Dare to Dream

Todays writing:

What Hope Dares to look for

Friends can try so hard to be helpful and end up being hurtful in the process. From the beginning of my reintroduced singleness I had this passion within me. I was not meant to be alone facing the world. Not that loneliness scared me. Its not fun to be alone, but it doesn’t scare me. I do believe however, from my heart that I am a better person when two become one. I have had a few friends who have come along side me and listened to me state just that. That I believed with my heart and soul that God would provide the man for me to love me like I hadn’t been loved in the past. The comment that hit me hard was…”Jenice what if you are meant to be alone, what if God wants you to be single the rest of your life?” I can’t tell you what a hit to the gut that feels like. I think a very important lesson in my life that I have learned from these past years is to never take the dreams and hopes away from those you love.

“Love bares all things, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:7)

We are told in scriptures to hope for the future. To believe in what isn’t apparent to us how or when it may take place. To dare to dream what your future could and will look like takes a vision of hope. Maybe it’s the same kind of hope that a 7 year old little girl has when she starts talking about her upcoming birthday (in August) yet it is only February. A childlike vision for what you ‘hope’ for should never be taken from someone. Our dreams and goals are taken from us daily just by the lives we live. My dream of growing old with the man I had children with will never come true. But I dare to dream for something even better then that.

Trust

I've been trying to find or to make the time to write. It seems to be that is the direction God has been pointing me at. I try to move in a different direction and He spins me right back to writing :). So instead of fighting it, Im trying to focus. With summer around the corner I will have lots more time to do just that. The following is a piece or jumbled words from last summer.

Trust

Trust is a gift. Trust is a gift that needs special handling. It’s a gift you pass to the heart of someone you care deeply for, a gift that must be recognized as what it is and cared for and nurtured.

To allow that gift to go unnoticed and or unappreciated is as reckless as leaving a car sitting on a train track.

One would think that given such a gift it would be automatically cared for-but sadly that isn’t usually the case. To often that gift is taken advantage of and not cared for, and this is the baggage that each of us carry’s from our past.

All the more reason when we notice that someone has entrusted us with the gift of trust we should care for it as a piece of precious cargo.

Take the time to share and open yourself up to being vulnerable. Better is it to open oneself up and get hurt then to never experience the gift of trust and love in a relationship.

Beautiful!

Today was/is BEAUTIFUL! Its a day that makes people say things like, "this is why we pay so much to live here!" And its true. Waking up to sunshine this time of year means one thing, its going to be an absolutely beautiful day. A day that you can't stop smiling for. Sunshine means smiles to me. It means you can be outside, enjoying God's beauty and living!

So with that on my mind I headed out to Lowe's. It was due time I went shopping for a few new yard tools. A few of the bigger headges needed some work. The gardeners I have do a great job keeping the yard looking cared for, but they don't go above the call of duty. Not that I blame them, coming here 2 times a month for the little money they charge, Im just glad to have them mow the 1/3 of an acre I sit on and keep the headges on the street kept to the 3 foot limit the city requires. But mid spring it was definately time to get some work done, and in this weather I couldn't wait to get out there and work in it. One thing I have to remember next time I head out to buy plants and tools....not to take the convertible ....Im sure I made several laugh at the woman trying to shove all that into her small car :P

I have learned not to go crazy though. Its hard once you get started, you start to see how much needs to get done. Too many times in the past I would have gone nuts and just filled all the trash cans. Today I filled 2. I cleaned off the bbq and tonight....Im grilling :)

Oh How I long for summer to get here! Only 5 school days left...and a Beach party for one of them :)

I wonder..........does it show my age at craving and desiring to have a hammock swinging outside???????? Is 37 old enough to want to have a hammock? I shudder at the thought of considering myself old :P

