The way we look at things continued....

e·piph·a·ny (ĭ-pĭf'ə-nē)
n., pl. -nies.

1. Epiphany
   1. A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi.
   2. January 6, on which this feast is traditionally observed.
2. A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.
3. 1. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
   2. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: “I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself” (Frank Maier)

I've always liked the word, epiphany. Its a puzzle of a word, a word I can NEVER spell correctly the first time. You might have thought I was being cute by posting the definition of this word before I started to tell you about my 'epiphany' but you are wrong....I had to look up how to spell the darn word first again :)

Last week, last Wednesday I had one of those clever little words. One of those moments in time you sit back after feeling like you had something practically slapped across the face and you are so surprised it took you "38" years to figure it out. Ok, in this case, 38 years and 3 days :P.

Im reading this book titled Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart. Its been another of those books that have profoundly altered the way Im looking at myself and the way I approach life. Last Wednesday while sitting on the beach I was reading the chapter titled "Control: Releasing our sticky fingers". Paula explains 'control' in a way I had never ever imagined would have been considered. One that I know to this day I struggle with each and every day. Here is an exert from her book:

"Becoming a strong woman with a soft heart will, indeed, bring us face to face with the need to feel in control. Control is the most subtle of dynamics, as natural as the air you breathe. It's the insistence that your life follow a particular path. It's about having an agenda for your life-a picture of some ideal that is shaped, usually, in childhood. We tote it along through life, often blissfully unaware, until it dawns on us that IT's NOT HAPPENING. Or at least not happening in the way we had hoped."

I sat there after reading this with tears streaming down my face. The realization of all those little 'creative thoughts' that flow through my mind. "What if he surprised me and did this......" "What if she calls me and says this........." what if my kids surprise me with a breakfast in bed, what if, what if, what if....................You name it I have dreamt it. I can easily say each and every day my head fills with dozens of 'dreams' on how wonderful life would be if only. She continues in her book a few paragraphs down saying this:

"What I am aware of, though , is this mirage that sits in the back of my brain. It appears more real at some times than at others. But in some form, it is always present, just off the wings of the stage. I call it the mirage of the genteel life. The picture is basically this: a family of beautiful achievers, no pain or sadness present, everyone getting along. I don't know why this mirage has such a pull for me. perhaps it's all the leftover fragments of girlish dreams tied up in a package. Simple things evoke it-the smell of magnolia in the spring, a table set with linens and silver-and I hear the siren call of perfect family. Actually, my mirage is a lovely picture, but it is an illusion of paradise with my own monogram. It is an agenda. "

She explains to the reader there is a way to tell if you have these images or idealistic dreams, the way we know is the feeling eventually of disappointment that comes along when those 'dreams' don't turn out as you had crafted them up in your head to turn out. We all probably have this tendency. To dream up the way we want our lives to go each day. For those of us who homeschool, how the 'picture perfect' day with the kids will enfold. Sitting on the sofa reading to our children all ears, perfectly quiet little angels. For those of us in rocky marriages, the dream that our husbands would turn around and be the 'perfect' husband that night when they returned home from workbring us roses, candy....MAKE DINNER FOR US! For those of us looking to be married, the proposal of marriage we have dreamed of and wished for. You name it, we have dreams. The problem is when those dreams become agendas. They have a tendency to become idolatrous in some ways as well.

After reading this and being so completely convicted of this in my life, I made a pledge in my prayer that afternoon. "Lord, I pleaded, help me to be reminded of this each and every time I feel myself tempted to dream up that perfect happy ending. Help me to allow you to provide that happy ending. Help me Lord to realize that You and You alone can be the fulfillment of that happy ending. Help me Lord."

I sat along the beach that afternoon with more and more commitement to turning myself from this. I realized that each time I do or dream up a plan a goal, a 'perfect' picture in my head of how something may or may not turn out, I am simply robbing God of gifting me of that perfect happy ending. The plan HE intends for me. After 38 years here, this is something I can attest to...He is in Control of our lives. He has a better plan for each of us then we can ever imagine. We just need to LET GO :) My pledge....I will let go, each day, each hour, each minute.

Car Troubles ....am I really asking too much?

Im cranky. Yes that sums me up at the moment. I've had my 'fun' car in at the dealers for the past two days. Why? Hmm, good question!

