but its been on my mind. On my drive home I was talking to my eldest daughter. She was telling me about how close she felt Amanda, her 14 year old step sister, was to excepting Christ into her life. It is a passion of Ashley's to help Amanda lead a different life then that of her mother. She wants her to be a different person and not end up hurting people or being the same kind of individual. That makes me tear up when I think about how great of a passion this is of my daughters after the life we have led.

During this this conversation she says to me, 'wouldn't it be cool if Amanda could go to Awanas this week with me?" My tender heart could't resist but to say, 'yes you should ask her to go "-- and then with a quick reflection of knowing her dad wouldn't want to come back 2 hours later to pick her up, I stated "and maybe she could spend the night" I think I heard my daughters mouth hit the floor on the other end of the phone.

I haven't met my children't step mother. She has been ever present since the day my ex husband walked out on us, but I have had absolutely no desire to meet her. Honestly for months after he left us, I would park my car so that he would have to park outside in the dirt, for not wanting to have her anywhere near my home. I wouldn't call her by her name, she was referred to as 'whats her face' and the mention of her in any form would cause a range within my heart to grow.

Since this time I have grown. But one aspect still remains. I haven't met her yet. For some they can't understand how I could not want to meet the woman that occasionally helps raise my children. Honestly I know this is an area of growth within me the Lord is working on. While talking to Dennis the other night I told him...."Im ashamed of the fact that I don't have the 'strength' to meet this woman." He assured me that it was'nt a matter of strength, it was simply who I am and that if needing someone there by my side was what I needed, then that was what I needed and to not judge myself for feeling weak. I still struggle though.

Amanda came and joined us last night. I didn't go to the front door to meet her or her mother, if she had been there. I was busy on the computer ordering pizza for the kids. "Thats my story and Im sticking to it!" I need to face this fear and struggle, I need to allow Christ to carry this burden of mine. One thing I decided months ago was to not have the children carry the sins of their parents. Having Amanda in my home isn't a threat to me, she is a child, one who needs to know who Christ is....and "What would Jesus do" in this exact situation?

An honest reflection of my weakness.

Reflections of Christmas

Can you believe its the New Year? I am having a difficult time jumping back in and running full speed ahead again. Christmas was its usually mad, crazy, rush of fun. The kids and I headed up to mom and dad's on Christmas Eve after picking my grandmother up from the Assisted Living home she is now at. I had spent the week prior cooking, wrapping and second guessing weather I had bought enough since I had finished my shopping very early this year.

Christmas Eve was wonderful in its usual tradition. With thick German blood in my family we have always celebrated both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a family. In years past we had tried a variety of ways on how we got together but since I have been single again the usual 'game' plan leaves me packing like crazy and spending the night on mom and dad's sofa. We did the same this year. The biggest difference was on Christmas day.

Dennis's arrangement with his kids are a bit different and this year he wasn't going to have his kids on Christmas day. Being the soppy sentimentalist I couldn't have that for him, so he flew out and I ran down to the airport on Christmas Day to pick him up. Ill admit I had NO idea so many people flew out of town on this holiday and it was far more crowded then I would have expected. We grabbed a cup of coffee together and then headed back up to mom and dad's. I need to add the temperature when I picked him up.....a nice balmy 84 degrees!!!!!!! Grrr

We spent the rest of the day at mom and dad's and then headed back home after packing everything back up. The day then was unpacking, cooking a quick meal and falling asleep as soon as possible. The next day the kids left. The week long breaks the kids have with their father both in summer and winter 'suck'. Im sorry for the language, but honestly there is just no other way to describe it. Tears running down my face we watched the kids pull away and leave. Dennis gave me a nice hug and reassured me the week would go quickly. He was right, in many ways it did. We headed back out to Arizona shortly after and I spent the remaining time the kids were gone with him and his family in Arizona. I met his dad and his wife for the first time after their drive out from Colorado and spent the next few days while Dennis had to work getting to know them better. It was a great treat. The day they left, his kids came home. Funny thing was it made me miss mine all the more. I don't really know why, but its almost harder when his kids are there and mine aren't. Maybe its the stark reality that mine are not there that makes it all the more obvious. Yesterday I returned home, in the midst of all the other holiday traffic. The kids beat me by a few minutes and then we got to cuddle the remainder of the night.

I'm beat, exhausted and wore out....are there any other words that might descibe this? Not sure :) but today the Christmas decorations came down and slowly we return to 'normalicy' .... whatever that may mean. The greatest treat of the week though......waking up snow sitting on the convertible! The car leaked, that wasn't so great, but the snow was fabulous! Dennis didn't find it as amusing as I did, being that he is more use to it and does'nt enjoy it. What's the deal with always wanting what we can't have? If we have snow we hate it, if we don't we dream of it? But I did get to build my snowman and throw snowballs.....what more could I have hoped for!