Too Good to not be noted!

"Take time to work - it is the price of success
Take time to think - it is the source of power
Take time to play - it is the secret of perpetual youth
Take time to read - it is the fountain of wisdom
Take time to be friendly - it is the road to happiness
Take time to love and be loved - it is the nourishment of the soul
Take time to share - it is too short a life to be selfish
Take time to laugh - it is the music of the heart
Take time to dream - it is hitching your wagon to a star."
--anonymous

The question--What do you do?

There is one question in groups or gatherings that I tend to find myself uneasy or uncomfortable answering. I found myself in the same spot again last weekend. I was out with a bunch of people from church ... all single. So of course throughout the time we were together we had times to sit and chat and get to know each other better. The question of what one does for a living is one of those usually asked....and the one I hate to have to answer. Im not sure why really. For those who really know me they know my life is nothing but simple. My life is complicated to say the least. No schedule is ever set or ever remains constant...my life is a constant revolving circus!

So, I found myself talking with someone new and of course he asked....so what do you do? Hmm I said, smiling, thats rather complicated. See when getting to know people I dont want to share complete details with, saying Im a teacher is easy enough. Its true for the most part, I just dont get a pay check like most teachers do. Anyway, so he asks, I answer 'its complicated' with a smile and his reply, surprised me....he said Great! More to talk about then.

That talk has stuck with me for the past couple of days. We talked quite a bit and he seemed to really understand what Im trying to do with the classes Im taking. That made him ask me if I was going to pursue a career in Graphic Arts. Hmm. I told him I wasn't sure, probably because at first the sound of it sounded to good. Today though at the gym I thought hard about it while I was pounding away. Really for the past few years in all the things I have been doing, I have been playing around with designing brochures, posters, pamphlets, etc. I have been doing Graphic Arts in some respect. The stuff I enjoyed most was playing and designing on the computer. With the school, with the mom's support group, all of it....I enjoyed designing the most. I love to take pictures, (granted Im clueless how to use a good camera--but Im sure soon enough that will be fixed to). Its funny how a discussion can stick with you and you know there is a reason for it. The comment that stuck was, "what could be better then getting paid to do something you love"?

Ive been trying to figure out for a year now what it is I want to do with myself. Maybe, just maybe ...Ive got something now to explore. The more I think about it, the more I like it.

Saturday is the first class.....and it fits right in line with this. I suppose now Im just more excited about this then ever :)

"Doing business without advertising, it has been said, "is like winking at a person in the dark. You know what you are doing, but no one else does!" Steuart Britt

People keep telling me that one day the right guy will come along. I think mine got hit by a bus.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of a piano doing gorilla impersonations.

Don't settle for the one you can live with...wait for the one you can't live without.

It's Raining!

Some may think Im obsessed with water, and really there may be some truth to that. But even with that in mind it is indeed raining.

This morning I was driving after the gym with the top down, and 15 minutes after putting it back up for the kids it started to rain....it is still raining.

Its funny how conversations repeat themselves over generations and time. As I was driving tonight in the rain.. my daughter asked me the question I remember asking my parents years ago. Why do windshield wippers wipe the way they do--up and over...why not clear the entire windshield left to right. Not an easy question to answer in traffic on the spur...that' for sure! But none the less I did try to answer it the best I could. Finally I said, noticing she wasn't very happy with my reply, why does it matter....her reply, "it will drive me crazy to have those spots not cleared when Im driving...I remember thinking the same way! :) Too bad we can't kodak those moments to replay later in life to our grandchildren and their grandchildren's children :) ....then again a few years from now who knows....maybe they will clear the windshield left to right !

...I came home tonight with my hands hurting...I stopped and wondered why, and then I realized that I had been strangling the steering wheel driving tonight in the rain. I suppose the whirling experience we had up north eariler this month still is with me...things that happen to us often effect us more then we realize at first and last with us for quite some time.

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

"I love walking in the rain, 'cause then no-one knows Im crying."

“In our lives there is bound to come some pain, surely as there are storms and falling rain; just believe that the one who holds the storms will bring the sun.”

Water Water Water WATER!!!!!!!!!!

Im not sure what it is really, but I think in some ways Im cursed when it comes to anything having to do with water. My house has flooded ....3 times in the past 2 years, and never for the same reason. Recently someone from the church was repairing something for me and found that I was just days away from having another issue.....a old pipe breaking in the upstairs. He has since repaired it and all is good here. I thought... until..... Today!

I woke up WAY to early this morning to the sound of the sprinklers....note to self... I must go outside and figure out how to readjust the timers so that they dont go off at 5 am in the morning!! Anyway, so waking up like I usually do and grumbling to myself about why the heck they are going off so early in the morning I heard something pretty unsual about the water...it sounded wet. Ok wet may seem silly, considering its WATER, but it sounded off. I have this nack for knowing when something is just not right when it concerns water.

So Im laying in bed thinking to myself.... This is Sunday morning!!! I want to sleep in. I went to church last night so I could SLEEP in..... grrrrrrrrrrrr. So I roll over and try to ignore the sound. But thoughts of downstairs flooding filled my head and I finally said, FINE and up I got. I found the flashlight and tried to look out the window. But for some silly reason, when its dark outside and light inside a room and you use a flashlight....you see NADA! Anyway.....so I grumply go outside and yep....water shooting straight up in the air flooding the front yard and....the front doorway. Thank you daddy for fixing my front entrance with a lovely drainage area....because the water flooded it but was going nicely away from the INSIDE of the house. So I walked over and unlocked the box (luckily the key was hanging still from it) and turned off the system. The guy who put this system in for me put in some sort of fancy froo froo system, but the thing is I forget how to run it. But luckily I remembered how to turn it off.

