Christmas is here?

I've come to the conclusion that there is just one way to avoid the 'stress' associated with Christmas..........avoid the stores. In fact, each time I run into an instance like yesterday it makes me all the more happy for the ability to shop over the internet and avoid dealing with 'idiotic' (excuse my french) customer service employees at the mall. And so with my now cooled off composure......I add yet another store I will NOT be shopping at again.

Late Spring I picked up a new bathing suit before getting together with Dennis in Laughlin. Since I was still in the 'newness' jitters of being with him, I wanted to impress and couldn't for the life of me decide on a suit. So I did what most women do, over shopped! That led me to yesterday.

Ever so often I realize there are things I need to return to the stores and Ill make it a 'return day'. That was yesterday, a day to return things. So that leads me to the suit. I had picked up the suit in the spring. The receipt stated clearly you have 90 days to return for a full refund. My heart sank, I had spent $56 dollars on the 'top' half of the suit. (I know for those men who read this....don't ask why you would spend $56 dollars on a bathing suit top........you just wouldn't get it) Anyway, so I sat there thinking....man you should have returned this sooner. I turned the receipt over and read the fine print...and my heart leaped forward....Lands End items can be returned at any time for a completely full refund. Yeah!!! That $56 dollar return will pay my gas bill next week to head out to Arizona! OK so off to Sears I headed.

I get up to the counter and hand over the receipt and the 'teenage' clerk starts typing in the receipt and I can tell she is struggling with it. I ponder weather or not to mention its over the 90 days, but no Ill let her figure it out. This was about 1 oclock. (the time is important!) OK, so she struggles and calls for her CSM -customer service manager, for help. She calls 2 more times and .. still no reply. Ok , so she calls someone by the name of Kathy. She tells Kathy over the phone the issue, she scans in the receipt and she gets merchandise not on the receipt. She types it in and it comes up invalid. All of a sudden a bell goes off, oh its the date. I say, yes but your return policy states with Lands End products you can return anytime. She repeats to the customer service manager, so apparently agrees with me. The clerk however is ... well for lack of better description, clueless. OK, so I wait for the CSM to come out and help her. I wait 5 min or so, it is now 1:10. Finally she comes out, takes my drivers license and receipt and leaves me sitting there at the counter--pushed off over to the side of the counter waiting. OK, I get a call from Dennis and he helps keep me distracted for about 15 minutes and then I realize while I am talking to him, how much time has gone by and still she hasn't returned. I get off the phone and ask her to find out what is going on. It is now 1:30. The CSM comes back out and describes the problem, she can't get the product to accept a full refund price only the last price it was available at the store....roughly $11. OK, so now Im getting a little bit bothered. She takes my credit card and heads back. Ten more minutes go by and still no reply or comment or well evidence I am being taken care of. I ask, and Ill admit with a little bit of attitude and louder voice, what the heck is happening and why am I not being taken care of? The 'new' clerk that has taken over the spot asks me to lower my voice and not to bother the other customers. OK, that did it! I look at her and say, I will not, I have been sitting here now 45 minutes, and she has my drivers license, my credit card and where the heck is she? OK I could go on, but it just gets my blood pressure going again. Finally the next level up CSM comes out, hands me my cash and tells me she doesn't want to see me in 'her' store again if I bother 'her' customers the way I do.

OK, Now I ask anyone who knows me................am I out of line thinking that there is just something wrong with that picture? Mind you it was afte 2 pm when I left the store.

Dennis thinks I should write a letter to the store. Im so ticked off with the store I dont want to deal with them again, but maybe he is right. I honestly don't get angry very often, well almost never, but after that.........I was ANGRY. And this store expects to live through Christmas? I ask you how..........I wonder how, arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

What to do with a Lazy Weekend?

It happens once in a while, not very often, but once in a while I am given a gift I just don't know what to do with. This weekend is just that. A weekend with nothing planned. I am hoping by sitting here and typing a blog it will jump start me in writing so I can actually get some writing done for my book, but for now here I am.

The kids have been with their father this weekend. The house is quiet and I have had NO plans. Strange feeling, not being needed, not being asked to take someone somewhere, drive somewhere, to wash something, bake something or cook something to .....not be 'needed'.

Yesterday I watched The Matix series again while scrubbing the floors, carpets, dusting, ironing and chasing the puppy around. It helped keep the 'lonely' feeling at bay. Church last night was wonderful, but this morning, I can't seem to chase the 'lonely' feeling away. While being needed 24 7 can be overwhelming at times, not being needed is well........just that, not being needed......sorta, sad.