On Monday, I was driving around doing a few errands, what exactly now I don't remember, but while out the air bag light popped on. Hmm, I've never had that happen I thought...so I quickly pulled over and called Dennis. A vision of one of his calls while he was a cop popped into my mind of what happens when an air bag inflates and I really didn't want to have that happen. So I called him and he reasurred me it wasn't going to pop open on me. OK, so I felt better, but the light was still on. That kind of thing, bugs me :P I know surprising is'nt it! So while I was driving it popped off and then back on and off again, that was it I called up the dealership and made an appointment to bring it in on Tuesday. I had asked to bring it in at 10 am but he made this word for word comment...."If you would like to have it done tomorrow you need to get it in earlier" My response, is about 8:15 going to work, I need to drop my girls off at school first? His reply, yes, that will be fine. Great I said. So Tuesday morning rolls around, I drive the car in ( of course the light isn't on now....my usual luck) and talk to them about a couple other insignificant issues to check out. The day rolls on after a long ride home from their shuttle service, honestly if they were smart they wouldn't drive you home in a stinkin mini van, but something like a JEEP or something FUN! Dennis had called to see what they came up with around his lunch break, I had no news and was a bit worried how much this was going to cost, so hadn't called yet. That conversation sat on my thoughts, until I was driving to pick up the girls from school and still hadn't heard from them. So I made a call, I was put on hold for TOO long and then asked if Randy, my service rider, could call me back. Fine I said. About 15 to 20 minutes later he returns my call. He of course isn't prepared I get put back on hold for another 10 minutes....on my cell phone mind you. He gets back on the phone and states, well it isn't going to be done today,would you like a rental? OK does anyone anyone understand why this just immediately got under my skin? I asked him, why not? He said well they haven't even looked at the car yet. OK, now, (ok ok I admit I have no patience for this kind of thing), I ask him why not? He said well they have been swamped and just havent got to it. I promptly remind him of the conversation I had with him yesterday. He says yes but they got swamped. I ask, why wasn't I informed then when I dropped it off? He said because they have no idea, they come in as oil changes and then things get found out and added on. OK, now Im just mad. So I let him know, that I don't see where the customer service is in me having to call HIM and ask whats going on. No apology is given, just how about a rental. I want MY car back! Grrrr so, Im trying to keep my cool, not blow things up, but at the same time, darn it....I do believe in customer service, and IM NOT GETTING ANY! So round and round we go, I bring it down to him saying, you know had you simply apologized, I wouldn't have been upset, but to think nothing of my time, my imposition, that isn't what a dealership of this type (and this is a HUGE dealership) is known for, and I honestly DONT care how busy it is, there is no excuse for not taking care of your customers. See I've been a business owner, actually a couple of times, I know how important customer service is. I also know how easily a customer can be reassured by simply saying, Im sorry mam, I screwed up. SO I ask this virtual world, am I asking to much for a simple phrase, Im sorry? Is it too much to hope for?

I know I know, its after 4:30 they were suppose to be picking me up at 4:30 to bring me back to the service shop......ho hum, I think I already know, I am asking too much. And this was after I had to call today to see what was up and they didn't know because they had lost my paperwork.......grr

Oh and the diagnosis? A bad seat belt buckle.....the cost of repair? $245...the cost of the part $55. Arrrrrgh!

The Question

Lee posted a question in his blog this week “If you could write a novel about any subject, what would it be?" This question has been in the back of my mind the past couple of days. The first answer I had for it was the book that Im trying to put together now. After further considering it, I realized that no, that wasn't the book I had always dreamed of writing, but the idea behind it is. Its been my desire for some time now to write an inspirational, a book thats encourages women. At first that book was going to be towards mom's struggling to raise an infant, then it became one more focused on the young years of the so called "terrible twos" (I need to address that however, there is NOTHING terrible about a two year old!) As I became a mother of school aged children, the desire switched again, and as I have written before, my goal hasn't changed today. I still would love to write, regardless of getting it published, a encouraging book, an inspirational book for those who face the loss of a husband or wife and how God will bring them through that loss to perhaps a greater blessed life then they could have ever imagined.

To me that was the obvious answer but I didn't feel compelled to sit and write about this until today after spending more time organizing the library. I fell in love with You Got Mail the first time I watched that movie. Yes, its a total 'chick' flick, romantic comedy, all the parts I totally love about movies Meg Ryan plays in typically. But there is more to this movie I just LOVED. The book store, The shop around the corner." I love children's books, literature, book stores! Authors like Tomie de Paola, Leo Lionni, Eric Carle, Bill Peet, Margaret Wise Brown or Dr Seuss. Books like, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nymph, Charlotte's Web, If you give a mouse a cookie, Corduroy, Danny and the Dinosaur, Mouse Paint, Freckle Juice, Flat Stanley, Make Way for Ducklings, The Mouse and the Motocycle, The Lonely Doll or The Red Balloon. Its hard to just pick a few titles, a few authors. I would have a very difficult time narrowing down just one or even two. I watched that movie, You Got Mail, over and over again just to fantasize over owning a book store, writing a childrens book. On what specifically? Animals, talking animals. We use to own so many different pets, from ducks to chickens, hedge hogs, you name it. For a while Id sit in the back yard and imagine them talking to each other, just like in the movie Babe. Thats probably why I ended up having to have a Border Collie....Molly (now Steve and Iva's dog). I love children's literature and children's picture books especially. I could sit inside the children's section of a book store for hours given the chance, and get lost in the pages of those stories.

So if I was given the opportunity and knew I would succeed Id do both :) Write a inspiration (which I intend and am working on anyway) and a childs story book or two :)

The way we look at things

Wednesday the kids and I hit the beach. It was well PERFECT. The day was beautiful, the beach was wonderful, empty, warm, inviting......ok Ill stop, but it truly was a day sliced out of heaven. I look at days like Wednesday as a gift. Something to hold onto and squeeze each moment of joy out of on those days when we feel we are struggling to hold onto hope. Wednesday gave me ample suppy for some time to come. I don't think I can easily sum up in words in one post how many things the Lord shared and blessed me with that day but Ill do my best to at least give you a glimpse of what and how the day began.

After we woke up and I made a mess of the kitchen making crepes, we cleaned things up and packed up the cooler, threw on our suits and headed off towards the coast. Its only 10 minutes from my home, so its not long of a drive. Ashley busted her board the week before at the beach, I had in my attempt to save money picked up a cheaper board thinking it would be good enough till the end of this season. She had it for exactly 3 weeks and...........the leash pulled straight through. They call these tourist boards, not ones for locals, I don't really see the rationale in that...sure make the tourists mad so they don't come back and spend some more money. We stopped at Sports Authority on the way. No luck, all they had was cheap boards, and the clerk he admitted it right away, told us to hit the surf shop, which I knew where it was, and off we went.