I crawled back into bed after, but its just impossible to really get back to sleep after something like that. I did lie around for a bit but eventually I got up. I suppose that is why I ended up getting so much done today but still!!! WATER!!!!!!!!!!! Im doomed :)

I did think about trying to fix it myself today.....that thought didn't stay more then 20 seconds in my head. I am a capable person, capable of doing a lot of things. Im even good at hanging dry wall and painting...But plumbing? I think not! :) So daddy dear gets to come over and help me yet again ....must be nice to be needed by daughters so much :P

"Water is a very good servant, but it is a cruel master."

C.G.D. Roberts, "Adrift in America", 1891

"Hope and fear are inseparable."
La Rochefoucauld

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love. (Stendhal)

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

Hope

Rainbows to me are a symbol of hope. Sure when I see them I can't help but think of the story of Noah and the Ark, but there is more to it for me.

A little over three years ago my life was completely steered off course, at least the course that I thought I was intended to be on. That wasn't to be the plan for me.

Still filled with hope and certainty that things were going to turn out the way I wanted ......I sat on the beach and saw a rainbow. That rainbow was just one of several the kids and I witness on our trip to Maui.

One of our days we decided to explore the Island. Sure I was a woman alone with 4 kids , but come one...you really cannot get lost on an island the size of Maui. On this trip we saw so many beautiful aspects of that island. We drove up into the rainforest areas and saw rainbows in the waterfalls....that represented hope. We drove up the hills and cliffs of the island and got out and looked at the ocean in all of its slendor. It was an amazing day.......I feared nothing, yet my life was falling apart all around me. I had NOTHING to be secure in, but yet I was still hopeful. My faith kept me strong. My lifes verse has been now for 3 years... Hebrew 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Its funny how I always come back to this verse when Im struggling.

Ive had a fun day, no rest for me........ I met a bunch of new people, bowled for hours this afternoon, and reconnected tonight with a close friend and talked in length with another.

Tonights message was awesome. Chris Brown brought the letter to the Phillipian Church alive and made me think again. He used this illustration:

There were two twin boys, identical in looks in everyway....but they looked at life completely opposite. If one thought something was too hot, the other would think it was too cold. If one liked something the other different, and so on. The father decided one day to put all the birthday presents into one of the two boys rooms instead of dividing them up. He then piled a pile of horse manure into the other boys room. He put the boys into each of their rooms and closed the doors. Later he returned. The boy with all the presents moaned and complained about how this toy did't do this, how he had to read to many instructions to do that, and how nothing was done right. He then went to the boy who had the pile of manure in his room, and was amazed to see the boy with a huge smile on his face. He asked his son, why are you so happy son? The boys reply......with all this crap in here dad there must be a pony around here somewhere.

This illustration made me think............who do I want to me more like...........who do I find myself more like. Am I a cup half empy person, or a cup half full. I hope I can go forward in life continually looking for the good, even with all the crap that comes my way.

Can the Fire be relit?

I've come to a understanding of what I need in people or that special someone I allow to touch my heart. The fire or flame of strength to not give up.

A realization has occured to me and I hope by writing it down it will set within my heart and help me to avoid this again in my life. Additionally, I want to focus on this as a potential weakness within my son and hope that I can help him avoid this in his life.

Quitting defined is this:
quit (kwĭt)

v., quit or quit·ted (kwĭt'ĭd), quit·ting, quits. v.tr.

1. To depart from; leave: “You and I are on the point of quitting the theater of our exploits” (Horatio Nelson).
2. To leave the company of: had to quit the gathering in order to be home by midnight.
3. To give up; relinquish: quit a job.
4. To abandon or put aside; forsake: advised them to quit their dissipated ways.
5. To cease or discontinue: asked them to quit talking; quit smoking.
6. Computer Science. To exit (an application).
7. 1. To rid oneself of by paying: quit a debt.
   2. To release from a burden or responsibility.

Divorce to me is the epitome of quitting.

Looking back over my past in both cases my marriage that ended over 3 years ago and in a more recent relationship there were early signs of this 'character flaw or trait' I should have seen and noticed and avoided in my life. If a person is capable of quitting in some things in life I believe now that it will be easy for them to give up later in life and not face the problems as they come about. Im a problem solver. But thats not all, Im a visionary. I dont accept things as impossible to figure out. Im sure its a gift from my parents and theirs passed down. This was something demonstrated early on in my life...life will get tough but you dont give up, you keep going.

The problem with our culture today however, divorce is to prominent. Its like a sickness eating away at our souls. Creating a gap within people to not want to face difficulty, but to turn from it. The term used today a lot is 'throw in the towel' or 'cut your losses short'. I dont believe those terms should ever be used with people. There is no way to 'cut the losses short' when you are involved with somone and feelings are involved. You leave scars with them the rest of their lifes.

Can the fire be relit within a man or a boy. Is it inevitable that a son who watches or lives with a father who has left him in one sense or another to end up lacking the desire to fight for the things he cares about or loves.....Can that fire be lit again within a man .....the fire or passion to carry on, to keep going, to face the problems head on...if a son witnesses his father giving up. Is the strength of the mother enough? The answer to that question scares me. Because if its no, I know the path ahead of my son.