But I won't sit here and wallow. Having Dennis in my life has helped, I know he knows what Im struggling with and has called and texted me quiet often to keep me smiling. Next weekend can't get here fast enough....another weekend without the kids, but Ill be in Arizona, it won't feel lonely. But for now I sit here, thoughts filling my head but struggling to get them out on paper. Strange, how we can long for the time to sit and write and yet when we are given just that we don't know what to do with it. I suppose that is a lesson in itself, to be greatful for each day and what it is, not reflect on what it isn't and make the most of each moment we are given. Hmm way to mature of a thought, I take it back I take it back :P

Flying and Crashing

Gazing out the window from my grandmothers study to get away from the reality of what was happening, my eyes wandered over to the huge date palm tree that sits in the back yard. As I was watching it my eyes got misty and begin to see a 10 year old girl swinging from one of the hanging dead palm branches screaming, squealing, giggling, laughing harder and harder ....higher, higher and then suddenly ..............creak, snap, crash.... the branch broke off and that girl with the long brown hair flew high in the air and landed promptly on her rear.

Laughing as hard as I could I was in pain but the pain of the fall couldn't match the fun of flying high in the air before gravity finally took hold and down I went. Isn't that the way life is, the higher and higher we get, ultimately we have to come crashing down, or tumbling down, and sometimes if we are really lucky.....rolling down. Its the landing that is the toughest part, but how we choose those branches, can often mean the difference between a hard landing and a softer one.

Packing up my grandmother to move her into an assisted living arrangement is harder then I could have imagined. I can't even begin to think what it will be like the day I have to figure out something for my parents, that leaves me so grateful that they are still young enough I can hope that I have a long time before worring about that.

What has become more and more evident to me as I process all the emotions that are and have been going on in my mind that my grandmother moving out of her home, off this hillside my familiy lived on for so many years, that its time to move on myself. I have found a bit of 'security' wrapped up in living in the same area I have always lived in. Knowing my neighbors, knowing that I grew up with their children and having the schools I went to just around the bend. My life was turned upside down 4 years ago, but I have a sense of peace living where I have lived. Its become more and more evident to me though as the months have gone by that the advice a friend gave me years ago, to move out of this home, and start fresh is something I need to face. Something Im getting closer to facing. Something the Lord has been preparing me to face. And now, something I am now ready to face. I have faced one challenge after another since my ex walked out on us. Each one of those challenges has made me a much stronger person in ways I didn't know I was weak. Having security based on where you live isn't something we should base our security on. The Lord has shown me that over and over again.

So my family moves on, has been moving on, and now its time that I face that 'fear' and prepare to move on too.So here I am Lord. Ready to move where you will move me, ready to follow you where you lead me.

Mulligan

Im choosing to by pass talking about today, Im still to emotional over the day's events to spend more time thinking about it, so for now Ill choose to skip backwards to yesterday.

Yesterday started another session of my intermediate level class in tennis. I think for now Im stuck at this level, but its a nice level to be stuck at. I can finally play the game well enough to say, "yeah I can play tennis!" and not sink inside thinking to myself, that is if I am really lucky and you are a horrible player. I have really takin a liking to playing on Wednesday mornings. Yes the majority of the other players are all retired "grandpas" but we do have a couple of other females now my age also playing and there is just something that grows on you seeing that you can put a smile on an older man's face.....kind of like the smile I can put on my own grandfathers face. This week coach had us doing another drill I hadn't done in the past. The goal was to focus on each other's backhand (ooof) and run in after serving and volley near the net.....(double ooof). I get nailed when Im by the net toooo often. It was a running joke last week that all but two of the men playing had nailed me..........NAILED me! I seriously have had welts the last few weeks playing, but I don't complain (too much :) )

So we are playing this drill and for the life of me I couldn't understand the rules. That was ok, it seemed the men on the first group I was playing with also couldn't understand them. They had me laughing so hard at times I should have been hit by the ball. See it seems to me that men are more sticklers when it comes to playing by the rules (in sports anyway), women, well we just choose to ignore them :P Usually if he teams all the women up together, we will forgo scoring, why bother it gives us a headache trying to figure it out, so we play for a bit and then well switch sides. More fun that way! These men, no they didn't like that suggestion when I offered it.....go figure! So we finally figured out the rules, then my partner Nick at one point calls a Mulligan, that did it. Distracted me so Yep, I got nailed. Mulligan I asked, after rubbing my thigh, whats a Mulligan? A do over...he replied. In Golf its called a Mulligan, news to me, I didn't remember that there was any times you could "officially" have a do over in golf, but in tennis sure.