Fresh Perspective

Yesterday playing tennis in Oceanside it was the last class I took with Zach. He is moving out to a new court up in LA to oversee. He's been so helpful, I will miss him. The new guy was there watching us play and playing with the 3 of us in class. He commented while I was playing (horribly this week Ill add) are you a ballet dancer? Hmmm that didn't sound like a comment I needed or wanted to hear, so I knew he was teasing me. Im not so good at usually knowing when someone is teasing me or being serious....gullable I am! I said, No, but I USE to be a dancer :). The light went off in my head after this. My calves have been killing me while playing. Usually within the first 30 minutes I start to feel severe pain in my legs. The new shoes have definately helped but still it hurts. So I looked at Zach and said, do you think maybe the fact I like to play on my toes, is why my legs hurt all the time playing? He smiled, yep! Arrrrrgh. So my eyes were opened and a fresh look at my game playing helped me see why Im in pain! Good thing :)

Inspirational Reading

One frustrating aspect to me about finding a good book or better yet a GREAT book is that it takes me forever to read it. I find myself rereading chapters over and over again because it just makes so much sense I want to really 'get it' lodged into my brain. For anyone who truley knows me, thats a scary place :).

Last week I finally finished reading Blessed and Highly Favored as seen on my other blog in my 101 list. Reading 10 books for me is nothing, ( could do that in a month) except I keep selecting GREAT books! Not that Im complaining at all. I am finding myself a sponge again in my spiritual journey. God's been showing himself to me in so many ways its hard to explain. Just each book I pick up and start to read, each sermon I hear at church....I feel like God is talking to me. That could come across as prideful, but its not. I find myself humbled each day and wanting so badly to be a 'better' person and more of who He wants me to be.

This week I started reading The Allure of Hope by Jan Meyers. Let me just say WOW. (That means a 5 star rating in peach talk :) )The first 2 chapters have me spellbound. There is so much truth in what she writes. The following is an exerp from her book:

"Envision an exquisite five-star restaurant. You walk through the door and are gently jolted with the lull over conversation, the warmth of candlelight and luminous nooks, the mingled smells of several fine dishes. The room is festive and relaxing. The maitre d'ushers you to your table, causing you to feel not only welcomed but even expected and desired. You feel the tension drain away as you prepare to enjoy the company at your table and the meal you anticipate as you scan the list of possibiltilies.

Looking up from your menu for a moment, you glance toward the kitchen and catch the eye of the chef, a kind-looking man. He acknowledges your gaze with a warm smile and a look that in your restful state says to you "I am preparing something wonderfu ljust for you. Wait. You'll love it. I'm doing this for you." You feel a twinge of embarrassment, but it is quickly engulfed in the sheer delight of thinking that something is being prepared with you in mind.

You love this place. Life feels right for a mooment, and you take it all in. How could he have known what you love? You wait and converse and laugh and drink and wait. And then it arrives--the spectacular dish. All are served, and with gratitude you savor your first bite. Heaven. Perfection. How did he do this? You continue to imbibe and laugh, and time slips away.

Suddenly, a tap on yoru shoulder. Startled, you turn to see the maitre d' standing behind you with a grim look on his face. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave." You are certain there is an emergency and you request the details, but none are given. "No, I simply must ask you to leave. Please come with me." His voice is commanding and direct. You are stunned and embarassed but feel compelled to follow, at least to see what this interruption is about. The maitre d' ushers you past tables of glowing faces and candles, then through the kitchen, where you look for the chef you see only busboys. You are taken out of the back door into the frigid night air, down the cement steps and into the alley behind the restaurant. Furious and confused, you demand an explanation, but all that is given in reply is the turn of the deadbolt lock.

Silence.

You are stunned. You are alone. Trash cans, oily puddles, and the steam from a sewer vent make up your new surroundings. Welcome to the alleyway.

The most natural thing for us to do when we have been jolted into the alleyway by life is to think, This is where my hope is lost . My sweet dream has been snatched away, and hope has been snatched away with it . The wild reality of God, through, is that this is where hope begins. Hope begins when the memory what was becomes a longing for what is to be restored.

I about cried after reading this....OK I DID CRY. This is me, this is MY life. Isn't it amazing how selfish we are at times thinking the suffering we go through is us alone. We aren't alone, there are so many out there with similar stories or worse.