Is Chivilary dead? No, I dont mean the ability to open doors for a woman, to pay for dinner, and all the usual examples that ties in with the first understanding of this word. Is Chivilary in its truest form dieing? Fading away ......I refuse to believe that. I've met men ....some of them are married to my dearest friends, who would fight for their family to the death. Chiviliary isn't dead. But my search now is for the man who with God's strength in his heart, won't throw in the towel or cut his losses short when obsticles present themself.

"Never, never, never give up. "
Winston Churchill

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. "
Thomas A. Edison

Springtime!

Spring is in the air! I LOVE this time of year. Winter is gloomy, dont get me wrong I do love the Christmas season and seeing the snow, but I Love Spring time. Spring is like a burst of fresh air... well it really is :)

Yesterday I had the top down on the convertible almost all day. It wasn't like it was just warm enough, you WANT to have the top down. Im sorry but I dont get people who buy a convertible and then dont want to have the top down because they are afraid what their hair will look like. If you dont want messed up hair, don't buy a convertible....it goes with the territory!

Spring is a time to pull yourself out of the gloominess. Everything around you is amazing in color, birth, the air. Its never to warm, never to cold in spring. Babies animals everywhere are being born...and who can resist the face of a duckling . I love to visit the Wild Animal Park this time of year, so many babies to see.

I think its easier for me to be gloomier in winter then any other time of the year. Spring is a time of birth, fresh awakenings, new beginnings.....thats what I see ahead of me. You can't help but smile this time of year.

This weekend I get a break from being a mother (at least in day to day responsibility) and Im going to focus most of my thought on what I want to get done and do this Spring. Where I want to visit, etc. Of course finishing the 2nd season of 24 is on my list, reading a photography book and definately sleeping in and staying up late :)

Things I love most about Spring are:

Easter,
warmth
Easter Egg Hunts
laughter
Butterflys
no need for jackets
Baby animals
beginnings
Colors
hope
flowers

The best part of spring....its the season before Summer :)

Et redit in nihilum quod fuit ante nihil.

(yes thats in latin :) tis the benifit of teaching my children a classical education...I get to learn some Latin along the way defined: It began of nothing and in nothing it ends

"The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings." Dave Weinbaum

Some people see things the way they are and ask why. I dream things that never were and ask why not.

"One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. "
Franklin P. Jones

Love doesn't make the word go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Franklin P. Jones

Kudos to S.D.

I dont get on the political band wagon much but today Im a little loaded with thought.....so bare with me:

At the gym this morning (which is my time to catch up on the news) I notice the bi lines about whats taking place in S. D. : "S.D. Closer to Strict Abortion Limits" so when I got back to my computer I did some looking, and I had to hunt for it. It amazes me that this topic can get burried under all the other news, when it is such an IMPORANT issue when you think about all the lives each day that are killed through abortion. No, Im not a Activist, but I do have strong beliefs and taking the life of an unborn child is just WRONG. Im not just saying this with a one sided view. I come to this belief looking at it from different viewpoints. I wouldn't be here today typing this, had my parents decided that since I was conceived before they were married to go to a nearby abortion clinic and rid the problem. I am here because my parents had strong beliefs...Abortion is wrong. I also had to think about this for myself. When I was younger I was put into a position, no one should have happen, after this it was a fear I faced, what if I was pregnant? What would I do if I was? Abortion wasn't a choice. I dont think they should completely ban Abortion....we know what happened to too many women in the past when it was outlawed, but at the same time, laws should be in place to really make someone think about it.....and an abortion at 7 months into your pregnancy just should NOT be acceptable.

"The Bible clearly affirms that human life is not the product of impersonal chance plus time. Man did not evolve from lower forms of life. God directly created man in His image, which means that we have the capability of rational thought, personality, and moral responsibility. Someone may argue that this is simply a matter of faith. I would say that it is a matter of reasonable faith. The view that something as complex as human life is the product of pure chance is a matter of unreasonable faith, because there is simply no evidence or other example of such complexity arising from random chance."

"When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another." Helen Keller

"It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had. " Elizabeth Kubler

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo

Sometimes you just need to cry

A tear, or crying is something that for me, and I guess most women, just have to do. I think when the pressure builds up, when the emotions are raw, when the pressure is to much, or the feelings too great...the only release you can have is that of a good cry. A good movie, an emotinoal moment, it doesn't take much. But sometimes things just pile up, the things that take place in life and eventually you just have to cry.

The moments that I have shared with anyone who has been vulnerable to shed a tear with me have been some of the most precious I have ever have or ever will.

A tear represents to me:
joy
passion
happiness
loss
hurt
pain
fear
emotion
Its like the build up of raw emotion flooding the gates....vulnerability in its truest and most beautiful form.

Many a song has either been written about a tear, brought about because of a tear or caused a tear to be shed.

Jerry Vandivier ended a song of his this way....Maybe someday youll reflect upon the past......and youll think of me, I hope youll think of me, like I think of you, with a smile and a tear. Or the song by Thao Nguyen...tallymarks.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.
Victor Borge

How come we choose from just 2 people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

Tuesday

(Dont worry I have no intention of making this a weekly underwear approach to blogging :P)

I do like Tuesdays though. Everything is always better on Tuesday. Today for instance I found treasure! TREASURE! Im like a little kid I realize that at times but there is just nothing sweeter then putting on a pair of jeans, putting your hands in the pockets to straighten the pockets out against your legs and what did I find???????????? MONEY! OK admit it, you know what Im talking about.....who cares it was only $3.00....it doesn't matter! The feeling is the same as if I had found $50.00 (which just wouldn't happen) I found treasure!!! It HAS to be a good day!