If you have never been inside of a surf shop, I highly recommend it once in your life. Its fun! No thats not the lingo, ITS SO RAD DUDE! no that just doesn't sound right either, man I do hope its not my age sitting in. Anyway, it is a pretty cool experience! You have guys and girls working in a shop selling things and working with the things they just adore.....boards and gear. They love their job, they are the happiest people you will ever meet, and my daughter Ashley, whos almost 13, just kept asking me over and over again, HOW come they are SO nice mom? Sad huh, but thats just the reality of living in Southern California, most people you will encouter in the stores just don't enjoy they jobs. So, we shopped for the perfect board (within a decent price range) and off to the beach we went. The kids were worried it was going to be too cold. Too cold in AUGUST! But the water has cooled down compared to that July heat wave we had. But on Wednesday, the water, the sand, the beach.....it was perfect and then.............

DOLPHINS! But before I go on let me back track a little. Once we set up, into the water they went, down into the sand to relax I sat. I love the beach. I love to sit and stare at the water, listen to the waves crash against the short, the sea gulls over head (ok unless they are directly over MY head) and well all of it. Young couples holding hands walking along the shoreline, children dancing in the water, old couples walking arm in arm pointing to the boats out at sea. Sitting at the beach is a piece of heaven (most days). So I pulled out my notebook and started outlining my book. I got quite a bit done, and then decided to pull out one of the half dozen books Im reading titled... "The First Five Pages, A Writers Guide to staying out of the Rejection Pile by Noah Lukeman" I was having a hard time staying focused on it, so I pulled out another book that I had thought to throw in last minute before leaving. "The prayer of Jabez" I first read this book completely a few months ago, but it was on my mind again that morning so I pulled it out and took it with me. I only read two chapters of it (mind you its a tiny book) and stopped and prayed for a bit. And then, the day just became filled with one instance of God after another. I say that and realize that for someone stumbling across this site you might think, Oh yeah, Jesus Freak! Ok well, I am a bit of a freak, but honestly there are something in life that you know I honestly have to stop and say, yep that was a God thing. Wednesday had that over and over again.

"Oh that you would bless me indeed"

After I put the book down one of the two younger kids came running up to tell me about the dolphins. They had been swimming just feet away from the kids. I've lived in Southern California all my life, its not all that surprising to see Dolphins. They are a regular event on our coast line. But Wednesday they just hung around. Usually the dolphins will swim by and just follow along the coast line. Wednesday they swam in circles, dancing, playing, and jumping around in the water. We watched them for at least a half hour playing right were we were sitting or surfing. They did move further back, but still close enough to watch. I grabbed my camera and did my best to take some shots. I laugh about it, because it was so much fun to watch it was hard to keep my eye on the camera to see if I was shooting in the right spot. I ended up with a lot of ocean shots, and sky shots. But I did capture a few shots of them out in the water on my Flickr account . That was just the beginning. When they finally took off I picked up another book and had as Luke titled it, an epiphany. Im not going to go into that specific thing yet, but suffice it to say, it grabbed my attention.

Ashley had tried to surf for most of that afternoon, and eventually she came in with a bad headache, so we decided to head home. More Awesomeness was just around the corner..........

Exhaustion

ex·haus·tion (ĭg-zôs'chən)
n.

1. The act or an instance of exhausting.
2. The state of being exhausted; extreme fatigue: The runner collapsed from exhaustion.

I should be sleeping but it would appear that when I get to this state of over exhaustion I have to do something to unwind or I will lay there staring at the ceiling, and well I hate that its so unproductive! I mean, if I could I would avoid sleep all together, there is so much I would rather be doing in life.....experiencing in life......why do we have to sleep??? I blame those alpha or was it beta brain waves.

Have you ever had one of those days you just don't know if you could have fit anything else into it and not completely just fallen apart? Thats been today. Im not really sure what I think Im going to accomplish sitting here writing this, but out of my new frustration of not knowing why the printer driver has disappeared from this computer and needing a printer to print out some poems Id like to try entering into a Poetry Contest.......its just been one of those days. So I need to feel productive......if Blogger crashes, I may cry, fair warning!

Ill admit though that looking at the antonym of Exhaustion is kind of funny to me...again keep in mind anything you read from me tonight will have very little continuity, as I am EXHAUSTED.

exhaustion
n

Definition: tiredness
Antonyms: energy, liveliness, readiness, vigor

That was me today, full of energy, take it on, hit me with your best shot. They did, I have, Im done! :)

Today I must have boxed up and shipped at least 15 different Ebay items. There is something about just wanting it out of the house once I collect the money. So 2 trips to the post office, and well you all know just how much I love our Federal Post Office. First thing this morning I was up boxing up items, digging for boxes (why do I always forget about the boxes?), and then realizing I had to be at school at 9 am, 4th grade orientation meeting with a teacher that will scare me Im sure the rest of the year. Dont get me wrong, shes amazing, she literally was doing Algebra 2 in 2nd grade, unheard of by me anyway, until this month! I skipped out of there after paying for more upcoming events, school drains your pocket book, they just seem to find more and more ways for you to spend more and more money on REALLY great stuff....anyway, so off to the gym I went, I knew with all going on I was going to need stress release.....and then off to the first trip to the Post Office. Home, lunch, cleaned up and a quick chat with Dennis. That was nice. After I got off the phone David called to let me know he wanted to stop by here instead of me coming into the office to sign all the loan papers. Wonderful, the girls were mid setting up their "doll" world in the middle of the living room. Quickly getting them to partake in the quick run around to clean up the house, and then a reminder...Mom weren't you going to make him cookies? Oh yes! So cookies I baked. See David has been so much help in straighting out an error on my credit report, thats the least I owe him, especially considering him going through all that work to help me didn't pocket him another penny in his pocket. But it has made me loyal!