So I left the court that morning thinking about "a mulligan" and how that applies to life....... Wouldn't it be sweet if we could have say 3 Mulligan's in our lifetime. Three times in which we could 'do events over'. Instead of 3 wishes, 3 Mulligans.....hmmmm so what would I choose to do over?

This is what I came up with:

• In third grade: I wouldn't dare Jimmy whats his name to throw a rock at my Holly Hobby Lunch box and thus have to carry a dented lunch box to school the rest of the year.
• In 9th grade: I think for those who know me thats a bit obvious, I wouldnt have met Mike at his house that afternoon.
• The last one stumped me....I figured I would pick something from my early childhood to redo, my teen years to redo (since saying my entire teenage period isn't well, realistic) and so that leaves my adulthood so far. What would be the last thing I would redo? Id have to say after thinking it over hard Id redo how I handled recovering from my divorce the first two years. Id have made better choices, financially, relationally, and well allowed more people to help.

The picture above, is one of my assignments in class....

Dear Santa,
Last weekend Dennis and test drove this..............


Would it be too much to ask for it under the tree this year?






Yes yes I do still believe in Santa in a strangely 'peach' way. I was 12 when my mother sat me down and gave me the entire facts of life speech, and oh by the way there really isn't a santa, tooth fairy or easter bunny. (pout) Too much for this little peach to handle, so in a way I refuse to believe there is no santa..........When the movie Santa Claus with Tim Allen came out, it just answered all my questions..........so now I know how Santa gets down into my house without a real chimney! :) (yes it is a common thought that I am losing my mind!) :P

A snapshot in time with my dad

Today I had one of those moments, one that you hold dear to your heart, that made me take the time out to stop and want to write about it. But, first let me go back a bit.

Over the weekend, on Saturday that is, we decided to hit the beach. Great, except they were saying a possible chance of rain......took me a bit by surprise, we don't usually have this kind of weather this time of year, but then again, this hasn't been any sort of a 'typical' year. So out we headed and sure enough, downpour of rain the entire drive until we hit the coast, fortunately it was clear. I didn't really stop to think too much about the rain, I wasn't home to really think about it. Until, Sunday. After Dennis and the kids headed home, I had a bit to do in cleaning up. Plus I had Emily's trip stuff to still put away. I went into my room and pulled down the large suitcase to put the smaller one inside and upon doing so, I got my head splashed with water. Ha Ha you think, let me just add that Ashley and I had just been talking about how nice it had been that it was over a year since we have had a flood. The humor of that fact, didn't escape me as I became away, my ROOF was leaking.

Called my mom right away, this was before I knew that my dad's surgery was scheduled just around the corner, and let her know I needed their flood control service 'Yet again!' I could hear her voice drop, I assured her I was being dramatic and just wanted Dad's opinion of what to do. They decided to reseal the vents on top and that might easily solve the problem. So that leads us to today.

Today my mom, aunt and dad were over. Nice, nice to spend time with my family just out of the blue, in the middle of the week. My mom and aunt didn't stay as long as my dad, but still it was nice. My dad had decided he could handle going up on the roof, much to mom's hesitation, but he said he could. He also decided he wanted to take this opportunity to teach Andrew how to do this for me. I completely agreed. So up they went, and I got to keep my feet promptly on the nice ground. Afterwards, Andrew needed to interview my dad for his school project. He needed someone to interview that used math in their daily work activies. Being that my dad was a mechanical engineer up until a couple of years ago when they retired and has a few pantents under his belt he was a perfect pick for my son. So in my livingroom I sat listening to my son interview my dad. I could see my son lighting up with his interest level as my father talked about what he had done for so many years, working on those seals for the oil refinery's all over the world. My son was full of questions, from how in the world we get gas, to how can we possibly get all sorts of fuel from crude oil. Honestly, I learned a lot just listening to them. It was one of those perfect sort of snapshots you want to just hold as close to your heart as you can when you think back about those moments in time that mean so much to you. My dad talked a little about the upcoming procedure, I could tell he is nervous, which makes me nervous since my dad is always confident. But for today, Ill just hold onto this moment in time!

EMOTIONS! or is it Emotional?

Emotional.......yep that about sums me up. One word says it all. No, not in a bad way, but in a way that has me tear up quickly, thinking non stop, and well hmmm tender.

So much going on has my head spinning. First after another wonderful weekend, Dennis is gone. Arrrgh, it doesn't get any easier, in fact its harder in some ways. While I think Im dealing with it better then I ever have, its still difficult. And what do I have to complain about? I get to see him again this weekend! I was sitting there thinking earlier and it hit me, I even have someone I can spend New Years with this year...........What the heck are you emotional about Jenice? Its been 4 lonely years since I have had someone to spend this holiday with.....don't loose it now! But thats just the most recent of everything going on.