On another note:

The other day as my eldest daughter was yelling at the younger two to get out of her room, they were busting up about something regarding the picture hanging on her wall. She likes the new Carrie Underwood CD and inside of it has a poster.....take a look for yourself:



So what was so funny, the girls were saying something about a butt in the picture....they thought it was hilarious. I didn't pay attention really until this morning (after discovering my treasure) I was sitting and having another cup of coffee in the kitchen looked over into my daughters room (frustrated to see her bed still unmaid) and looked up at the photo....my gosh it does look like there is a butt in the picture :)

(click on the picture if you dont' see it at first here)

(Confirmation of the week looking up....received 24 2nd season in the mail as well as all the cd I ordered... (the cd is as great as I had hoped :)--how could it not it has the word peach in it a couple of times :))

"Love is knowing that above the dark clouds the sun always shines."

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

"I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself". Brittany Renée

It takes a minute to like someone, an hour to love someone, but a lifetime to forget someone

Grrrr Mondays!

There is just something unsettling about Mondays. Everyone needs you, everyone calls you, you don't have enough time, the computer seems to always pick this day to be a problem, you dont have enough energy...........grrrr Im grumpy!

Ever notice that when you start to feel frustrated or grumpy, everything looks worse then it is to. Relationships, lack of relationships, parenting, whatever it is....its all worse on a Monday!
I dont like being grumpy. It goes against who I am....I like to be cheerful, hopeful, happy....but Mondays make it difficult! Maybe I should wear a sign on Mondays....."Monday beware of grumpiness"!

Oh there is the good news to, we have the rest of the week to get through still too :P


Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Why do we fall, sir? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up. (Batman Begins)

It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you. (Batman Begins)

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. (The Notebook)

Today

the day breaks
the earth quakes
my love is unchanging

the trees rustle
while people hustle
my love is unchanging

love unending
never pretending
my love is unchanging

--J

Change is never easy

Today after putting it off for months and months we attended a new church. Church on Saturday night now what a cool concept! Sleeping in on Sunday morning :).

Ive wanted to try out a new church for some time now. Its never easy to do that though. Change is never easy. Moving, new job, new anything I think its easy to allow yourself to get paralized in comfortablness and not want to break out of that spot....simply because you know what to expect. But surprisingly, I have been finding more and more that, when you push yourself to do what you feel challenged by, in this case for me trying out a new church, you end up being surprised with the results. Pleasantly! I really was more nervous about this for the kids then for myself. Worried that since they have had enough thrown at them ...change wise that is, the last thing I wanted to do was to add to that. But with everything thats gone on....I felt the need to challenge my trepidation so to speak and try out a new one. Now I have attended other events at this church but never a Sunday (or Saturday night....such a cool concept!) service there. Its kinda a brain storm idea this church has going. Its what some might call a mega church.....and I have never attended a Mega church outside of visitations. We attended Real Life Ministries up in Northern Idaho last weekend....Now thats a MEGA church...but with North Coast.....I like what they have come up with. The church has different venues at a bunch of locations....Iowa even believe it or not. The main or live service is telecasted into a bunch of other spots. The one I attended tonight...at the Edge, was great. I could go to a laid back 'environment', listen to some cutting edge music, HAVE STARBUCKS when you get there....and still see the people from like 3 or 4 other spots on the campus after church. The kids are all in the same spot...they even shuttle kids from other locations in our area over for church but the parents dont have to drive to far to get to church. Church goes to them instead of vice versa. I also really like the feel of a church that is "come as you are"... its comfortable. OMG and the pastor used the word 'bogus' in his sermon no less then 3 times :)

So how did the kids respond you ask? It was an overwhelmingly We Love This Place experience for them. They ran into kids from school and Awana's right away, and well....My son --(they have EVERY video game in the world mom!) Sports posters all over, a basketball court within the room you name it they had it.... So change maybe a really good thing for us!

Oh and Im going to try to post a quote with each post from now on or 2 or 3 if I can't deicide...so for today:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)

The first time I saw you, I knew it was true. That I'd love you forever and that's what I'll do. You don't know what you do to me. You don't have a clue. You don't know what it's like to be me looking at you

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, again. Then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. (Oscar Wilde)

Feelings of Inadequacy

Today my 7 year old brought me to my knees. She was invited to attend a birthday party with friends from school. I was excited for her, since she is new to this school and just now starting to adjust. So I dropped her off to watch Curious George...cute movie, brought tears to my eyes even (I know Im hopeless we got to see this up in Idaho) and then she went over to LampPost pizza after. I went in to pick her up and she is beaming....she had 3 stuffed animals she won from one of those silly game machines. She has been plunking way to much money in them for way to long now. (In Vegas as I was asked about all the slot machines Ash explained to her that she kinda was addicted to those stuffed animal machines like people get addicted to slot machines in Vegas....I had know idea how right she was) after the excitement settled down a little bit, the mother came over to me. there is just nothing worse(humbling so) then a mom coming to talk you.....they always have a look in their eyes...(I know this because I have had many a talk to moms myself). She asked me if I was aware my daughter had $17.00 in her pocket. I informed her I was not. So from there you can imagine how the conversation went. Me feeling humiliated...and then I find out she had asked her if I knew she had that money....and Jess said yes. So now I have a daughter who not only snuck money out of the house, is addicted to games and now lies! I did the best I could at the place to talk to her without causing a scene....required her to give one of the stuffed animals to the birthday girl...and then as soon as possible ducked out of the party.

