Merry Christmas

With my upcoming long trip to Arizona and with the holidays here upon us it will be a bit before I have chance to write again. Merry Christmas to all! Keep in mind this quote from Chris's sermon last night: Christmas isn't about what's under the tree its about WHO died on the tree.

Lights! Camera! Emotion!

Tonight the kids and I did our annual tradition of dropping off the 'mystery' stocking at my girl friends home and then driving around to look at the lights. Something not so 'traditional' took place along this drive.

The kids started rehashing the years gone by. Christmas's long ago, more specifically the one that started us on our present path...four years ago. That December four years ago we had had our trip to Maui and the kids were remembering what it was like to see Christmas, or the beginnings of Christmas in Hawaiian style. They remembered the trip, and the fact it was the last 'family' trip we made....and that began the strand of long winded questions....

"Why did daddy decide to divorce you mommy?" "What if daddy wasn't married would you still love him," "Mom, how can you make sure when you get married that you don't marry someone who will divorce you?" "Mom, do you still love daddy?" "If daddy, didn't do what he did, would you still love him?"

This conversation took me by surprise. I'm not really sure what prompted it, besides knowing the kids will be heading off in a few days to spend their week long winter break with their father. I think the knowledge that there may be a lot more changes in the near future taking place also prompted this conversation, but maybe it was just time we had this conversation to clear the air. I was even surprised after a while when my son spoke up. I had been thinking he was probably thinking to himself...man why do these girls have to dig this all up for mom again. But I was wrong. His comment to me was, "Yeah, I remember not really being able to say anything, feeling kind of numb, not sure what to say or feel" I realize for a almost 15 year old son, this is a huge thing to 'cough' up. My son watched his dad, his 'hero' in life, turn into something he would never want to be. My son is blessed with an uncanny ability to see things as black and white. He knows what the scriptures say, and knows what his dad did was wrong. I don't think I will ever really grasp how much the actions of my ex effected my son. I'm just thankful for tonight though and the opportunity it gave my children to open up -with me- and talk. It wasn't easy, but I feel closer to them.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas?

For 38 years this has been a dream of mine. To experience a Christmas with a white blanket covering the ground outside of my home. As a child I would sit at the end of my bed, when I was really young, and pray that that night before Christmas that Santa or God or whoever might be listening would give me the greatest wish I wanted for Christmas....a ' snow covered' backyard. I haven't had that yet, and it won't be an experience Ill have this Christmas. As the years went on, I slowly realized that living in Southern California meant, no snow on Christmas. Granted in the past 30+ years it has snowed here...once...but Im no longer holding out for a 2nd time. I did wish for it to be cold and dreary outside, to rain to make you want to be stuck inside for Christmas. The majority of Christmas's here have been around 70 degree's. The tree's wither if not completely fall apart, if you were crazy enough to still buy a real one. And the fire place was only lit late at night, and only after my sister and I would beg to have it lit. Today things are a little different.

I still dream of what it would be like to wake up to a white Christmas. Last weekend while I was out in Payson, at church that morning the band played for the last song "Im dreaming of a white Christmas" I have never heard that song sung in church before, but it made tears well up in my eyes all the same.

The dream of a white Christmas isn't something I long for as I did as a child. A White Christmas may still be in the cards for me sometime in my life ahead. It is pretty amazing how we always want what we can't have, and so my children today carry the wish I carried for years, "We want it to snow for Christmas mom!" And I smile and say, "well we may have that one day, we may have that one day still." Dreams shouldn't ever be let go of, dreams are given to those of us who hope still in what the future may bring. I won't stop dreaming about a White Christmas, and I won't stop dreaming about what the Lord may still have in store for us ahead.

Where have Christmas Cards gone?

Have you noticed lately the recent decline in the sending off and receiving of Christmas cards? A few years ago it became all the rage to create a 'family' picture and have it created into a 'card' and mail that as the Christmas card. I think its a shame. Christmas cards to me represent that one small time you sit down to write out a greeting to those you don't always have the time to connect with. Even a 'bulk' letter lets those who mean something to you know you wanted them to know what is taking place in your lives.