I am a person who has a natural ability or really a God given ability to Hope and Dream. In all that my life has been and become some would not want to go on or dream to have a better life ahead. That isn't me. I know without a doubt that this is all temporary anyway, but I LONG for the days ahead and the blessings that He will provide.

I still believe in wishing upon a star, Santa Claus like Christmas's, prayers do get answered, and that dreams DO come true.

We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are. - Author Unknown

What Type of Writer should I be

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart. You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer... And while you may be a traditional romantic, you're just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories. As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Clothes Line

As one could imagine being a single parent of 4 children means........a LOT of clothing to wash, never mind the bedding, towels, and well STUFF that gets washed in a normal time span. And while my children do see their father from time to time, it has become quite normal for them to start taking clothing back and forth so that they have something that fits there. Meaning, I have laundry 7 days a week for 5 of us, regardless of where the kids are.

Recently my dryer broke (again). If you recall an earlier post my dryer had stopped working about a month ago. A small fuse that one might think couldn't cost much (my guess would have been 5 bucks) ended up costing me almost $250 to have it repaired. OK no Im not that much of a sucker I didn't pay that much for a PART but I was talked into a service contract. Good thing. A week or so ago the dryer started smelling of smoke and thumping (kind of that off balance washing machine thump...I had just never heard it in a dryer before. Now do keep in mind I just REPLACED the washer and dryer about 2 years ago after the 2nd flood the kids and I experienced (this time from the washing machine hose bursting and completely flooding downstairs). So I called out Sears last week and they were good came right out again. I am pleasantly surprised on the repairmen so far, they are curteous (although Ill admit I don't like being called ma'm) and they arrive when they say and can come out almost immediately. Good deal. However, this time I needed parts he didn't seem to have. So 80 dollars worth of parts were ordered and a new time scheduled for repair....MAY 23rd! Arrrrgh! So with a pending 200 dollars worth of repair almost 100 dollars worth of parts I was worried and asked, how much will this cost me...........Nothing! Absoluetely NOTHING....well but patience. We all know how patient I can be! Im completely confident that God wants me to learn this lesson and that is why I keep being given lessons to learn it with. OK, so I accept and I practice patience as I hang laundry all over the house so that it can dry. Easy you think.......NOT so, especially with silly comments from my children.

Apparently they have been hurt in their lives from me not ever drying laundry on a clothes line. That freshly washed smell that clothing has after dancing in the breeze my children do not understand. They complain that the clothing smells funny....like vomit according to Andrew and feels funny. Granted towels are much nicer after dried in the dryer, however........there is something freshly reminicent of my childhood having that fresh detergent smell vs the fabric softener smell from the dryer sheets. And so my lesson in patience continues for.... 9 more days and well I won't start counting the hours YET!

Mothers Day

The thoughts from my girls, Andrew being the tech wiz he is sent me a card via email....gotta love that :) But the following are thoughts from my girls:

Dear Mother,
I love you like a pedal on a flower and a bird in the sky. When I see you, you're as beautiful as a butterfly. When your so happy I just want to cry with joy. You cook like an award winning cheif. See how wonderful you are? But there's some more. I love when you kiss me good night and tuck me in bed. Thank you for taking care of me my loving mother.

Love Emily

M is for the millions of things you gave me
O means only that your NOT old.
T is for the tears she shed for me
H is for her heart of purest gold
E is for her eyes with love-light shining
R means right, and right she might always be.

Put them all together and they spell mother. A word that means the world to me.

Love ya!

Ashley XOXO


Mom's make children blossom!

Miraculous
Overwhelmed
Marvelous

Violets are blue
Roses are red and I love you so much mommy!
Love Jessica

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:9-11)

The Blessing of Children!

Last night I was brought to tears after I had got home and tucked the kids in. I got to have dinner with a friend and conviently my kids had dinner with their father the same night so I didn't have to rush to prepare dinner before I could go out and enjoy dinner. It made the 'experience' of getting out or going out all the more better. So we enjoyed a yummy salad and talked for hours about the events in our lives, and later I felt refreshed. Something I dont get to experience all that often so it was pleasant.