The drive from there was proceeded with tears from me at first....later from her. Explaining integrity and honesty to a 7 year old is hard. (and hard is even understated) I miss the days of the kids being young enough to put over my knee or to drop them in a crib when they did something wrong. Usually it was something as simple as touching the wrong thing...or going into a place they were not allowed....its soooooo much more difficult now.

As we continued home and had to run a couple of errands I started to think though. I was upset and frustrated and humiliated...but then I remembered my own childhood...

I remembered how when I did something wrong it would be hours if not a day or more before I felt like things were restored with my mother. The feeling that your mom doesn't love you is the worst thing in the world. I know it still is a huge part of me today in how I respond to things. Neek had pointed this out to me when I wrote this blog. So I made sure before we went back in the house that I said all that needed to be said and cleared the air and told her nothing more would be said about it.....and I told her I love her.

I think honestly this is when I miss or struggle the most at being a single parent. To have someone to just tell me I did the best I could....that Im not a total failure as a parent....to encourage me if you will.

My head hurts!

One of the most horrible ways of waking up in the morning is with a head ache. Im sure it must be a partial side effect of the lack of mass amount of coffee and caffene based products and lack of McDonalds going into my body (thank goodness). At the same time I haven't been so good at taking my vitamins and such.....one day Ill learn.

Today I gave my younger girls an education in music :D. After finding the band I spoke of in the last post I started thinking a lot about music. That band has a similiarity to the Beatles...imo. (maybe just by the fun aspect of the lyrics) Music has always been theapeutic for me. I can loose myself in it or find myself. If Im having a bad day, if I put the right kind of music in it can change my mood in minutes.

During the trip I found myself replaying a lot of songs...especially in that last half of that drive to stay awake. Songs that had the ability to keep me awake. ie....music from Feist......Mushaboom is a really cute song Joy Wiliiams, I listened to off and on, Beautiful South's Gaze cd...the first couple of songs are funky and silly, thats exactly the kind of thing I listened to to keep awake. Wilco and Katie Meula we listened to quite a bit as well. The kids thought I was mad at times, but one does what one needs to keep awake. Ill often even pop in a cd from a broadway production that has a fun beat to sing to. The kids do get a kick out of that. I will say though during the last 3 hours of driving they knew how tired I was and said nothing about what I was playing for music.

So today I was reflecting on where my appreciation for music started. I recalled my childhood. I remembered one year being up in Northern California and being bored out of my mind. My cousins where quite a few years younger then me...now while they are a hoot to be with, at the time I didn't enjoy being stuck with lil kids. And me play with my sister? You must be kidding, she is younger then me and I was a new young teenager who had no interest in anything but myself! So this one summer I found myself locked up in a room listening to old lps of my aunts. I stumbled across a Beatles Album. Now today I looked and looked and could not find the right one, or my memory just isn't what it use to be. I could sware it was the St. Peppers Lonely Hearts Band L P, but on this you cannot find Maxwells Silver Hammer, so maybe it was 2 lps. Anyway I remember listening to those songs over, and over, and over and over. Ill bet you anything I put a permenant groove into it. Something stange about music and me, if I find a really good song I can listen to it over and over and over. Its like I have to hear it for all its worth ...absorb it if you will.

Ok so back to the beginning of my story ...somewhere I went off track. Today I was talking to the girls about music. They really liked the song from the boy least likely to band as well. So I went ahead and downloaded a Beatles album....the St. Peppers one. Now I can't say they are sold on it, but I got to share with them a story.....I think thats important you know...passing along bits and pieces of who you are to your children.




On a completely different topic.....wheres my DVDs from Deep Discount I ordered the 2nd season to 24 3 weeks ago (Im hooked).....grrr it says it was shipped on the 28th....ummm Ill bet you someone on my street is enjoying it right now as I type this!!! I picked up season 3 today at Target but hmm I don't know if I dare watch it before season 2....something about keeping life in order...Im strange that way :P

Grrrr Grrrrr Grrrrrr

Stumbled across a new band today.....but man am I frustrated! Apparently they only have albums in the UK at this point....so Im stuck having to order the album from Amazon UK..... Im so spoiled Im use to being able to download anything I want immediately not having to wait!!!!!

I lack patience in a BIG way!

heres a link if you care to hear a song from them.....although the site I found it on may not have it up much longer

The Boy least likely to: Be Gentle With me song


This song is truly made for me :P

Review of band


the boy least likely to website

More grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr had I been a little more patient I would have found a US site to order from, and on the bands own web site they have 3 songs to listen to as well.....there is just something super refreshing about this group. And can I just add that I think its too cool that you can still buy 7 inch albums! OK I realize this shows my age a bit but Im sorry Im so nostalgic (I hope that is spelled correctly but wouldn't be my first spelling error). I just love fun music and OMG there is a banjo in some of their songs....I am a serious nut! Seriously! So for good measure one more time grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr







I found this at elephanthug.com....interesting music samples and artwork

Unfinished/ Unspoken Words

Caution.....high probability of rambling ahead :) Proceed at your own risk

Neek had told me to sit back and do nothing today. A nice idea just simply impossible in my case. I did get to sleep in until 9 am. That was a nice treat. But around that time the kids started to come upstairs and grumble about being hungry.....hmm I have to feed you? was my reply :P

So after getting myself up and moving, I took care of replenishing the food, picked up the mail that had been on hold for 10 days....wow there is a lot of garbage that you get in the mail you know...it becomes more apparent when it is gathered together. Then I got busy tackling the mounds and mounds of laundry....a lot still left to do there.