In years past, during the period of time where I was still married, I must have sent off 3 or 4 boxes of Christmas cards each year. Cards to families we had ministered to in the ministries we had been involved in, cards to those Bill had connection with in business and then all the usual close friends and family. The first year alone I didn't have the heart to send out cards. The year after I was a walking zombie in some ways and decided to utilize the full excuse of my 'situation' and not send out cards, but come that 3rd year the guilt started to set in and I did send out cards. A family picture? No, not one of me and the kids, it brings tears to my eyes just seeing pictures of me back then when you could see the emptiness in my eyes, but of the kids I did send out a card, one of those 'picture cards'.

Last year, with my feet firmly back on the ground I did get boxes of cards sent out once again, not in the same quantity of the past but I did manage to get cards out to those who I felt really needed to hear from me, and that brings us to this year.

I was determined to have a shot of the 5 of us, to have one at the beach as stated even on my 101 list, but I think in the midst of the hustle and bustle I just couldn't find the time to fit it in. Then all of a sudden it occured to me I had the perfect shot, the picture of 'us' up in Idaho right before the trip home, that ultimately changed my life as God yanked that steering wheel back from me and took control once again of my life. That was the picture, the one that needed to be sent out, the one that represents who we are because of that day, the one that celebrates the life we have because of that day. And with that in mind, I will from this point foward never feel the need to 'create' a perfect moment to snap a shot of us in order to get out in the cards each year. No from this year forward the picture I will include will be one that best represents 'our family' in whatever shape its in each year and celebrate the blessing of what we traveled through.

It is still rather sad, as I look over the cards I have received up till now. Fewer and fewer christmas cards, a letter here and letter there and still the continum of 'picture cards'. And with that it makes me really pause and think, when and where did we decide that sending off a Christmas card was no longer needed?

Flying

This weekend I flew out to Phoenix and spent the weekend with Dennis and the kids. It was the first time I had flew this year and the process still amazes me. Shuttle you in, strip you down, herd you through and then pack you in. It was harder and easier since I had the check in a large bag. I had already shopped for his kids and parents so I brought those along with me. The stress to getting down to the airport wasn't much fun. No one likes to be on the freeways around here between the hours of 3:00 pm and 6:00 pm but my flight left at 6pm on Friday. So the trip down to the airport had me a bit fried. The flight out was only 45 min, that left the airline stewards/stewardesses running to get us all served....and then there were the children.

On the flight out there were about 5 children flying alone. I know this because while I was in line I watched them board and wave goodbye to their mothers at the gate. These children boarded the flight and I sat near them to watch the experience through their eyes. A few of the kids had this system down pat. But there was one child, one who had never flown before. The eldest of the group who had flown plenty of times in the past sat down very seriously next to the newbie and explained the rules of the plane. Stay in your seat she said, dont kick the seat in front of you, and be really quiet. One of the airline stewardess was listening apparently and walks over bends down and looks at this little boy in the eyes and says.... "make sure you run around the plane, kick the seat in front of you and scream at the top of your lungs" she had a twinkle in her eye as she told this to the little boy (who was obviously nervously excited) and moved on to help the remaining passengers loading.

Children across the globe have to move around in 'custody' agreements and follow rules each day of their lives. This stewardess knew that this little boy, needed permission to 'break' the rules now and again. Ill add he never made a peep or moved out of his chair the entire 45 min flight, but at the same time, he seemed a bit more relaxed as we took off then he might have been if she hadn't of stopped to put a smile on his face. We need more people like this in our lives :)

Christmas Lights

Christmas Lights Christmas Lights. Each year Christmas lights are a never ending 'adventure'. This year being no different.