After we baked, cleaned up again, David showed up....signed papers............LOTS of papers. It just amazes me that they find up more papers to sign papers to fix typos on those papers that you need to sign. Seriously, we have gone over the edge in killing the trees required for the amount of paper required to finance a home! Done with that, he made sure I understood it all, yeah right :P and in a week my credit will be looking pretty good if I do say so myself. At that time I will be having a credit card cutting, burning party for any interested melted plastic partakers!

Off I went to run more errands, a short stop to get my nails done, a girls got to look nice you know, fought off the urge for Starbucks....can't spend all the money I will be saving on Coffee, or can I? Another trip to the post office, fun and my all favorite, a run to the Market. Why can't all food cost 10 cents like top ramen? Home unloaded, checked auctions, pulled out divorce papers, looking for the loan agreement my ex would like to alter and then spent too much time fighting with this computer with error messages that Excel wont work. I should have gotten the message, but I didn't so I figure thats why my printer isn't working now, although I did get excel working. Arrrrgh.....ok bedtime, I feel it now!

Addendem: So this morning Im sitting here looking over what it was I typed up last night, since last night is still a bit of a fog to me. I had to laugh because honestly, what I typed is how my brain works.........non stop.....scary huh! :)

Alpha, Beta Brain Power

Im exhausted! I got off the phone with Dennis about an hour or so ago and was still wired. Those of you who know my personality shouldn't be all that surprised.......today was amazing! Its one of those days you can't help but say ....wow, God is Awesome! So many things happened today that I have had to stop over and over again to just thank Him. Ill try to share more about that in the coming days, but suffice it to say, Im flying.

After getting off the phone the first thing I dug into was starting to pack up some of the items that closed today in my Ebay auctions. Over $800 worth of books closed. Im so excited! Im doing this well one, to cross off another on my 101 list, but two to pay for my kids field trips with their class trips again this year. Ashley wants to go to DC, New York, Williamsburg, etc with the 8th grade class, just as her brother did last year...I hardly blame her, but thats an expensive trip to pay for, never mind back to back two years in a row. Emily also wants to attend her class trip and the 4th grade class does the California Capital trip, not as expensive, but still on top of all the other expenses at the beginning of the year paying for her trip, since it is in October just adds up. So I tackled Ebay, Im shocked....amazed and excited, Ive done so well. So I boxed up 8 of the 9 things Ill be shipping (unless more is payed for first thing in the morning). So Im ready to fall in bed, but I need to excercise my brain.

Leslie, the 8th grade teacher at school, did a small explanation of what she hopes to teach her kids this year about what she learned over the summer about Alpha Brain Waves. In peach terms this is what I make of it. After understanding that my brain is usually in full speed rush hour mode...otherwise known as Beta Brain Waves....Alpha, effortless....not really me :P.....but as we doze off to sleep our brain gears down into Theta and Delta waves. During the period that we are sleeping (dreaming) our brain is still working......if we have too much going on in our head this is the reason why we have a hard time sleeping. Leslie explained to us if the kids would only look over their lessons the last five minutes before they turned off the lights, their brain waves would work all night long processing that information, effectively helping them score higher on tests and no need to cram. She said she tested this all summer long with her schooling and found it to be true. She scored higher.

With all this in mind, Ive decided to make sure I end each day ...reading the bible. How much more important and reassuring would each day be ahead if I spent the night reflecting on God's word, and not worrying about my silly things all night long. And so, with that....I will fall into bed and try to rev up my Delta and let go of my Beta :)

My Prayer

Today while driving back from the gym I was driving through downtown Vista struggling to keep myself away from Starbucks. Its a hard battle after being at the gym and feeling fit to stay away until the harsh realization that all the calories you just burned would easily be put back in with one simple Grande White Mocha, and Im sorry the non fat version just does not do the drink justice (anyone notice that Blogger will not allow you to put in apostrophes anymore?--thats my excuse anyway and Im sticking to it! :P) Ok back to my story.....so Im driving through town and had self control and did not pull over. I sat at a light and an old couple pulled up behind me in a Jeep, why did I notice this you ask? Simply because both were leaning over looking at my behind! OK well the cars rear! :P Anyway, so he starts reading it and Im a pretty good reader of lips.....he lips "Honk if one of the kids fly out" (why those quote marks worked and apostrophes dont I dont understand...Im sorry back on track---stick to the subject Jenice, sheez!) That statement Honk if one of the kids fly out is the license plate holder I purchased for my convertible.........its just too darn funny. So I see him read it to his wife (remember they are both older.....like almost too old to be driving old) he starts to laugh, she sits stone faced. Hmmm.....Im happy, I made one person smile today that I came across and it wasnt difficult to do so. My prayer however is this, Lord dont allow me to ever become a woman who cannot enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I want to laugh and smile and bring joy to those around me until they tuck me in my grave (or put my ashes into a pot--either or) because lifes just to darn short to not enjoy it!

So in addition to making that one of my prayers for my lifetime, its a new ambition of mine to put a smile on someone new's face each day I venture out of my home.........just think about how much more pleasant the world would be if we all did that!

Tidbits of Peachism

What 38 years has taught me (the once little pic tailed little girl)...........

• The best way to keep a smile on your face is to find something to laugh about, the best way to keep someone else smiling is to be able to laugh together.
• We don't always know what's best for us, but God's plan for our lives nothing can beat.
• When life gets rough, sometimes it gets rougher. But hold on, the greatness is just around the corner!
• Never stop believing in happy endings.
• If all you ever see is the glass half empty you will end up never having a full cup.
• Having a child fall asleep in your arms is something each of us must experience at least once in our lives.
• It's not morning until I've had a cup of coffee!
• Smile and say something nice to someone you don't know, encouragment can make people have a much better day.
  