I did want to make sure I called it quits early. Im tired. Soooo tired. Hard to believe sitting in a car driving can make you feel so completely drained. Im sure it has something to do with all that has taken place in the past few weeks on top of the trip. So I decided to watch a couple of movies. I first watched The Cutting Edge. I had been putting it off, but went ahead and watched it today. Very cute movie....my kind of movie.

After that and when the kids had gone to bed I watched Just like Heaven. Another really cute movie. This one has the feel of Ghost with Demi Moore in it but with Reese Witherspoon in it instead. Different script but same idea. And while yes, I relaxed it did make me think quite a bit about the idea of unfinished business and unspoken words. Im a firm believer that you should always be sure to never leave anything unspoken...especially to those that you care about. I think one of the worst things in life would be later on to have these thoughts in your head that I wish I would have done...... or said...... That would just be the worst way to grow old.

I think Im in this kinda deep reflection still from Monday. That entire event really kinda was a 'life changing' ordeal you know. When faces truly flash in front of you, and you have the time to sit as long as I have the past 2 days and reflect on so much, you really look at what is important and ask yourself if there is still any unfinished business.

I want to know without a doubt that those I care about knew how much and knew how important they are to me. I think in some ways Monday was maybe a 'fresh start'. A new beginning if you will. A gift of tomorrow. Ok Ok a little thick and well emotional Ill give you that. I guess the bottom line is this, I do not want to have regrets in life. Maybe thats too much to ask or hope for, but I want to know that the things I wanted I went after. The things that were important, I fought for. The people I love I did my best for ....does that make sense? People are priceless. We should have signs on our foreheads....precious package proceed with caution. (Im a newly converted believer of caution signs ....CAUTION SLIPPERY WHEN WET or ICY!) and in my case (CAUTION- Emotional messed up female proceed with caution!)

I squeezed the life out of it!--Relax the Im talking about the steering wheel

Seriously I did! My hands squeezed the life out of my steering wheel today.....I have at present count 20+ blisters on my hands to show for it. While that may make some people quite proud to show....for me I can't say enough about how happy I am to be home. But my hands! my hands!

I left Boise this morning at 5:30 am (4:30 pacific time) and drove up to my driveway at 11:15 this evening...was it me who said 14 hours? I can honestly say that this was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am presently wired....hmm no that honestly doesn't sum up how I am feeling, but with as much caffene that is in my system.....its a start. See last night I was able to get a whole 3 hours of sleep. The days events had my head spinning so I didn't and couldn't sleep very well. What I wanted most was security and the only way to get it was to get home. I have consumed today exactly 4 diet pepsi/cokes, 2 venti coffee's, a bag of chocolate covered expresso beans and with Neeks prompting 1 of those Starbuck frappachino deals. I felt like giving up about an hour ago. I had nothing left in me.....so I went for one more round of sugar and cafffeine, and hoped for the best. Driving in the dark stinks, and while this morning it was difficult this evening was even more so. I had never drove the passage from Vegas to here in the dark before, nor the Cahon pass. Both scared the pants off of me! What is it with semi trucks thinking they own the road! I was talking to a friend about this eariler. I sware they wait for you to crawl up behind them to decide to pass the other one in front of them.....seriously I watched this happen time and time again. I mean in this day and age, do we really need to send stuff via a semi truck, can't we just ship it some other way?????
So with this quest a success I leave you with some thoughts about the states I visited.

Idaho....Seriously...FIX YOUR FREEWAYS! I mean three are grooves that make you swerve all over the place.....why not hike the 5% sales tax up a notch and fix em?

Washington... Of all the states in the US besides California I could have seen myself living here. Then with yesterdays event in Spokane, I think the state is telling me to stay away. I will add this...Washington was pretty smart in posting up signs telling motorists to stay in the right lane and only use the other lane to pass with. Add the word legal or lawful and for some reason motorist listen. Actually I thought that was standard in all states, just ignored. So bravo to the state for actually posting a sign...it works. "However...one small flaw. When it rains. See it doesn't rain in Washinton all of the time like some may think......so in nice weather you have all of these motorists traveling in the one lane. Then it rains...what happens? You have a super slippery lane and well.....Id advice...add this line to the sign....'except in bad weather, use the opposite lane to stay on the highway'............peach wisdom
Oh Oh oh and one more thing........I seriously believe that Washington goes out of its way not to label the freeways better so that you have to get lost in this state!

Oregon...Hmm what can I say about this state? Well I did avoid getting a ticket this year....by the use of my wonderful cruise control, I was NOT going to get another speeding ticket. But seriously....all the states around it have a 70+ speed limit...whats the deal?

Utah....Wheres the Starbucks?? Ok Seriously there are almost no Starbucks in all of Idaho and Utah....we can thank the Mormons for that one! (I mean seriously how bad could a cup of coffee really be for you!) I was desperate for coffee today and had to wait hours to find a decent cup.......Kudos for Arizona for having a billboard for Starbucks posted before entering the state!~
Additionally, Women drivers in this state are clueless. See where Washington has it down...with regards to passing lanes and all...Utah, well the women drivers in Utah that is (at least from what I saw) dont have a clue what passing is all about in this state.....maybe thats why the men had to take on more wives for so long!


Arizona...well for the whole 30 minutes I travelled through this state, outside of the fact they DO have Starbucks, I fell in love with the canyons. Im seriuosly thinking of going back (without the kids) to a spa and spend some time photographing them.