Trying to get ahead of all things I pulled the boxes for all the outdoor lights out early. Its sad how cheaply things are made. Out came all the boxes and up went all the lights. As we started turning on the deer, candycanes, etc we started spotting sections of lights that weren't working. OK, I picked up some bulbs to fix the problem...so I thought. Yesterday in the midst of the 'insanely crazy day' I decided to 'get something done' and fix the broken lights. Jessica and I attacked the first deer. As I pulled a random bulb that was obviously burned out I replaced the bulb...fizz, bright light and half of the bulbs that are still working shut off. Lovely. I sit there and think, hmm maybe a fuse, so I look at the plug and for the life of me I can't figure out where the fuse goes. I think to myself, well maybe if I just start replacing bulbs from the one that is closest to the lite bulb Ill fix the problem one step at a time. Nope. All the lights go out after that try. Swell. Currently, the deer sits there in the lawn unlit. Today I picked up fuses, new light strings and a tester. Im determined to fix that stinkin deer.... if it kills me. . . Dennis added be sure to unplug it or it may just do that, ha ha. :)

Christmas Break...thats funny !

Im not sure where the term, Christmas Break was created. Maybe its the foreknowledge of the mothers who break their backs, break the memory barrier, or simply 'break-down' during this supposed "Christmas Break". Today alone has me so completely fried, that the new perm I got yesterday from Janet seems only appropriated....IM FRIED!

Today I ran back and forth to Oceanside FOUR times (thats not 2 trips back and forth but 4 trips back and forth!) ... to the kids school. Keep in mind I don't live in Oceanside...I choose this school knowing I would at the most be at the kids school 2 times a day up to 3 days a week. Ha ha ha ha.....funny, very very funny! Monday I had conferences and then had to take the kids to the first time rehersal of the King and I production they are all trying out for (all the girls that is). Yesterday, Jess had forgotten to bring a book in so I had to make an additional trip there, and today...4 trips...4...did I mention FOUR trips to the school. Try outs each girl trying out for roles and of course they tried out in different time slots, older (jr high) and younger. That was just the beginning of the days events...that part ended at 2:30, followed by a party for Em, and then quickly running home, to fix lights outside ....thats another story in itself...I will leave that for another time....make rice crispy treats (for Ashley's leadership party..) and oh yes that means Im taking her to school tomorrow by the way grrr) and now, I sit here for a brief moment catching my breath after dropping the girls off for Awanas. Christmas Break.....hmm grr.

This time of year each year I try as hard as I can to get on top of things to make this season less stressful. I think I have come to the conclusion that since I am a single parent...there is no end to the stress level for now. I have indeed finished my Christmas shopping...but if I hadn't, I honestly don't know where I would fit it in. I had to cancel working at the church today just to make time for driving the kids. I was grumbling to my daughter a bit ago and we both decided...I simple DON'T have a life....but honestly (THATS OK :) ) Im really not grumbling, outside of trying to get my point across that Christmas Break....hmm we need a new phrase for it.

Last week, is a perfect example of the level of intense stress Im under, as are mothers all over. Bill (my ex) had me waiting till the last moment to deposit a check into the bank. So on that day I tell the kids, OK Ill be right back need to run to the bank and Ill be right back. No big deal, I should be there and back within 15 min. As soon as I drive up to the ATM machine Em calls, grr, yes I say? "can I call Sabrina? she asks" grr Emily!!! at that very moment I was just about to hit the key pad on the machine to enter my pin.... I sat there and it was gone! My pin number GONE, I couldn't for the life of me remember the stupid number! I ll admit, I freaked a bit, tried a few numbers but no avail. I wont talk about how frustrated I was with her over this, but let me go on. The next day comes and goes and I realize I used the card to hit the market...but for the life of me I STILL cannot remember the pin.....my brain, is fried. My mother is convinced I need to start writing these things down, hmm Im not that old I tell her :) but she's right, we only have the capacity to remember so much, and so with that I am determined it is time to invest in a Palm PDA...whatever they are called to release my brain from having to organize it all.

Christmas Break....thats just funny!

Christmas

The word 'Christmas' alone can put a smile on my face. I love Christmas, I love the smells, the sounds, the 'spirit' of what everything entailed in Christmas brings.

Christmas to me is:

Music
Laughter
Nativity Scenes
Snowmen
Angels

Christmas programs, musicals and parties

Cookie decorating
Lights
Shopping
Wrapping
Gift giving
Surprises
Reconnecting
Family
Hugs! (yes and kisses too!)