• The more things I have to get done, the more I get done quicker.
• Being right isn't as important as being loving.
• Some of the best activities in life require you get a little sweaty :)
• Its much more work to hate then it is to love.
• When you stop looking for what it is you desire, it finds you when you least expect it.
• Living life is more important then making a living.
• Sometimes it takes God flooding your life 3 times to learn what he wants you to learn.
• Cherish each moment you have with friends and family, you never know when that will be the last time you have to do just that.
• If all else fails, just love and be loving.
• The less you own the less you have to repair.
• Keep your gaze upword, not inword.
• Never stop trying, and better stated NEVER quit!
• Grrr at the frustrations of life, don't let them get you down.
• Patience is a lesson hard to learn.
  
• There is no other feeling in the world then being in love.
  

I've struggled all month with my birthday looming over me. Cried many tears over it, but then time and time again I was reminded, that this isn't me getting older, just a day closer to the day I stand with Him. How can I for one instant not want to get older and get closer to that moment. As Chris said in church this weekend, I have a perfect body! We all do, those of us who believe in Jesus, we have a perfect body, flawless, beautiful, but not the bubbles we have here on Earth, but the ones we will be granted for all of eternity..........so thats excuse enough for me to go and enjoy some CAKE! :)

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

words and music by Ira Stanphill

Misfit

Im currently in the middle of three or four different projects. Painting the inside of a few of my kitchen cupboards, which I realize many do not see my rationale for that, but believe me they needed it!, sorting through the library for more things to sell in my attempt to cross off a couple of more items from my 101 project, printing out the kids schoolwork from the school's website, thats finally working!, and still in my exercise clothes from the gym. So in the middle of my madness the kids are still gone so I have ample of time to think.

Last night Dennis and I were chatting about the difficulty I might face if I was to move out of this area and whether I would miss my friends and family. I told him that I didn't see it being that much of a problem. With my kids still needing to see their father I would have ample of opportunity to see my family on a regular basis. Besides my sister escaped years ago, my turn! So that leaves my friends. As of more recently I have started to get more plugged in at church. Most, well all of my closest friends, have moved out of the state.....and I don't blame them, so with the needed change of churches and my new circumstances in life (being single again), I have really started getting active in church activities again. But, where does a single mom of four children fit in? Good question. One I really don't have much of an answer for. I still have other friends in the area. After serving in ministry for as long as we did, we made a ton of friends but they are all married. Where do I fit in on that. Don't get me wrong there are a few of my friends here locally that ignore the fact Im 'lopsided' and invite me to regular get togethers, but still, that makes the numbers odd instead of even. I find that humorous just typing that up....I make the event 'odd'. :) Anyhow, so that leaves my newly created single friendships from the church. But for the most part, they all haven't been married yet, or if they have they don't have children. So again I ask, where does a single mom of four children fit in? The answer I have is this, Im simply a misfit :P. Enough said!

Weddings!

I mentioned a couple of months ago I attended my cousin's wedding up in the San Jose area. I've had so many emotions after attending the wedding it was easier to just tuck it aside then to sit down and write about it. But after some of the reading I have been doing and then last night watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" again I thought it was time to finally sit down and process the mixed up emotions of my female brain.
(Side note: My absolute favorite part of this movie: that John Corbett who plays Ian Miller does not allow the complications of the situation to stop him from pursuing Toula!)

The drive up to that part of California (at least after you get through the LA area) is beautiful. I had purposefully made the choice to drive up alone and not with my family so I could stop and take photos and just enjoy the trip without having to talk. I didn't take photos on the way up, but I did stop and take photos on the way down. The wedding, it was beautiful.

Tim pulled out all the stops for his soon to be bride that weekend. From making sure the roses were trimmed just so, to hauling in fresh bark chips for the area around the roses to even vacuuming the lawn. I honestly had never heard of such a device until that weekend :)

During the hours prior to the wedding, I felt productive. Helping hang flowers, figuring out where to hang all the dirt bike posters (my cousin and his wife love to dirt bike), handling the centerpieces (with dirt bikes), and many other fine details, the craziness of it all helped keep my mind from thinking about what it was that was going to take place later that afternoon.

Weddings are the time to cry. Two people standing before God making their commitments to each other. To love and honor, till death do they part. Unfortunately to many people today just don't have any real understanding about what that commitment really is. The significance of what that ring thats wrapped around your finger stands for. Its hard to describe the range of emotions I faced watching this ceremony that afternoon.

What's happened to us? When and where did it become so much easier to walk away and give up then to keep a family together? A couple stands before God and commits to each other and to their friends and family to love and cherish each other, to walk away from that commitment, 5, 10, or 15 years later. What's happened to us?

Jokingly, but almost seriously when and if I get married again, I think the idea of having a tattoo stamped across the left or right rear cheek "Property of" is kind of appealing. I have no desire to have the big fancy white wedding as I did 17 years earlier. It's not that I wouldn't have it, its that its not an issue to me. To me the wedding could be as simple as sitting in a field on the backside of a mountain and stating those words, the commitment to each other with tears running down my face and an understanding of how seriously committed I would be to that man the rest of my life.

All things......all things can be worked together for good

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Rom 8:28 ...

If you were to ask me to come up with a life verse from the Bible to sum up how and where my life has been I would be hard pressed to limit it down to one. One verse in particular, Romans 8:28 has been recalled and noted considerably in the past year or so. Last night during our home fellowship time an event of my past came up as an encouragment to someone facing the same type of realization today. Reliving the past isn't easy, in fact it can be very difficult, but seeing that it gives a gift of hope to another ... it is worth the pain.