Nevada....hmm flat, dessert and well VEGAS but other then that nothing else to add. I did manage to hit rush hour both times, good timing on my part I suppose.
Note: The kids did make this comment while I was getting Starbucks and dinner....how come the people here are so scary looking in Nevada? (of course we were in the Vegas vicinity at the time mind you)

Montana....well ok really only for seconds, the skiing resort happens to sit right on the border, but since I had an incredibly great time skiing....I love this state!

Final comments ( at least for tonight)

Kudos to Verizon for the phones abiilty to set its time all by itself. Since I hopped time zones back and for a lot this past week it was nice to always know what time zone I was in.

Whats with all the road kill left all over the road? Whos suppose to clean it up.........my gosh its everywhere!

The Quest!

What am I doing up at 5:00 am you might ask, I am asking myself that at the moment too especially considering that Im in the mountain time zone and yes its an hour earlier in reality. Im wired, I can't sleep and yet I wonder can I drive the 14 hours I have left to get home in one day? That is the quest....can I? Better yet, is it smart to? Arrrgh not sure, but Im going to try, so keep me in your prayers, I just can't wait to get home into my own bed!

Ill leave you with one word...Ugg

Ugg you ask, UGG I say, the life changing only way to handle the northern part of this continent. After being up north and freezing, I mean I was a literal ice cube, I was miserable the first day, (of course they keep their home a balmy 64 degrees ) Laura suggests I wear her boots.....OMG life changing, made all the difference in the world, so now I sit here in my own pair of boots....I really didn't think Id like them ....but I was WRONG --I LOVE THEM! Funny thing is I was just getting use to the cold, I mean yesterday at the mall in 40 degree weather walking around outside at what 9 pm I was enjoying the temperature....its all relative I suppose....I guess you do just learn to adjust...BUT Friday its suppose to be 8 degrees up north...Im looking forward to the sunny temperatures of home :)

White Knuckled Experience

Today Im alive....hard to belive after experiencing the drive I had from Up North down to Boise. Early this morning as we head off to Spokane, it was snowing! Snowing!!! It was beautiful until.....we started to drive in it. Cars were swerving, but I held on. I figured it was a heavier car, they were on the road and no chains I should be ok. I was wrong. About 15 minutes into our drive, with a fresh WONDERFUL coffee from the cutest little shop The Leapord Latte, the semi truck that had been in front of me started to slow down, but I couldn't keep the truck from advancing into it, so I decided to go over to the other lane, one I didn't want to go to, it was more icy, but had no choice, .....and then I swerved....tried to control the car but I couldnt and lost control, 2 complete 360 degree turns we made on that freeway just outside of Spokane. The girls screamed, and then started to cry, they thought we were going to die. I was in shock. Before I knew it the car was over to the side of the road, stalled and we weren't hit....by some miracle, we were alive. Three semi trucks flew by and didn't hit us. The 3 cars behind me spun out and hit nothing....we were alive. It took everything in me to continue on. That was after I could figure out how to use my head and get the stalled car working again. For some reason it doesn't want to start when not in park. :P Onward we went, and I still in shock. It took about an hour to get to where the road was no longer slick and scary. At this point it hit me. I started to cry....my life and everything important in it flashed by me. I saw faces that mean so much to me, and I cried. But I had to keep myself in control....couldn't completely let go, had to show myself to be brave for the kids. The road was longer then I remembered going up from Boise. We hit so much bad weather and at times I hardly could see 10 feet ahead of me. But tonight, I am alive.....I thank God for that. To think this was anything but a God experience you would be kidding yourself.

Note: My youngest later tonight as we sat eating with friends, said. I want to do that again....that was fun! arrrgh.... the mind of a 7 year old, to have that again.


Do I really have 14 hours more of driving to go.....I do and the goal to get it done and over all in one haul...maybe unrealistic, especially if they are saying possible snow here tonight....but Im praying I can do it.

COLD!

Ok cold takes on a completely new form up here in these parts of the world. Last night Neek and I got to go and see Pride and Prejudice. I was pretty excited...I've been wanting to see this movie since it was released and being that we are up here were movies that are in video/dvd are still in some theaters we were able to find it playing at a nice theater still. At first we were the only 2 in the theater, I wonder if no one pays for a ticket if they run the movie anyway... hmm, two more individuals came in once the movie had started, but other then that the theater, Boise, most everywhere seemed empty. The movie was good, Neek was worried it wasn't really what I needed, but actually it was JUST what I needed. Keira Knightley played the role of Elizabeth Bennet wonderfully well, as for Mr. Darcy, well anyone other then Colin Firth....Im sorry it would be hard for them to measure up. Matthew MacFayden did an ok job, but he just wasn't Colin. I've read the book, Ive seen the 5+ hour movie countless times, its just impossible to do this movie in under 5 hours. So much was left out. So I tried to see it as a completely different movie instead of comparing the 2. The scenery was beautiful....I want to know where it was filmed, in fact one day I would love to see where it was filmed. But I suppose the thing that stood out was the heart of Lizzy. Keria is beautiful. Not just outwardly she is able to grab the heart of Lizzy and play it so well. So we leave the theater after midnight and its COLD not cold but COLD. Must have been in the mid 20's and thats just so cold it made my muscles and joints hurt....as Neek pointed out, this will probably be nothing compared to Coeur d'Alene... hmm maybe Ill be stopping to buy something to cocoon myself into..... Im such a baby I realize Ive spent too much of my life in warm weather Im not use to this kind of cold.