Christmas brings out the best in some and the worst in others. It always breaks my heart when I hear a sad story that takes place during Christmas, or a bad memory.

Years ago I was talking with a girlfriend. We were sharing our fondest memories and talking about gift giving, or something like that, honestly I can't recall the exact conversation now, but I can remember what took hold of my heart. She and her husband had been married for almost 20 years yet he had never given her a Christmas present. It broke my heart. That Christmas I had decided to start a 'tradition' ..... one between her and I, and one that now even involves those around me. That Christmas I put together a secret 'santa' stocking for her. I put together tokens of love that I think she will enjoy and placed them in the stocking. This started years back when my marriage was still intack. While up there I shared with my sister what I wanted to do and asked her to drive me to their home so I could sneak up in a different car and run it up to her door. My sister was all for helping me out with this task. So that evening as it got darker she drove me down to my girl friends home. She even ran the stocking up to her door and hung it on the door and rang the doorbell and quickly escaped. We didn't stick around to see her open the door, but quickly left leaving no trace. As the years went one it became a game for her and her children (she is now a single parent like myself) they had to decipher who it was, a mystery. They compared the notes to Christmas cards and even with as much work as I did, (having the post office deliver the box (prior to 9/11) with a santa's return address to other sneaky ways --depending on where she was living....each year I made sure on Christmas eve a Christmas stocking has been hung on her door. Today after we spent the majority of the morning together, she handed me a bag. She said to me " I think you might find some use for this ...and she smiled" The bag was full of the stockings I had picked up over the years.....I smiled and said.. "stockings! how cool....where did those come from :) ?" she smiled and said ...uh huh ;) Christmas to me is loving those around us....comforting those in need. Sharing a piece of yourself with those that mean the most.

Rain

It's raining. It's midnight. And yes, my roof is leaking. Not bad, but enough. Enough to make me scared to fall asleep. My heart leaped inside of my chest earlier. I heard a car drive around the corner and it sounded like it was on wet pavment. I drove around town earlier today with the top down on the car, it couldn't be raining....could it? I looked up outside against the top of the house and sure enough.....signs of rain. I walked outside, and smelt it instantly....the sound, the smell, the feel, the racing heart inside of me -- rain.
I'm keeping Larry's words from the sermon tonight fresh on my mind.

• Negativity is a choice--We can choose what we focus on.
• Negativity breeds fear--Giving thanks breeds faith.
• Negativity is self-fullfilling.
• Negativity short-circuits God's best.
  

My first inclination was to call Dennis or my Dad. Its too late, its after midnight, almost 1 am in Arizona, it was after 11:30 when the rain caused me to finally get up and peer inside the closet where we found the leak back in October. Its not as bad as it was then, its really just slowly dripping in, not even fast enough for a bowl to be much use....its falling along side of a pipe.

I think...no I'll choose to believe thats a good sign, not a sign that the entire roof needs to be replaced, but a sign that somewhere around the area where we put in the new furnace pipe a few years ago it needs to be repaired....thats not a big deal. I choose to be thankful that it won't be a big deal.

"OK Lord, I am so thankful to have a roof over my head. I am so thankful that the appearance of a leak is causing me right now to lean upon you once again. Lord, it would be so easy to
question you right now, to think of this as another issue of 'bad' luck..if I believed in luck....but I won't Father. I'll trust you to keep a roof over my head. I'll trust you to keep me and the children safe tonight. We are your children........I am your child. Lord, its raining."

Paralyzed

My life, Ok Ill admit to be a bit on the over dramatic side but the past few days has had me spinning. Dennis and I did have another great weekend, followed up by yet another good bye. I hate good byes. The idea of saying good bye usually leaves me a bit paralyzed. Good bye for now, for how long, when will I .......? The questions in my head just spin. I suppose it has a great deal to do with my past and he (Dennis) is great at pointing that out to me, and being very reassuring at the same time. Good bye has meant good bye for good. Once you have that element in your life, it is difficult at best to get over. The idea of saying Good bye does in a way leave me paralyzed.