This weekend my daughter turns 13! Not that this should be a shock to me, shes more a teenager then my son who has been a teenager for almost 3 years is. But officially she gets the title of a "Teenager". Dennis is flying out to help "keep me sane" ha ha. At first it was going to be a co-ed party. I had decided not to fight her on this. However, much to my surprise, her friends vetoed the idea and said they wouldn't come if she invited the guys from her class........until today, Andrew has invited a friend to come over and torment her along with him....Good! :) So this weekend we will be celebrating her birthday Hawian/California Luau style!

Then on top of this, my dad is going in for surgery on Tuesday. They discovered a hole in his heart, something he apparently had since birth and that has been whats caused the mini strokes. So, naturally, Im a little worried. And finally, my grandmother. My mom and aunt made the decision to move her into assisted living. That means selling her place, and that means, Ill be the last one on this hill from my family. Sad, my grandfather lived on this hill, till he died, my grandmother lives on this hill, my parents lived on this hill until my son or around that time was born and they moved out to the country....and me, Im still here. Probably not for long, but in a way its kind of sad, a heritage, a piece of my past, a piece of who I am, was and were, closing down.

Brady Bunch Weekend

Here's the story of a lovely lady

Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.

Here's the store, of a man named Brady,
Who was busy with three boys of his own,
They were four men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.

Till the one day when the lady met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That this group would somehow form a family.
That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch,

That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
The Brady Bunch.

I couldn't help myself :) while that suits the last weekend it really doesn't sum it all up. Eight children 2 adults, non stop fun. At first I wasn't sure how it all would come together. My home is so small and really there isn't that much room to fit another family into it, but, we made it work. A day at Knotts, a day at the beach and plenty of fun inbetween. My house honestly feels empty now only having 4 children. Funny isn't it, how something may look overwhelming to begin with but ends up being simpler then you thought. I did learn a few things.

• A dish washer would be a MUST for a family of this size. Paper plates I couldn't have lived it without you!
  
• Hot water, hmm I don't know if there really is a water heater around that could keep enough hot water for this many, so Hot water on demand would be required.
• Food, Oh my..........My home was busting at the seams before Thursday, today...Monday? Well, where did it all go?
  
• Shoes, shoes shoes........do I need to say more?
• Bathrooms.........with 6 girls in the midst, I dare say 2 is NOT enough :)
  

A bit more work, but the fun outweighed the work, sigh. Why do fun weekends always have to come to an end?

They Grow Up WAY to fast!

Today has been another completely insane Tuesday. Non stop driving, non stop doing. During the mix of craziness one of the things I did was to drive my 9 year old daughter to the airport and watch her head off with her 4th grade class for a 3 day trip to Sacramento/San Fransico California History field trip. Arrrgh.....it was much much MUCH harder for mom (me) then it was her. In fact she was almost begging me to leave her at the airport and not watch her go through security. Something about watching someone walk away in the airport is very difficult for me. I wish you could capture the sweetness of being needed as a parent.

Im not sure exactly when it happens but somewhere between the age of 8 and 9 then decide they are old enough and independent enough. I drove over to the kids school after for a conference with my youngest teacher. Jessica saw me drive up, she was at lunch, and yelled across the parking lot.......HI MOMMY! My heart lunged. I was needed, wanted not discarded trash pushed outside of the airport doors. You laugh, but its true. I do really believe we should maybe change that 'no coffee' for younger children in order to stunt their growth, to keep them sweet and little, life would be so much simpler! Thursday Dennis will be driving in with his kids so I will have someone to drive with me late at night to pick her up at the airport. My house will burst at the seems after feeling empty as it does tonight only missing one kid. I love being a mom, but somedays it just hurts to let them grow up!

Quiet and Empty Nights

"Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid."

by Frances in Under the Tuscan Sun

These nights alone when the children are gone and I have no plans leave me in a mood thats hard to explain. Depressed, you might think, no no longer. Angry, no, of what? No, the mood that having the house all to yourself, leaves me simply sort of sad. A couple of weeks ago it hit me hard that I am a single woman and have been for some time now. A small light bulb went off, and it was as if I could step away from myself and completely look at who I am today, and where I was at. Self reflections some might say. I don't think until now I've really been able to do that. The pain of betrayal, the pain of the divorce backed up by a constant state of survival, I don't think I could really look at who I was and am until now.