I grew up in a loving family. My parents were strict, but loved me and held me to a high moral standard. They didn't attend church at first, my mother started to attend a few years after I had been attending with a neighbor. As I grew up and faced my early teen years, those 'high moral' standards weren't enough to keep me in line. I've pointed out in the past I don't learn lessons easily. In fact, its a regular pattern in my life to learn lessons the hard way. So as I hit my teen years, I decided I didn't want to attend church anymore. I made such a fuss about not wanting to attend, that I was old enough to make up my own mind, my parents quit fighting with me over it and allowed me to stop going.

Sad thing about my church attendance up until then was the fact that the youth group I was a part of was NOT an example that the church would have wanted. I was in junior high and the only one at that grade level so they boosted me up to the High School group. They took me under their wing, but not in a mentorship mentality. It became a goal of theirs to make sure I experienced the life of a High School child. This was my first introduction into drugs and alcohol. My walk was not with the Lord, in fact I was walking my own path. So as I walked away from even attending church I continued to follow in that path and caused my parents much grief and tears. It shames and saddens me to think of the things I put them through now looking back as a parent of children that age.

Towards the end of my freshman year in high school, right before I turned 15, my life took a horribly wrong path. The guy I had been seeing and just broke up with, had called to see me out of the blue. I had a huge crush on him, blonde, blue eyed, 2 years older, and a surfer.....I forgave way to easily. One afternoon I put myself into a bad spot and ended up being in a home with him alone. He had intentions for me that afternoon. Ones I couldn't and wouldn't be allowed to say no to. I remember walking back to school to meet a friend with tears running down my face with the realization of what took place heavy on my heart. In those steps back to school I choose to tuck that event away, not deal with it, not mention it to anyone. I had figured I had closure, since a short time after this he was out with friends and partying it up, that was the last party he partook in and fell off a cliff at the beach. Sadly it is the case for many young women to not 'deal' with this type of event, but to burry it. As the years moved on however, I started looking hard for "something".

In the months before I married my ex husband I found my way back to church. I found my way to a relationship with Christ, one I hadn't known before. I finally began to understand what it was He had done for me, and accepted that and rededicated my life to Him. Slowly He was working on the event that had took place four years before.

While I had mentioned it in passing to my husband at the time, I don't think he had any idea what kind of ordeal it was or is to a young girl, or really any woman. In the early years of my marriage, looking back now, I can definately see the effects that event had in my life. I couldn't 'give' myself to my husband. There was a part of me that I just had to keep hidden. Later on right before my marriage ended he did relate to me that he had really held it against me for not being able to give myself completely to him for most of our marriage. Maybe Dennis is right, its just a blame game for someone who needs to blame someone other then himself, but those words do still haunt me today.

Around my 30th birthday a very close and dear friend of mine was talking to me. Honestly I don't even remember how we got into this conversation but she shared her story. She had been raped a few years before while pregnant with her 2nd son. Her eldest son was in the car when this happened. I can't even begin to find the words to detail the realm of emtions that began to flood my head. It's easy, oh so easy, to think the hardships we face, the trials we live through, that we are alone in that battle. God does cause all things to work together for the good. I was able for the first time to really open up and share what had taken place to me. I had shared a little up until that point but never really thought about the effects it had had on my life. I have never spoken of this to my parents, I won't. I would rather protect them from the pain of knowing that I had lived this and couldnt tell them. I love my parents to much for that. But that event, the hold that event had on my life, began to unravel quickly. Last night I was able to share that with the group. No tears, just words and conviction of how and what I have learned from my past. Im stronger today because of those events of my past. Not stronger in ....I can face anything, not at all, but stronger in character.

Romans 8:28 has been a signficant verse for my life. While yes, I do have a ton of questions for Him when I reach those gates of Heaven, I do have confidence in a way unexplanned that He will work it out, in His way, in His time. Now, I just have to learn the part where Patience comes in :)

Trophy Shot!

Today was the last lesson in my first session as an Intermediate player in tennis. When I walked up to the court 4 weeks ago my heart kinda sunk and then started to feel extremely intimidated as I noticed first the gender of all my classmates (men) and then the age (older--my father or grandfathers age). Yes I can laugh at it now too, but that first moment noticing what I had walked into ....I was scared and felt intimidated enough to almost walk back to my car, until Coach Tom walked up and nudged me into the court.

The first part of the drill was to notice the hats they all wore. I was in a usual visor, the men wore well, you name it....fishing hats, baseball caps, whatever the mood they had them. Coach Tom informed me that if I was to fit into this group I was going to have to get a funny hat.....hmmm I have yet to do that :P As the weeks have moved along I haven't felt as completely helpless. Its amazing when you move of a class, feeling a bit cocky...struting your stuff, hey Im good .....arrgh, pride! So there I was a lowly female and not on par with the guys there. Hard to believe I can be beat by a 70 year old man! Makes me laugh my head off today....and Im sure for some time to come. Today we worked on our volley shots, the angled volley and the drop volley. Yes on par I made a fool of myself for most of the shots, until I felt something inside of me saying, OK ILL show them! And I did, I think they all dropped their jaws on the court, and then those silly men, they started bowing before me, I drop volleyed that shot in the cross court in the PERFECT unhittable spot. (that was my best and only good shot of the day by the way, but let me bask in glory)

Its funny to me how things like this, a very uncomfortable environment can grow on you. I was laughing my head off at myself and with the guys as the lesson came to a close this morning. It would have been so much easier to chicken out and go back to the level I was comfortable at, but that would have resembled quitting, Im NO quitter. Will I return in 2 weeks for the same time slot? You BET! But Ill add, I think Ill be adding back on the advanced beginner class for one more round too, two classes are better then one in my opinion, and dang it I want to beat men that are old enough to be my grandfather!!!!! Have I mentioned how much I love this game? and how COMPETITIVE I can be :)


On a completely different note, let me just say this...selling on EBAY! its WORK. After seeing the 5 items I listed last week up over a hundred dollars, I got excited and listed well 25 more items today. It seriously, took me 6 hours! (ok not straight, but still....I sure hope its worth the effort!)