When I walked into the front door Jessica felt the need to confess immediately that she had taken money out of her 'piggy' bank that sits on the dresser in my room. You have to recall the events that took place months ago for complete understanding of how significant this was. The rest of the kids however were completely disappointed in her need to confess. Apparently they all took money out of their wallets and talked their father into taking them shopping for MothersDay. Awwwe I know.....:)! Anyway, it was one of those moments when you can't help but tear up because you see that all the work you have done actually impacted the life of a child (my child!). I am blessed each day by having children. I could sit and grumble about how difficult it is being a single mom and effectively the only real parent they have considering their father really isn't all that active in their lives. I choose to see it as a blessing. The influence they have is primarily from me, a woman who tries to live her life an example to her children. A woman who walks with the Lord, a woman who trusts in the Lord. That example wouldn't be as prominent if circumstances where different. I think most of life is how we choose to gaze at it. We can see it from the difficult angle or we can choose to look at it from the blessing that it is. I choose most days to see it as a blessing, but I'll admit I fall short more often then I probably care to admit.

Stalked!

Ok maybe stalked is a bit of a strong word for what took place today but thats what if felt like. Today it seemed warm enough to drop the top down and drive around 'topless'.

So off I was running errands and got back onto the freeway. All of a sudden a golden Forerunner is driving alongside me in the fast lane. Not so interesting I know....but hang tight. Time goes by, one mile, two miles and this guy is still driving at the same speed, right next to me. I ignore him. Finally, he pulls behind me and desides to tailgate my butt for a bit. I hate (ok I hate the word hate, but I do really hate) tailgaters. There is just something about when someone does that it makes me seriously want to slam my breaks just to make then crash into me. (no I have never done that but I always think it) So I say a quick prayer to keep my calm and continue to ignore the jerk. He gets bored of the lack of attention and desides now he will pull into the right lane. I can totally see out of the corner of my sunglassed eyes him trying to get my attention, I chose to ignore him. Eventually I have to get off the freeway to go home, but no way am I going to take the usual offramp. I figure if I have to Ill drive all through town and hopefully he will get lost at a stop light. Fortunately, since I pulled over last minute, if he was going to follow me he didn't get that chance.

See the thing is, if someone like this is doing this kind of stunt does he really think he will get the attention of the female in the car? I am serious -- I can't stand the concept of being picked up in the gym, like being hooted at in a passing car is going to get me excited! Do men think they can really get phone numbers that way? Am I really that nieve?

I wrote a note to Dennis and being that he was in law enforcement for some time he offered a few good tips if this was to happen again. But that was in my opinion....kinda a stalky thing to have happen :) The recommendation that sticks out at the moment was to drive to a fire station, there are more of them and easier to get to then a police station. Good thing to keep in mind!

Bad News: Stinkin Dryer broke again
Good News: 2 weeks ago when they were out I bought the service contract too so it shouldn't cost much
Good News: My new SHOES arrived today! Plus I picked up a good pair of running shoes earlier too, so my feet should be in heaven now! Hopefully with both new shoes and a new racket at todays lesson Ill be hittin pretty. Yesterdays lesson with Heidi, she commented I was playing better....gotta love that!
Bad News: I haven't finished any of the 3 classes worth of work yet.
Good News: Its only Tuesday, and Im almost completed with my photo shots.
Good News: For my last assignment in Design all I have to do is critique to classmates web designs.
Bad News: I get critiqued by two classmates too........I shall be humbled!

Im Writing Again!