Tonight I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun" again. This movie I watched a few years ago right after my ex walked out on me. It gave me a small lift of spirit. Tonight I watched it again and I was once again encouraged to do more. I struggle, I struggle with the desire to live this life I see pictured in my head. A happy marriage, kids running around, grandchildren around the corner, sitting in a swing hanging from a porch, loved. An image, a wish, a strong desire of what I would call happiness. I've worked so hard to get myself 'whole' once again. I've worked so hard at rebuilding my shattered life. I've put my focus on Christ and what He wants for me. But still Ill admit, I wish............

During the movie Frances falls apart (well a few times, but that part I completely understand), at this point she has a new home, a Villa in Tuscany. Shes left her home in the States and moved to Italy, she has a 3 bedroom home, and feels so alone. Her friend Martini comforts her by sharing with her an illustration that was for me a huge comfort. "Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come. " My life doesn't feel so empty today. I have my children (most of the time), a man that I love dearly, and a life I want to live to the fullest. My life is just beginning. My life has huge potential to come. Its the waiting, the waiting thats so difficult, especially during these quiet and empty nights.

My Oma

On the drive home Monday I received a call from my mother. I had been curious the prior Thursday seeing her drive around to visit my grandmother while I was getting ready to take the kids to school that morning. My grandmother (Oma) doesn't get up very early in the morning any more), so I had called that day to check with my mother to see what was up. She assured me nothing and that she was having a CAT scan and nothing more. See I was already aware things weren't so well with her and this didn'nt alarm me too much. So on the drive home my mother calls. She lets me know that well actually Oma was admitted into the hospital on Thursday to have tests run because she really wasn't doing well at all. Grrr family, more specifically the women of my family. I do realize that I fall into this category, but at times it can be frustrating to be the one on the other end. My mother told me she didn't want to spoil my weekend so she didn't tell me that day or on Friday so that I could get away and have fun. So my Oma has been in having countless tests run and they still haven't yet narrowed it down to what the problem is. That leaves me feeling guilty. She only lives around the corner from me, walking distance even. Lately I have been over a bit more then usual, but I fall short of what I should in visiting her.

Oma moved from Germany 58+ years ago on a ship after my grandfather had been shipped over after the war as one of the scientists scooped up. She traveled by ship with 4 children, my mom and aunt (twins) still in diapers. Moved out to a brand new country and had to learn to speak English. She was determined and did well after attending school and making the kids only speak English in the home. Around the time I was 12 years old it was discovered my Grandfather had been messing around with my grandmothers best friend who lived in the house across the road (owned by my grandparents). My grandmother was heartbroken. I can still remember the sounds of her crying those first few nights as she slept with us. She lived through this as she lived through the other hardships of being orphaned, through the wars, and the depression. She is a fighter. I'd like to think I get a bit of my personality from her. She has been there for me the past few years as I walk a similar one as her. The only difference being that I have children still in the home and she didn't. Her comment to me about moving on in my life and getting married one day again was, "I just don't know how you could trust again, Jenice?" I just looked at her and said, with the Lord on my side I have to Oma. I can't crawl back into a hole and not come out fearful of what may or may not happen.

My Oma is 88 years old, I know her time here is limited, as it is for all of us. I have a peace knowing that she loves the Lord and I know that she will be waiting up there for me one day too. For now though, I am commited to see her and love her more frequently no matter how hard it is to fit into my hectic schedule. People are more important then the events in our lives.

Knowing, isn't always knowing

To really know someone it takes time and desire to pay attention to the small details of who they are. A couple of weeks ago I texted Dennis a picture of the sunset just as it was setting. The one above, granted a cell phone doesn't have any ability to really capture a sunset, but its still pretty all the same. We had been having some really pretty ones and it caught my attention while I was driving. Yes I about swerved off the road trying to pull my cell phone out of its case to snap the photo but I caught it, or is it the sun setting caught me. Hmm I don't know. I sent it off to him and a couple of minutes later he texted me back, "That makes you happy". It brought tears to my eyes realizing he knew me. A week or so later he texted me several of the sun setting as he was heading home from work. This is one of those shots. Knowing someone is paying attention to those really small details are the things that make you realize you are cared about and understood. Knowing isn't always knowing.

Sunsets do make me happy. There is something absolutely magestic about watching a sunset. I use to think the prettiest place to watch the sunset was over the ocean, in the past few months I have seen the sun set in so many places Im not sure I still hold that same opinion. Watching the sunset in the valley between mountains, over the mountains, in the dessert, in the arms of someone you love, there isn't anything that comes close to that instant. Theres a finale about a sunset. No matter how bad, how hard, or how frustrated the day was, its over when the sunsets. If you have had a great, amazing, wonderful day, its as if the sunset is the grand finale like at a fireworks display, just when you think it couldn't get any better then all of a sudden it does. God's signature each day, the sun setting.