In a tear stained moment we did get to talk a little about this again. He knows that distance hurts me, strains me, and can confuse me. He also hates to see me cry. Whats with that? :) The funny (not funny ha ha part is) that when I start to get emotional it leaves me even more full of fear that my emotions will scare him away. My ex husband hated emotions, or more specifically he hated my emotions. I learned to bottle them up, but Im learning to except the way I fear and not let them run me, or make me run even.

I found it humorous in a way that while I tried to type this up on Monday my internet connection was severed and I haven't had a phone or internet until this afternoon. Somehow the line off the pole dropped and I lost the connection.....paralyzing me from writing......today though the Lord gave me the strength to pull up and take care of things again. To not sit and sob, but to move forward and grab hold of the greatness I have, we have, awaiting us. Each day is a blessing in itself, we can't allow ourselves to stay 'caught' up in the emotions of how we feel. If anything I say this as a pep talk to myself. Grab hold of today, look forward to tomorrow and don't fear the unknown.

Who I was who I am and where Im going

Christmas is here! I love this time of the year, no no no I really LOVE this time of year! I'm so greatful to have the ability to love this time of year again. Four years ago my life was changed in ways I'll never completely recover from, however one area the Lord has rebuilt me in has been to enjoy to the fullest this time of year for all that it is.

We decorated the tree on Monday, knowing the kids would be gone this coming weekend to get a head start on the decorating. We go all out! For years I had more then one tree in the home, we still do, the girls have one in their room, Ashley insists on a live tree in her room, and then the tree in the living room. I also keep a smaller one in the entrance, but years ago I even had one in the kitchen. . . a live one. After two years in a row of watching the live tree droop and fall apart on the floor I gave up (for now). One day I hope to live somewhere where you can actually cut one down and bring it in super fresh, but for now we still do the best we can. In addition to picking up new ornaments each year, representing the places we travel to, visit or do, I try to get a ornament to represent some sort of important thing that happened to our family.

A new tradition I started was starting a village with the kids. Since the first year I had to handle Christmas alone, this was something new for us. The kids really look forward to the battle that is sure to take place arguing over what home, store or item we purchase for that year. They are expensive so we can only get one, but it would almost not mean as much if we didn't fight over it. This year I wanted the coffee shop, I even had Ashley agreeing with me (my other coffee lover) but no, the girls insisted we had to have a house. We have stores but no houses, so this is what we ended up with.

Christmas is a time of reflection for me. Who I am, who I was, which you can't help recall as you hang all the ornaments up on the tree, and where am I headed. One thing that has been really on my heart is where am I serving the Lord? A few months ago I started to really think about who I was in loved doing. Speaking to women and encouraging them was something I really enjoyed doing. I felt as if this was where the Lord wanted me. I miss that. I even popped in a tape I did a few years ago (like 10!) at a Christmas gathering of 200 or so women and listened to myself talk to them about incorporating Christ as the center of the Holiday season. Tears ran down my face as I remembered the pain I felt standing there 8 months pregnant and speaking. So I have been reflecting on what element of that could I still be today. One thing that keeps coming to my mind is the struggle of being a single parent, and the lack of support there really is for us. Churches across the US have singles ministries, but seldom do you encounter a ministry that is there for single parents. It shouldn't be surprising when its all we can do to keep our head above water, keep clothing washed, the house cleaned, bills paid, and the kids to and from all of their activities. This made me start thinking more and more about an online ministry. My head started spinning with the idea and then at church that week Chris made me really stop and reflect, why was it I was interested in this. Was it to serve the Lord or to make me feel good? I honestly couldn't answer that. I wasn't sure that the idea was motivated by the desire to leave my mark, to do something 'worthy', instead of serving God 100 percent. Its something I am praying hard about. I spent a bit of time even designing the web site's beginning, a simple blog. I've spent time researching what is out there, and talked in length with Neek who's husband run's CARM and have them praying about weather this would be to much for me to do or not. Keep me in your prayers so that the Lord would use me where He wants, not where I want.