Im pretty excited and stirred up, happy, flying on cloud 9 and all of that tied up in one huge bundle of energy! I have a bunch of reasons for it but first Im writing again. The hours Dennis and I have been spending getting to know each other have been stirring up so many thoughts in my mind and Im writing again. Last night after midnight and having been in bed for a bit it was almost like it was dropped on me like a brick. All of a sudden tons of thoughts and words where flying around in my head again. Here is a sampling:

"A man sits and lights a campfire out camping in the wilderness one evening and doesn’t realize that the winds along the hillside are about to pick up. He sits there by the campfire completely unaware of the events that are about to take place on that hill that night. The ashes of that small campfire lift up and land onto the dry ground surrounding the campsite. The leaves begin to smolder and eventually the brush ignites into a roaring flame. That flame is caught up into the winds and within minutes the entire field is lit up and on fire. In the days ahead the grounds and surrounding acres of beautiful countryside are burned down to black ashes and soot. The remaining effects are blacked, scared and ugly terrain. Sadly looking over the hillside it would be difficult to ever imagine that hill being beautiful again. Winter hits just one month later and in coolness of one minute inside of one day snowflakes begin to fall from the sky. Within an hour there is a white blanket covering that hillside."

Its written rough first of all, I haven't spent anytime looking over grammar and wordage but its written as a metaphor. I typed up 2 pages last night and that was after a few nights getting 4 pages typed out. Dennis and I have talked over so many issues of our past and the things we want in our future and its stirred up so much within my heart I just have to write it out.

Additionally, my tennis serve has improved tons, my new racket I picked up today (its too cool!), the weekend flew by, my Design class is almost concluded so it will really loosen up my work load and SUMMER is almost here...only 2 1/2 weeks to go! Hard to believe!

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. "George Sand

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. John Barrymore

If you are going to play the 'game' you better have the right equipment

Being that I have never really been a huge sports fan I never really got the concept about having to spend a ton of money on sports equipement. Today that changed. I decided to try out a different pair of tennis shoes (ones I already owned) on the court and in the gym the other day. My legs felt tremendously different.....apparently I have wore my Sketchers beyond their lifespan. So last night I surfed the web and found Tennis Warehouse.com and did a ton of research on shoes. Given the fact this will only be the 2nd time I have ever purchased shoes online, I am a little scared, but after playing tennis today with different shoes and finding that my calves were not aching after-- Im more determined then ever.

Today's lesson was wonderful. I finally mastered the top spin. I've been taking lessons now for about 9 weeks. Not too long, and this past week I added on additional lessons here in Vista. Great 3 days a week....and then with a private lesson today that was 4! Wednesdays lesson gave me a great feel for my serves and backhands, not that I was mastering them, and that in turn gave me more confidence for todays lesson. I am having so much fun even though my skill isn't there yet. I have this determination to want to compete. That's at my very core, if I find something I like I want to do the best I can at it, and I really enjoy Tennis. Tennis has the speed and skill of playing baseball, the precision of playing golf and much to my delight you get to wear cute clothing! I know I am such a GIRL! The other aspect of tennis I like is that you have to rely on who you are playing to keep score and make the calls as to whether or not the ball is in or out. Its a sportsman type of game unlike any other, that I am aware of, and I realize my knowledge on sports is very small. I have also been looking into the Tennis camps around, I think it would be so fun to attend one!

So today, I took another step in my quest to be great in this. I spent a fortune on a great racket. The coaches at the courts sell some of the top of the line rackets and Zach had me try out the best they had today. I find it funny ....kind car shopping funny, dont start off with the lower end, start off with the best racket....which of course I LOVED! Plus he and Tom picked out one that matched what I was wearing and I GET TO HAVE IT STRINGED in the colors I want...I chose black and white. So Im broke, but I have better gear, no wonder men never have any money! It all goes into their sports gear! My gosh I have had an epiphany! I think a highly important one!

Im not looking to be famous in tennis. Im looking to be good at playing. Good enough to play most I meet, man or woman. After trying out the Singles Tennis Club at church for a bit I found I was feeling to foolish. I don't want to have that feeling again. So while Im not reaching for the Stars, I am aiming for an attainable goal...I think :)

Relationships shouldn't ever be squeezed in

Recently I have been busier then ever. I have added so many great activities, church ones, physical ones, educational ones and then to top it off, the school year is coming to an end. I have a son being readied at church for High School, a Jr. High Graduation fast and approaching, a reunion of families my son has known all his life for a hopeful party Id like to plan, and well it seems like birthday party after birthday party my girls are being invited to. All GREAT stuff!