Why is my faith so important?

This question was posed to me a few months ago. I was kind of disappointed I never really had the opportunity to share the answer to it. It has sat on my mind for some time and so I thought it I would answer it now.

Not so easy though...sometimes you just know things but they are hard to put into words. Articulating just the right words can be difficult at times. But sometimes if you just start it gets easy, that's the hope here. So I'll attempt to write it out....but I may revise it in the days ahead.

I suppose the best way is to go back to the beginning. I was 5. I was 5 years old when I first was invited to start attending church from a neighborhood friend. She and her family were very active at church and invited me to start attending Sunday school. I learned the usual stories one learns from Sunday school, but unfortunately the most important aspects of my faith were not taught to me at this church. In fact, my experiences in going to "church" from early childhood on were pretty horrible to say the least. The influences I gained were more on the bad side then good. Around the age of 12 I went through that 'rebellious' stage. I decided that I didn't want to attend church any longer, and gave my parents a really difficult time about it, so much so they stopped fighting with me over it. Around 14 or so I went through a really rough period ...things happened that shouldn't happen to a 14 year old. (or anyone for that matter) That brought me to my knees and made me start searching for something to give me a purpose in life. Later in my teens I reaccepted Christ into my life. This time with a compete different understanding of what it meant. A personal relationship. Not a church relationship. And that was my start. Up until then I had had a "religious" experience with the church. I had no understanding of what prayer was about, in fact I was uncomfortable at the thought of it.

Today...my faith is what gets me through all that takes place. Without it I'd be a basket case. In fact without it I doubt that I could be sitting here and typing this. When I stop and think or hear someone talk about all that Christ has done for me...it makes me cry. I mean, I'm not worthy. To think of someone so perfect who sacrificed so much for me! Honestly up until now I have been scared to watch the movie "The Passion"....I know how it will affect me, but I think I need to face that fear and watch it.

Without my faith in place I face continual judgement. And not how you may think....not from others, (but yes from others to.) I judge myself and think the worst of myself. It's part of who I am. Not feeling like I can meet the standards I set for myself. Not feeling worthy of being loved. Not feeling like I even matter. Feeling that I could never do right, or fill the standard I set. Don't get me wrong, I still fall into this at times. Usually when my faith is tested or weakened. But ultimately it is during those periods of time it becomes stronger because I learn to trust in Him again.

It's the only way to make sense of so many things that take place and don't take place. It would be easy, so much easier to just blame the 'sins' of the world on anything but ourselves. We take an active role in so much that happens and that takes place around us. We make our beds so to speak. We have made our beds. For some that may seem a downer....for me its a reason to believe. I've seen my prayers answered. I've also seen my prayers go unanswered or in reality be answered in ways I didn't think about in the first place and even at times in ways I didn't want them to play out. There is a peace in my heart knowing I'm loved for who I am and what I am....no matter what I am. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I know for me the world wouldn't make sense if I didn't have my faith in a Father who loves me, a Son who died for me and the Holy Spirit working within me.

The Journey Begins

Today is the day....Ive been awake too long already this morning, the kids are excited to put things mildly.... and I do have a sense of peace this morning.

We begin our journey packed with movies, clothing, sleds, water bottles, snow clothing, jackets, chains, bottle of oil (to make dad happy) , more clothing, more and more STUFF ... maybe L was right and a checklist would have been a good idea because Im quite certain I will forget something.....maybe just mind mind ! :P

Conferences are this morning, science fair presentations this morning, and then a quick stop off at the house after and then we are off. We must stop off at TJ's on the way though...need chocolate chip cookies :)

Our destination today....Cedar City, and tomorrow we will hit Boise. Friday we head up to Courtde Laine and Saturday we hit the slopes ....sometime this week we get to go sledding...and I hope to make a snowman too :)

Im looking forward to time away....time to I hope clear my head, time for more reflection, and time to take more pictures. All good stuff....

a good friend told me it was OK to pray for miricales, I guess to some degree I haven't felt like I could do that in a long time, maybe because in the past I didn't feel it was answered, but actually now in reflection I think it was, just not the way I wanted it to be. So last night I allowed myself to start praying for miracles again.......:)

STRESSED!

OK so we came home from the Birthday party/Super Bowl party, great idea btw,(if you are a man and turning 40 what better way then to celebrate it at a Super Bowl party!) and turned the game on and got busy packing....finally, the car is mostly loaded at this point I think I have crammed just about every piece of clothing I have that will work well for temperatures in the lower single digit numbers. BRRR! anyway so the kids come home and get ready I start to get more stressed and well no I didn't yell, but ok I yelled a little at the girls for messing around, Sad part is ....Super Bowl ended, and the show that doctor/er show came on the one they kept advertising duing the game.....the scene comes on with the woman yelling and screaming.....Ashley comes out of her room thinking it was ME! sheez No way could I be that bad, but it did calm me down a little. Times right now what I would do to have a calming influence to talk to! I miss that more then I can say.

Ok enough of me pouting, off I go to pack more I may or may not post again if not well .... wish me luck. For tomorrow I head out 5 kids 1 woman.....off on a journey, an adventure....well hey it can't be all that scary I do have a dvd player, and every other possible electronic device I could figure out how to run going in the car to keep the kids busy :)

oh and let me add, kinda boring run of commericials this year....oh I miss the time of excitement in commercials like the Budd Frogs and Pepsi and Monster.com ah well