Think, Think Thinking I need a hug

My heads spinning. So many things to consider think about.........I need a hug, I think its just that simple. Im not sure when I realized that about myself, but sometimes when I feel snowed under or just can't seem to place what it is that I want or is going on in my head.......its simple, I need a hug.

Im stirred up a great deal about writing again. Neek and I stayed up till the wee early hours talking about the direction I want to take my 'book'. I think the next thing I really need to do is outline it. I should say the next thing Neek has told me to do is outline it. She's right! So many things to consider in it, but outlining where I want to go with it, how far into my past I need to dig up and write out I need to face and think about.

Dennis convinced me a while back to burn many of the letters I held onto from almost 4 years ago. The letters between him and her about me and his plans for his new life. They serve me no purpose having or keeping them, I just haven't dug them out to deal with them and burn them....His point was its more hurtful keeping them then not. So I will be dealing with this in the very near future. I don't look forward to it. Neek suggested there might be something from them I want to keep to use as a reference for when I go back and share my story. There may very well be something inside of that pile of paper I could use, the question I put before myself is this, am I ready to reread those 'words', the papers that made me feel like a fleck of dust in the air? Walked all over like dirt on the ground, but maybe just maybe I can handle it now. Words can have such a huge impact on people now and tomorrow, I think if anything that is one lesson I have learned well in life. Be sure how and what you document about yourself and others, the words you write may come back to haunt you one day.

Some of mankind's most terrible misdeeds have been committed under the spell of certain magic words or phrases.
- James B. Conant

I love this quote!

George Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah
Some men see things as they are and say why... I dream of things that never were and say why not.

Moments of Quietness

Yesterday on the way home from the beach we sat in traffic. Now of course that shouldn't really be a huge surprise considering I live in Southern California, the weather is absolutely perfect right now, its high tourist season and to top it off, it was FRIDAY! OK so we sat. Neek and I were busy talking up a storm so it wasn't as bad is it could have been since most of the time on the freeway we were crawling home on the 78. Neek was commenting on the fact that this was one aspect of this area she DID NOT miss, not that I could blame her, I have yet to find one person who really LIKES to sit in traffic. So as we crawled home my vision became clear as to why it was we were sitting in traffic. An accident, a horrible accident. All but one lane of the West Bound side of the freeway had been shut down, the SUV gold, involved in the accident, was totalled in a way hardly recognizable and then I looked down and saw the body bags. My heart sank. Two lives (that I could tell at that moment) had been taken, ended there on the freeway. In the blink of an eye, what was, was no more, the lives of many Im sure would be effected and changed in a way that would never be the same again.

My mind works in strange and reflective ways. Seeing or witnessing something like this makes me grab hold of the moment I'm in. Makes me want to Praise God for all that I have, and then I started thinking about how blessed I am, and how thankful I am for even the mess of my life that I can make it or feel that it is at times.

Last weekend I sat in church with Steve and Iva. She had asked me to come to their church on Saturday night and being that I didn't have the kids (well all but 1) I decided why not go to church 3 nights in a row :). So I did, and I was blessed in a way I hadn't known I would be as I walked in. Quay gave her testimony after the sermon had been given. She shared what her life had been. She was a single mom of 3 children, her husband had become addicted to the life of infidelity and that had ended their marriage. She had only been married 5 years. Silly thing was while I sat listening to her at first I felt envy. Envy! Of all the stupid emotions to feel, but I sat there thinking, well at least to only have spent 5 years instead of 14 in a marriage that was to end, Ill admit it shames me even to think that my thoughts could be so selfish. She continued on with her testimony....that after the divorce she had moved out to her family somewhere in the South. During the drive out there she and her 3 children 3, 2 and under 1 were in a severe head on collision. This collision, instantly ended the life of her youngest daughter. Tears ran down my face. The story had a happy end, she assured us of that....after months of physical therapy she recovered as did her other 2 children. While she was out there a friend set her up with her friends brother who lived out here. They were married not to long ago. As a song started to play pictures came up on a screen in the church, first pictures of the kids......all 3 of them, more tears, and then slowly so slowly recovery pictures and then, wedding pictures.

I like happy endings, I think if at all possible we must strive for happy endings. I believe that with a relationship with Christ we are guaranteed a happy ending. Maybe not here in this place today or tomorrow, but someday. But even with that knowledge just as each movie I watch MUST have a happy ending, I believe that one day my story will also have a happy ending. I won't give up on that hope.

“Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.” Peter S. Beagle

“Every end is a new beginning”

Dare to Dream

I haven't forgotten about my "project". It has just been difficult to find the time this summer to spend creatively. Sad part is that I find myself at peace when I am more creative. The time I find to take pictures and work with Photoshop or Illustrator I love the ability to just be expressively 'creative'.

Working with Dan at church has been very fun, and intimidating and well.........I question myself each time I go in feeling very inadequate in my ability compared to his talent....but none the less, I keep at it. If given the chance to 'Dream', to Dare to Dream what I could be.........it would be a Graphic Artist. I love to write too, it stimulates my brain and makes me think, but the artist within........if I had the ability to be great.......Id jump into this field with full force. But I timidly walk the line, not sure if I have what it takes, fearfully taking each new step....who knows what the future will hold.

Can't sleep

I tried..........I really tried! I tried to go to sleep but for some reason my mind is spinning tonight. I know what part of the deal is, my birthday is around the corner....looming.......sitting there, haunting me. Seriously....I don't know what the deal is this year, but 38 is really scaring me. I don't feel 38, I feel 30, ok 33 :). The past 5 years have to a great extent flown by. What have I learned in life so far? Shouldn't I be happily married? Shouldn't I be thinking about someday ......somehow.........what if? Scary thoughts.