So Ive been thinking.......the men I have met more recently in my life, not all but many, are single men and of course that always leads me to wonder....why? Why are they still single?

When a woman meets a man and hears about all that he is doing, the first thing that goes through her mind, the first thing that goes through my mind...where would I fit in? I don't believe people should be changed, I think if you can't accept them for who they are then later on down the line those issues will become bigger issues, so you have to ask yourself, can you deal with them even later on. So if a man is so busy that its hard to see where you would fit in the picture, how can you really imagine, or even really want to imagine this realtionship going any further. I know why they are busy. I haven't felt lonely at all the past few weeks. I have been so busy and so exhausted each evening, it doesn't register to me that I am alone. But I dont want to be too busy for a relationship. Having Dennis becoming more and more important to me makes that all the more a reason to ask myself, what should I cut out now, so that I dont' put someone who is very important to me, second place.

The way we act now will be continued later on in our lives. Men and women who are in their forties and never have been married, well..... why? Have you made the time to have a relationship? Is your career been the priority? Making something of yourself, doing the best you can in your life isn't a bad thing. I think it just becomes something not so good when it takes over your life. Where would someone fit in? My marriage ended with two very busy people. Too busy. We were so busy we didn't make the time to make our marriage a critical priority. Then we had kids, the kids made life even busier. We started to have more and more separate interests, and more kids. Life got busier. The thing with living in a place like Southern California, we don't really know what too busy is. The world around us is moving at the same rate if not faster. We begin to justify our over active lifes. Most of the stuff we get involved in is all good stuff, but, people seem to be put at a much lower place of significance. I don't want that for my life. I want people to take priority. Relationships should never have to be squeezed in.

Twilight Zone of a Weekend.....and Where did Monday go?

4 days and counting with no Coffee!

Today was very very rewarding in many ways. One for just getting the kids to and from all the events and even having had time for myself at the gym with Terrance the last time and tonight playing Tennis and even playing tennis with the older two for a bit while the girls were in their Hip Hop class at the Y. Ill admit that the Spark drink is probably the only reason I haven't collapsed in bed at the moment....Im pretty sore. Today's workout was amazing. I found out after Terrance tested my overall ability that I am now in the 90 percent or above level for my age and ability in strengh. I have moved from under a year ago at leg pressing 240 (max) to today 330 lbs. I did 130 crunches today and a year ago could only do 20. I did above 100 percentile in bench pressing, ball lifts, the only weakness and I say that laughing because I was still in the 70th percentil was push ups. I hate push ups! I probably hate them almost as much as I hate to run. So yes that means I will be working on this. I don't like to hate anything it just makes me want to get past the 'fear' of being able to do it. Thats kind of how I look at things I dont enjoy. Its a fear of doing it so I dont enjoy it. So I have to work on it to learn to enjoy it. Honestly though I only needed to do 11 more push ups to hit the 90 percentile, and had I not just done more then I needed to in benching, I may have been able to. But honestly I just didn't WANT to. I think the most satisfying thing about a day like today is the fact that it was so hard and there was so much to do, but having gotten through it and still smiling........ tomorrow Im not sure if I should hit the gym after dropping the kids off and then having tennis yet again tomorrow night. I think Ill just guage it by how I feel when I wake up. Surprisingly in the few minutes I was home I did even school the girls, wash my car, do 4 loads of laundry, and while I was out I got some pictures taken...some I wasn't too disappointed with even :) A good day after a whirlwind of a weekend! :)

I can't even begin to think HOW Ill get 3 classes worth of work done this week, but one day at a time and I will not let any of that overwhelm me....life is to short and there is to much to experience each day to allow the stress of it to shorten the time we have!

My baby is turning 8 this week...8 ! Where did the time go!