My closest of friends...........are all out of state, and while Im tickled peach :) that Ill get to spend this weekend kinda sorta with Neek........that still leaves next weekend. Grr long distance I want to complain, but I've learned this in my ALMOST 38 years here, not to take for granted what you do have complaining about what you don't have.

So Im up, awake, tossing and turning...........dreading the fact that in less then 2 weeks......Ill be OLDER! In numbers but not in spirit. I just wish I could figure out why that number 38 sounds sooooooooooo much older then 37? Why!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Ok I've said my peace, for tonight. I think Ill pop in Sleepless in Seattle..........it will most likely put me to sleep :)

A Pleasant Surprise

After some work playing around on the computer and doing a search I have finally found the album I have been looking for. Last Friday night while out with friends playing games Stephany popped in an album called In the Name of Love. Now most of the time I am not a huge fan of tribute albums. I usually like the cause they are working towards and Ill get suckered into buying the album to benefit the cause, but then I never play the album. This ones different.

Im a U2 fan, always have been. This album over and over again people kept saying, are you sure that isn't U2? She would say again and again, I know its good isn't it! Its a charity album done to help out the Aids situation in Africa. Get it......Play it.......Enjoy it :)

A slip from the past

It's funny how you can go along in life and things slip out to remind you of the past. A card, a paper, a ticket or a picture.........they all have some sort of meaning that makes you stop to think about what may or may not have been. Today or really more like yesterday I had another of those slips, but this time the slip ended up being a pretense for a blessing.

Last year I had set up a Alaska Airlines credit card thinking I was going to have a need for miles to travel up and down the coast. I have had enough miles on that silly thing for some time for a free ticket but haven't had the need or reason to figure out how to actually cash it in. Yesterday in talking to Neek she was talking to me (again) about how much she wished they could scrap together the money for her to come down and surprise her brother on his 50th birthday. A huge lot of her family is going to be there but they just didn't have the funds for the trip. I glanced down while talking to her and the slip from Alaska Air sat right on my desk and I had a brain storm...."Neek, what if you could fly for free?"..............and that was how I begun my day, a slip from the past became a blessing for the future! To top it off Ill get to spend a day with her too while she comes down.........added benifit!

Fear

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Over the past few months it has become more and more apparent to me that I struggle with fears in more ways then I would like to admit. Im not sure however if its the fear of success I struggle with or the fear of failure. Or if its simply the fear of the unknown that can paralyize me at times more then anything else. This past week I faced one of those fears head on as I called my mortgage broker and confessed my sins as it were. Facing the fact that you have been overspending, not thinking and falling into the credit card trap as so many others all around me have I felt very ashamed of myself. The past couple of months looking over my bills and realizing that no matter how hard I tried it would be a long time before I would really see any huge difference on those credit card statements. It was almost as if a light went off in my head, a light of understanding that I haven't ever felt before to exactly what credit card debt is, the trap or snare it can be and how you can be in that place for years to come if you continue on that path. He was very quick to reassure me that in this market I had nothing to fear. Within 48 hours I had cleared away the paralization of shame and faced my fear head on with the realization and understanding that I could have all of it cleared away within just a few weeks. Fear faced and tackled.

Today as I talked with a girlfriend I heard myself telling her my fear and frustration of having my children come home after having spent a week with their father and the frustration (all based on fears after further pondering it) with the garbage he fills their heads with. Fear isn't something put in our heads by God. The voice in our heads that make us doubt ourselves, the fear that paralizes us, is not His voice. His voice is one of comfort, assurance, love and definately not one of shame. I'm learning this, maybe a little later in life then I would care to admit, but Im learning.

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams.
Think not about your frustrations, but about your
unfulfilled potential.  Concern yourself not with what you
tried and failed in,but with what it is still possible
for you to do.
- Pope John XXIII 

Feelings of inadequacy

I'm sure we have all had moments when we fill inadequate to deal with what is before us. It's a natural state in some ways when we are challenged to accomplish something and feel we don't have the skill, knowledge or understanding of just how to do the task set before us. I have been challenged in this way quite a bit lately. This past weekend was my first time playing golf in at least 15 years. I have played golf now exactly three different times. The first time I played was in high school. My second attempt was after I got married with friends and my husband. They all attempted at helping me learn to hit that ball and hold a club right, but still the idea of holding your arm straight and swing a club alluded me.

This past weekend my feelings of inadequacy were challenged one more time as Dennis spent most of Sunday working with me to learn the game. Im not sure what changed this time, but I can now swing a club, and even hit the ball. I can still remember the feeling when the club hit the tee just right and the ball went straight off ahead. Dennis cheered for me and my heart lifted, the pressure I was carring was no longer as heavy since I finally figured out how to do what he had been instructing me to do.

I know a huge part of what is in me is not to fail at the things I attempt to do. No matter how inadequate I may feel, I want to figure it out and learn the task at hand. I don't like to feel inadequate. But then again who does? Tennis instructions probably helped some, learning to keep my eye on the ball. I think ultimately though having Dennis cheering me on and encouraging me to keep trying was a big part of my attempt this time. So yesterday as I attempted to do a few things around the house (refinish the table, retouch paint up in some of the rooms, and prepare to meet with a mortgage broker), I revisted that feeling of inadequacy. Unsure of myself, my ability to do the tasks at hand ........fear started to grab my heart. But I reflected back on the things I have been able to do. That helped me take a step forward. I suppose its the accomplishments of yesterday that help us take on the challenges of tomorrow. I refuse to allow inadequacy slow me down in life. I have to many more mountains to climb!